On Monday, Nov. 8 the student body received what I would consider to be one of the least and most important emails we may ever get—a housing survey. My eyes watered at the thought of being able to rip Brandeis a brand new one as I would tear the survey apart and criticize every part of my residential experience. Much to my dismay, I was shocked to see that the survey was really about future housing on campus that would impact soon-to-be-Brandeisians who are still in elementary school. Who knew Brandeis had foresight and was using it? Not me.

But as I was taking the survey something just did not line up in my head. The hypothetical apartments seemed too nice for anything Brandeis could reasonably accomplish. So, I have taken it upon myself to adjust the survey accordingly to something more… let’s just say, truthful.

1.     Not that we care since you pay us no matter what, but pick the phrase that best describes your class year:
2.     Wait, you guys had to wear masks outside on campus? That’s crazy, I don’t even wear mine inside.
3.     Not only have I had a single throughout my entire college career, I am also single and do not know how to socialize!
4.     Please if there is a God make the pandemic worse so I can keep waking up for zoom class and then going back to bed with the camera off.
5.     How has the student body become more attractive? What happened to good old Brandeis?
6.     Where are you living? (Don’t worry, we aren’t going to find you and hunt you down.)
7.     Off campus, because I have a brain and it is cheaper and better than the dungeons we call on-campus housing.
8. But is it a house though?
9. Maybe a sexy little apartment?

                                              iii. Does it get mice?

1.     On campus, where I inhale the fresh mold—I mean air, the fresh air!
2.     At home like a dweeb who’s fiscally responsible (Geez, imagine caring about your family)
3.     Now if you live on campus, how would you describe your living experience?
4.     Moldy
5.     Really moldy
6.     Extremely moldy
7.     Super moldy
8.     I keep hearing my neighbors having sex but at least there is no mold!
9.     How interested would you be in living in new Brandeis-built apartments that we will flaunt on tours, but that only like three people will actually get to live in?
10.     Yes, anything is better than East.
11.     Yes, there is no other option we are doing this no matter what #IllusionOfDemocracy.
12.     Now what kind of apartment best suits your needs? (Adjusted for the Brandeis budget and by the campus’s construction history)
13.     This first option we think is a real step up because it will give students fresh water, tons of natural light and a very square space to live in. This option is a moving box we stole from the Storage Squad boys and put in the middle of Fellows Garden. But wait there’s more! We made sure to put it right in front of a sprinkler so that right at 7 a.m., you won’t even need an alarm. Just wake up to the rush of 100 gallons of water slowly pushing your box, I mean dorm, and making it all nice and soggy.
14.     The second option. Now this one we are really excited for as it will change the skyline of campus and be sustainable due to material reuse! This option is to live in the rubble of East as it falls apart. I mean, so many students in every class live in East, and why would we want to take that experience away from incoming students? Enjoy the memory-rock beds you’ll be able to find in the rubble, but we heavily advise bringing a tent to campus for this housing option because you may want some cover to conceal yourself from the judgmental people who live in Skyline.
15.     Our third and final option is really impressive for us here at Brandeis since this one is really for the students. We are going to build two-bedroom apartments on campus with a common room, bathroom and kitchen. The truly progressive idea around this option comes with updates to the appliances and features of this housing option. Did you hate the transition week here where AC went off and heat went on? Well for your convenience we added windows which open and an eternally burning fire in the middle of the common room. Need to get warm? Get closer to the fire. Need to get colder? Move further away from it. You do have feet which freaking move after all. Worried about the fire alarms going off due to this fire? No worries! We made sure to not put batteries in the alarms so that they won’t go off as the flames warm you up. Want to take a warm shower? Our newest knobs only have boiling hot and hypothermia for temperatures. Why compromise for warm showers when you can experience either end of the spectrum. Then, we know what really makes a Brandeis dorm home—mold. We will personally put tons of mold in the bathroom and ceiling so that right when you walk in, look around and take in a big deep breath you think “Yup, this is Brandeis alright.”
16.     We will not even ask how you rank these options because we know you love all of them so much and that it would be like deciding between your children.
17.     And finally, where would you want this option to be?
18.     On campus (ha we put this here as a joke, loser! Good luck, we don’t have the space for it on campus)
19.     Off campus (but like near Grad, but really on the other side of the Charles, but you can only swim to the other side because we cannot afford a bridge)
20.     Out of state, but like not even Rhode Island or New England. It is actually in Kentucky (You will still need to fill out the Daily Health Assessment and BranVan timing will not be consistent).
21.     Out of the country, Kazakhstan to be exact. Everyone loves Borat, why not become him?