To acquire wisdom, one must observe

Ranking muffins on campus

I’m not typically a food reviewer, that job title has been reserved for Sasha Skarboviychuk (GRAD) and John Fornagiel ’22 and I am just a humble novice in comparison. Honestly, I don’t have many opinions, my job is typically to not have those so when asked to write an op I thought of the one thing I do have opinions on—muffins. So here is a very serious and legitimate ranking of muffins on campus. 

Dunkin: 7/10 

I had my first Dunkin muffin while in quarantine. I do not have the Bite app and was not getting food so I was living solely off of Activia yogurt and Thomas’ plain bagels. So when my friend offered to order me a muffin and leave it outside my door you bet I took her up on that offer. 

I think the muffin got a higher rating mainly because I hadn’t had variation in my food for four days at that point, so instantly it was a hit. I also added points for putting the sugar crystals on top because that stuff just hits different. It was a good amount of moisture— I’m not really sure if this is a metric for rating muffins but I feel like it’s something they would say on “The Great British Baking Show” so I’m running with it. 

It was a bit sweet though, which I guess is the point of a muffin, but maybe just a bit too sweet. Also, for reference, I got a chocolate chip muffin because fruit does not belong in dessert and I stand by that. 

C-Store 10098720/10

I FREAKING LOVE THE C-STORE MUFFINS AND YOU CAN NOT GET ME TO CHANGE MY MIND. I swear to god I have no idea what they put in those things but they’re amazing. First off, they’ve got options. You can get a chocolate chip muffin, you can get a plain muffin, heck you can even get a blueberry muffin even if it is against my beliefs. The sky’s the limit in the C-store. 

I am a fan of the chocolate chip muffin, though it is a bit sweet. But my favorite has got to be the plain muffins. They’re not too sweet but also not so bland as to not taste like anything whatsoever. They’re also large and in charge so you do feel full by the time you finish the muffin, or alternatively you can save some for later as an extra snack. I’ve done both and you can’t go wrong with either. Though the top does not have any of the fun sugar sprinkles on top, I think it’s better without it so as to not be overwhelming with the sugariness—I am making that a word now. 

The muffin top is perfect and very moist, though the bottom is a bit dry—I have no idea what I’m saying here. I literally can’t judge food unless it’s on the scale of can I or can’t I eat it. Listen, I’ve never puked after eating one of these muffins so that’s why they’re great—end of review. 

Einsteins 4/10

The Einsteins muffins are alright, though they don’t have a large selection to choose from. You can only get a blueberry muffin, and for those of you who actually were paying attention earlier, you would know that I live by the creed that fruit does not belong in dessert. 

That being said, it’s a good muffin for a blueberry muffin, mainly because there aren’t that many blueberries in it so it’s basically excusable. It also has the little crumble thing on top which is a nice touch and distracts you from the monstrosity that is fruit in dessert. I’m entirely too biased here to be rating this muffin so please don’t take anything I say here seriously. 

If you’re a fan of blueberry muffins this may be the muffin for you, but as for me keep the fruit separate. Though I do like Einstein’s cherry pastry thing, and before you even say cherries are a fruit I’ll beat you to it—I know I’m not perfect but this is my op so back off. 

Sherm 9/10 

OKAY LET’S TALK ABOUT THESE MUFFINS. I’m not talking about the ones they put out with breakfast at the dessert area, those are trash. They don’t even deserve to be on this op, make your own waffle before getting one of those at breakfast. There is no way to do breakfast wrong unless you are getting one of those muffins. Like why? 

No, no I’m talking about the ones at the allergen station that are individually wrapped. Specifically the Banana Chocolate Chip ones—once again this is an exception to my fruit rule because bananas are superior. 

These muffins are hard to find, which is the only reason why I deducted a point but when they are there man on man am I happy. They used to also sell them in the c-store in like fours but I haven’t seen them in a while. 

First of all, banana-chocolate chip is the best combination. Period. Banana chocolate chip bread—amazing. Frozen bananas covered in chocolate—amazing. Banana chocolate chip muffins—amazing.

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