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More exciting than parents weekend?

By Herschel Hartz

Section: Opinions

November 4, 2005

This weekend was officially Parents Weekend. As such, Brandeis administration rushed to make sure that the school we all enjoy year-round looked nothing like it did when the parents are not here.

Aramark served filet mignon! Jehuda Reinharz came out of his top secret hole a-la Dick Cheney and actually showed up at a public function with students for his second time in two decades as University President! I had a date for the first time, in, well, forever!

Yup, the bizarre World of Brandeis came to full-force this past weekend. The University was actually somewhat normal! While most parents came off with the impression that we were all as happy and perky as our beloved Orientation Leaders, this weekend was a huge faade.

In reality, all of us are forced to engage in slave labor with General Secretary Reinharz as our personal savior and comrade. We all get up with a loud siren call at 4 am, go work on the farms, and proceed to go to our classes to learn about the beauty and majesty of Master Reinharz and his philosophy on life.

Of course, what made this weekend better, besides the fact that I did not have to milk the cows again, was the fact that my parents were not here. Listen, I love my parents, but having them come over to Brandeis is unbearable. I want to be drinking and hitting on freshman girls! But also, my mother loves to come up to Brandeis and dress me up in a cute pink shirt and bow-tie. As if the fact that she dressed me every day in high school was not bad enough!

But because my parents were not here, I got to see my entire best friends parents, which for me, explained a lot. One parent told me about their sons peeing problems and another parent told me about the time her son got arrested for public nudity. As such, I have decided to hire new friends, because my old ones, as I found out, were too weird, even for me. Wow! What a weekend! Aramark: Doing Something Right?

Wait! Did you hear what I just said? Aramark is doing something right? Thats right! From the people who are as unqualified with personal attention and sensitivity as Harriet Miers is in constitutional law, Aramark has undergone more changes than John Kerry during a Presidential campaign.

They have taken down their hideous reminders to eat healthy, they have fully stocked Sherman with corned beef, fresh-roasted roast beef, and a new delicious kosher expressway.

Mazal Tov to Jeff, Tim, Aaron, and the other guy! You are awesome! But then again, while we are at it, Aaron, seriously, could we do something about that mustache of yours?

Sitzman: I love you too.

I read Michael Sitzmans article two weeks ago on me, Herschel Hartz. He wrote about my usual stereotypes including my mother, Katie Holmes, Jehuda, and the freshman girls. It seems like someone is trying to take advantage of my hilarious act. Sounds like a poser to me!

But alas, I was beside myself: Why would anyone waste their time on poor precious me? And then, I realized, Michael LOVES me. Yes, while I read the article, during a hot party with the freshman girls in my suite, I was surprised to find that Michael is in love with me.

This actually might be the first that someone has had a crush on me since my girlfriend in third grade, Jenny, said that she loved me and wanted to marry me. We did get married, but that presumptuous tramp left me three days later to marry Sean, that jerk who sat next to me in class and talked all about math and smart stuff. With his cute little self up on the chalkboard, he wrote Jenny + Me = Us, while I wrote back on the board, Jealous Herschel + Pencil = Stab Sean in the Eye If He Gets Near My Woman.

Anyway Michael is a cute guy. He seems to like my articles and therefore like my personality. With Michael pursuing me faster than Brandeis girls chase after low-fat and low-carb cookie dough ice cream and the latest South Beach Diet fad, I might have been going after the wrong sex all along.

As such, maybe the freshman girls have not worked as well for me as I hoped. Maybe the freshman guys should be my next target. So while the freshman guys are the latest group of love birds flocking from their nests to avoid me, I am going to make a concerted effort to help them with their homework.

And then again, I dont want to say that I am batting for the other team. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Seriously, there isnt. I am just exploring my options.

Scenes from Herschels Childhood
Scene: Band Class, 50 students
Lauri Hartz, my mother, prances in, with her yellow spandex on.
Mother: Hoishal! I brought you your lunch!
(Turns away from class, walks away, and then turns back)
Mother: By the way, I forgot to tell you something this morning!
(Long awkward pause)
Mother: I love you!!!
Everyone points at me and laughs. The story of my life!

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