Bye bye beach

August 23, 2019

When you grow up in Florida, you learn a few things. First, if you’re being chased by an alligator, run in a zig-zag instead of a straight line. Second, any temperature under fifty degrees is FREEZING. Third, the beach is incredibly overrated.

The beach is hyped up to this fantastic place. It’s got beautiful waves, cheap food, sunshine, people looking sexy in swimsuits. All of that is a lie.

Sure, the waves are nice, but the water is either ice cold or lukewarm. To be honest, I’m not sure which is worse. The cold is at least refreshing on a warm day, while lukewarm water just makes you feel like you’re swimming around in pee. Which you kinda are. The whole ocean is the bathroom for fish. Of course, that’s if you’re even bold enough to get in the water. Half the time, it’s all covered in seaweed or has some sort of bacteria or full of dead fish.

The cheap food is only there if you know where to look. Sure, you can get an ice cream cone for a dollar at one place, the other will charge you five bucks for a single scoop. Forget about getting a real meal on the boardwalk. Everything is outdoors, with no fans, so you just sit there sweating. And then what, you’re gonna eat hot food? People do it, but it’s honestly a miserable experience. Taking sips of water every thirty seconds to try to cool down, sticking to the chair because of sweat, gripping utensils extra hard because hands are so sweaty, scooting every couple of minutes to stay in the shade and avoid the sun.

The sunshine is definitely nice at first. It brings warmth and a potential tan. After five minutes though, that warmth turns to excruciating heat. A cloud can offer temporary relief, but soon enough it floats away. Sunburns are the actual worst. They take forever to fade, they hurt so much and they look so bad. They look especially bad if sunscreen isn’t rubbed in all the way, leaving weird spots of red that look like an abstract painting gone wrong. The sea breeze might help a little with the heat, but that just blows sand all over.

Sand is the worst part of the beach, hands down. No matter how hard you try to avoid it, you will end up covered in sand. Sand is a menace, refusing to come off after it latches itself to something. Legs, hair, elbows, in between toes. Brushing it away barely helps, resulting in lots of beach goers that look more like sand castles.

People look most unattractive at the beach. Sure, they might look great in a swimsuit, but that won’t last long. One jump in the ocean, and hair is a straggly mess from the salty water. The heat brings a natural flush to everyone and intensifies that with a sunburn. Bye, bye, tan skin, hello lobster people! Since it’s so hot outside, everyone starts to sweat, and there is literally nothing attractive about sweat. 

The one thing the beach has going for it is the beauty. The waves crashing along the shore are pretty, and the smell of saltwater is oddly soothing. The first twenty minutes are actually relaxing, just lying on a towel without a care in the world. It really does make for a great Instagram moment.

But honestly, just go to the pool instead. The perks of the beach wear off too fast for it to be worth it. The pool still has swimsuits and water and tanning opportunities but with easy access to the indoors and no sand. The photo op might not be as good, but it’s definitely not bad either. Same idea, just a different body of water. 

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