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APRIL FOOLS: Jon Stewart selected for commencement

By Mark Schlangel

Section: News

March 31, 2006

The Board of Trustees has just announced that famed Daily Show host Jon Stewart will speak at this years Commencement ceremony.

Students just kept coming and coming, said Jules Schwartz, a member of the Board of Trustees. They kept saying they wanted Jon Stewart. So we did a little bit of checking.

According to the Trustees announcement, they felt that Jon Stewart fully embodied the liberal beliefs that Justice Louis D. Brandeis stood for, adding that it is through good humor and wit that Stewart strives to find truth, even unto its innermost parts.

I am totally excited, said Talia Spinoza 06. Who would have thought the Trustees would ever listen to us?

This announcement comes as a shock, after months of student lobbying to get the famed comedian on campusthe most notable debacle being an incident ending with Jehuda Reinharz accidentally e-mailing a student, inquiring about their financial needs.

Everybody makes mistakes, said Reinharz at the time. Even meand I run this place.

Apparently, one studentSchmuel Sheenowitz 06uncovered a secret connection between Stewart and the school. According to the Stewart family tree, the wife of Jon Stewarts cousin was granddaughter of Supreme Court Justice Louis D. Brandeis himself.

I love this guy! said Sheenowitz. I mean, I have all his books, his moviesIm even writing my thesis on him!

Im touched that someone would find this connection, said Stewart. I didnt even know about thismaybe if I did, I wouldnt have made so many jokes about this place. He made jokes about the agreement in his exclusive one-on-one interview with The Hoot. I plan on accosting Ollie the Owl, Stewart laughed. Stick that hammer where the sun dont shine.

Jehuda Reinharz had little to say about the commencement speaker: I dont know who this guy isis he on scholarship? Meanwhile, there have been many mixed responses from the campus. The Brandeis Republicans, bitter that Jon Stewart will speak and Ann Coulter will not, have threatened to shove a homophobe packed with C4 explosives to the front of the auditorium;

meanwhile, Gordie Fellman (SOC) has stated that he will protect the speaker using a human shield of Peace and Coexistence Studies (PAX) students.

This is all one big conspiracy, said Professor Jerry Cohen (AMST). Although in the case of JFK, there was no second shooter. Cohen then proceeded to hide his sniper rifle behind some bushes as escaped to the trees.

There have been no comments from the Brandeis Estate, although there are some witnesses who have claimed that the family is trying to patent an internal combustion engine from the deceased Supreme Court Justices rapidly spinning corpse.

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