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Saved by the Bell: our college years

By Daniel Kahn

Section: Arts

October 6, 2006

Not since Elizbeth Berkley iced her nipples to pointy perfection in the campy classic Showgirls have “Saved by the Bell” alums created such a stir on the pop culture landscape. Now, not one, but two Bayside graduates are involved in separate, but in my opinion equally offensive, controversies.

“Dancing with the Stars,” now in its third season on ABC, is best known as a vehicle for fading celebrities like Joey Whoa! Lawrence and John J. Peterman OHurley to foxtrot their way to hopeful glory and the greatest prizea glittery disco ball trophy!ever to grace our television screens.

But behind the cheesy fun and sparkly costumes lies a most sinister deception, propagated by the most beloved Mario Lopez. The erstwhile Albert Clifford (A.C. to friends as well as casual SbtB viewers) Slater claimed after his first flawless dance that he had no previous dance experience or training. If you thought you heard something out your window Tuesday, September 12th at 8:26PM, it was probably the incredulous gasps of millions of outraged Americans, stunned to hear such a fallacy proclaimed on that box in their living rooms that only ever tells the truth.

See, in the classic “Saved by the Bell” episode, Breaking Up is Hard to Undo, Slater needed to win Jessica (Jessie) Myrtle Spano back after insensitively purchasing football tickets for the same night she wanted to go to the ballet. So, he did what any normal high school kid with Michael Jacksons pre- Pepsi-commercial- caught- on- fire-jheri-curls would do: strapped on his ballet slippers, pulled up his tights, threw on a unitard, and pirouetted his way right back into Jessies heart. So for Slater I mean Lopez, to claim no previous dance experience was a slap in the face to loyal “Bell” fans everywhere. How can Lopez redeem himself in the eyes of this commentator? Forgiveness can only come if, in the following weeks, Lopez re-introduces my all-time favorite dance move created by one Lisa Turtle, who in a completely separate episode centered around dancing, gave us all The Sprain.

On a more visually disturbing note, it has been recently revealed that Dustin Diamond, creator of the iconic Samuel Screech Powers, is planning on releasing a sex tape. Ill give you a moment to swallow whatever vomit might have involuntarily found its way in your mouth. It appears that Diamond is in need of some quick cash, but who exactly does he think the market for such a video would be? One Night in Paris this is not. If you are interested though, the video features Diamond and two women (presumably either blind, or Zack Morris leftovers) performing a Dirty Snchez (google away, curious readers!) as well as other sexual acts no one but Violet Anne Bickerstaff (occasional Screech love interest, played by guest star Tori Spelling) would ever imagine Screech doing.

While Screech and Slater might be involved in the most public activities at the moment, other “Bell” favorites are not without their own shocking surprises. A little free time and a high-speed internet connection has led me to the startling discovery that Mark-Paul Gosselaar is half-Asian! I know! The one-time Zack Morris has an Indonesian father and has even appeared at Asian festivals and parades.

If that didnt blow your mind so completely then try this: Tiffany Amber Thiessen has dropped the Amber! Ok, this might be less of a revelation but I couldnt find any juicy dirt on Ms. Kapowskinot even an explanation for the sudden roundness of her head when she started as a cast member on 90210 Kellys face was never so circular before her relocation to Beverly Hills.

To close, lets all send out a prayer for Lark Voorhies. First of all, her name is Lark. Second, she hasnt made a significant headline since leaving Bayside. Perhaps if Lopez fails to bring back The Sprain, Voorhies can do so herself on next seasons “Dancing with the Stars.” And if that doesnt work out, I know more than a few people who might be interested in a Screech/Lisa sex tape.

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