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To acquire wisdom, one must observe

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Rules for the club

To my travel enthusiasts I regret to inform you that the pause in travel stories has continued one more week. I promise that next week I will inform you as to how my weekend in London went but as for right now there is something more pressing on my mind—etiquette in a club or bar.

In Europe there really is no fraternity or sorority that exists around colleges to cram you into an unfinished basement for drinks and dancing on a Friday night. Rather, people here go to whatever club is closest to them to enjoy themselves. In my opinion the club is so much nicer because I would rather pay for drinks and know what I’m getting than have a stoned brother pour mostly coke into a cup for me. But that is besides the point, the real issue I want to address here are those people in the club that just ruin it for literally everyone else around them.

Beginning with the people who I will name the “working Chads”. The “working Chad” is that dude in the club who got there straight from work. He did not hesitate in his journey from work to the club and is still fully dressed for his job. He is wearing a sweater, button down shirt underneath, khakis and has loafers on. This guy ruins all the vibes when you are next to him for a few reasons: one, the man just looks stiff and out of place. It’s like finding an onion ring in your French fries. You were not expecting it in there, you don’t really know if you want it and honestly the whole thing would be easier if it wasn’t there. Two, he’s got no energy. My man just came off of a shift at work and has no energy to party. So, he stands there like the sad statue he is and still has the audacity to lean into you when you are just trying to dance. I give “working Chads” four bicycles out of 17 bicycles and recommend he goes home and takes a nap before ruining the vibes for everyone around him.

Secondly, to the people who just stand in front of the DJ, I will name them the “frozen bros”. These guys are easily spotted because they generally wear all black and think it’s “slick” looking and some take it a notch up and wear glasses inside the very already dark club. But the best way to identify them is that they are definitely the kind of person to watch professional sports and say something along the lines of, “I can’t believe he fumbled that catch! I would totally have made that catch if my ankle didn’t need surgery when I was 13 on my AAU team. I could have gone pro, well actually I was going to go pro, but you know, my whole ankle thing.” These bros fight their way to the front by throwing shoulders and then just freaking stand there! You cannot assume the best spot in the club and not fully enjoy it, that should be grounds for prison time honestly. I would even accept a head nod out of these people as “dancing” and not be so upset, but these morons stand there like statues. The “frozen bros” get negative two Clorox wipes out of 27 Clorox wipes and I recommend that they go to more museums. Then standing still in front of the focal point of each room won’t seem odd, but the sunglasses inside still will.

Finally, for those party jumpers out there, this one’s for you. Now I do not mean party jumpers as in those people who go from party to party, you guys are fine. I am talking about the people who think dancing is just jumping up and down as high as you can go. I will name this group of people the “jumping beans.” I want to admit that there is absolutely no problem in certain levels of jumps when dancing. You jump to the beat and maybe only get an inch or two of air, it really should be no more than a calf raise. However, if you are jumping so high that you hit the elbow of my raised arm, now we have a problem. You cannot get mad at me for “elbowing you in the head”, no no no buddy, you headbutted my elbow! I do not know what planet you are from but you’re going to apologize to me. I give the “jumping beans” a solid four apples out of 13 apples because it’s just a misunderstanding but you still are not in the right here. I recommend getting a trampoline for home if you want to jump that high.

So, from “working Chads”, to “frozen bros”, to “jumping beans” just know you are making enjoying the club harder than it has to be. If you know someone who is this way or see someone who is like this, give them the phone number of the BCC and the link to this article. Neither will help but maybe, just maybe, they can somehow gaslight these people a little bit.

 

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