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APRIL FOOLS: Statue for Chapels Field

By web

Section: News

March 31, 2006

Renovation has begun on Chapels field, where Brandeis has decided to build a statue on the field, in honor of the 2005-6 Womens Basketball team making the Division III NCAA tournament this year. In honor of their achievements, the administration plans to erect a gigantic, 300 foot tall statue of junior forward All-American Caitlin Malcolm, and place it in Chapels Field.

We were one win away from the sweet 16, but theres nothing to be ashamed about the thexy thirty-two, a lisp-ridden Athletic Director stated. What they accomplished was the greatest thing to happen ever in the history of the world, part one.

I have a good feeling that the top womens basketball players in the country will now look to Brandeis, said Athletic Director Jim Belushi. Many students are excited for the statue, including first-year Thomas Butternut, who exclaimed, Since the statue is that tall, Ill be able to look up her shorts!

However, two major groups are fighting the placement of the statue in Chapels field. Intramural softball enthusiasts, in the placement of the statue, see the loss of their home and their memories. This is the indent in the grass, where I slid into home, to beat the Asian Team, 4-3, said BeerBrothers Captain Mo Vaughnberg. Now, its going to be replaced by the giant thumb-toe of Caitlin Malcolm.

Additionally, many religious members of the Brandeis student body are concerned about such a statue housed so close to their places of worship. Do we remember the golden calf at all? I realize this is a silver woman, but its still the same concept: idolatry! said Hillel member Christine Clancy, who promptly threw down two tablets on the floor in a fit of anger.

Other ideas had circulated regarding what to do with Chapels field. Some, like electronic-mother (Imam) Yoseph Islam, believed a mosque would be a nice addition to the religious section of campus. Yeah, right, said Professor Gordie Fellman.
A second idea, voiced by students currently on housing wait-list, was the possibility of more dormitories. If students really considered what was in their rational self-interest, they would realize that a humongous statue of Caitlin Malcolm is a more crucial aspect to campus than a place to live, said Economics Professor Can Erbil.

Yet, those ideas were never real possibilities. Even three weeks after Brandeis loss to Bowdoin in the second round of the NCAAs, the fanfare is still going on. I cant even go to the Stein anymore without mobs of people interrupting my enjoyment of the Steinburger, asking for autographs, junior guard Alison Chase stated. Additionally, rumors are circulating that TIME might designate the team Women of the Year and superfan Alan has been contacted by the Chicago Bulls, who need to elicit his help to stir up passion for their team.

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