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APRIL FOOLS: Brandeis Police armed;

By Dan Hirschorn

Section: News

March 31, 2006

In a historic decision, Brandeis police were given permission to carry guns. After years of petitioning and debating with administration, the police are now allowed to defend themselves. In addition, to compensate for years in which police felt deficient without a piece, police have permission to carry shotguns instead of the lesser pistol.

After officers were repeatedly assaulted by drunken students following the Purim celebration, we felt it only fair to give our police what they were after, President Reinharz said. It is clear that students would refrain from spitting at our officers if they were properly armed.

University police certainly enjoy their new freedom. Officers have been seen strutting around with their prized possessions by their side. Officers will fire at will, thus cutting down on the number of people violating the kosher laws in Sherman dining hall.

I was simply going to put my green kosher plate down on the table since there was no room for all the trays, one student who has suffered the wrath of the new cops said. I hadnt even touched the plate to the table when I felt a sharp pain in my leg and saw I was bleeding where a bullet had penetrated my skin.

The general response on campus to the new police power has been positive. The guns seem to reassure students and give them a sense of safety, as if they do in fact live inside the Brandeis bubble. On Saturday nights, I know parties will not last long. As soon as there is noise I call the police;

they come and students scatter to avoid the flying bullets. Im so happy to have my Saturday nights back for studying, said one happy student.

One group unhappy with the recent decision is the JMOB, Jewish mothers of Brandeis. As soon as the decision was made to arm the police, the group of mothers convened an emergency session. Phones in the presidents office have not stopped ringing due to the concerned mothers who worry their children will be hurt.

We want every student to be fitted for bullet-proof vests and forced to wear them. Of course, they also must continue to wear their hats and gloves to keep warm in winter, the head mom, sometimes called the grandmom, commented recently.

It is unsure what will happen next. The JMOB has a very tight grip on the administration and it is certain that they will force some reform. Be on the look out for the newest fashion, bullet-proof vests for everyone!

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