The first article I ever wrote for The Hoot was a review of the latest “Indiana Jones” movie, “Indiana Jones and the Dial Of Destiny.” To summarize: it was not a good movie. But since then, I have always wanted to revisit the intrepid archaeologist. Now feels as good a time as ever to do so. While some aspects of Indy’s adventures (stealing ancient artifacts, grooming a minor) certainly haven’t aged well, others are more relevant than ever (punching Nazis in their fat fucking faces). So how well do the movies hold up today? Today, I’ll be analyzing aspects of every movie to find out. Let’s start from the very beginning, in the distant year of 1981. 

“Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark” (1981)

Heroes: 

This was the movie that introduced Indiana Jones to the world, so the archeologist seems like a blank slate of sorts. Harrison Ford portrays a typical, wisecracking American action movie hero. His one unique character trait is his all-consuming passion for archaeology, which sometimes gets the better of him. The female lead, Marion Ravenwood, seems like she could have been an interesting foil, with her impulsivity clashing with Indy’s more stoic demeanor. Unfortunately, the movie treats her as just another damsel in distress. What’s more, the movie spells out for us that Indy dated Marion when she was still a child. If you think about it, he basically groomed her! Yikes! And then at the end of the film they get back together like nothing happens. Well, the ’80s were a different time after all. Moving on. The final protagonist is Sallah. What a charming individual. I have yet to see anyone say anything mean about Sallah. He is a kind, generous family man and, unlike Indiana Jones, he would NEVER groom a minor. Oh yeah, there’s also a boat captain in this movie too, but everyone forgets about him.

Villains:

The movie wastes very little time pitting Indy against the forces of the Third Reich, and against a trio of villains, two of which are very well written. Firstly, we have Rene Belloq, the arrogant Frenchman. His sneering demeanor is expertly written to make audiences hate him, especially the scene where he gives a winding, pretentious rant to Indy and declares “I am but a shadowy reflection of yourself, Dr. Jones!” when, at the same time, he has no clue what he’s talking about. Next we have Colonel Dietrich, a fanatically racist Nazi. In other words, the least important of the three. And lastly, we have Arnold Toht, a greasy, disgusting little man, and the creepiest of all of them. Which is why it’s so satisfying to see him turned into the film’s comic relief. Highlight: when he grabs onto the red-hot medallion, only to scream in pain and hurl himself out the window. 

Locations:

The opening temple sequence, with its series of traps, is considered part of Hollywood history. Who can forget the iconic rolling ball? As if that wasn’t enough, the movie then introduces us to two places that are just as iconic—the Map Room and the Well of Souls. Both are small spaces, as if Lucasfilm was slowly exploring the bounds of where this franchise could go, but both are dazzlingly creative. Watching the rays of light stream into the Map Room and illuminate the entire space was an impressive technical feat for its time, and Indy and Marion fighting snakes in the Well of Souls is just as iconic. The final scenes of the movie introduce a Nazi submarine base and an abandoned canyon, which, although not much in themselves, provide an evocative backdrop for the events that happen there.

Action scenes:

Of course, we have to start with the aforementioned temple escape scene—the one that everyone knows about. That entire sequence perfectly sets the exotic, swashbuckling tone for the movie and the entire franchise—introducing us to Indy’s character and the dangers he has to face on a regular basis. Later on, we have the fight/chase sequence in the winding streets of Cairo, which feels more chaotic and haphazard, but masterfully blends comic gags with action. Props to the one scene where a guy challenges Indy with a huge sword, only for Indy to just pull out his gun and shoot him with an expression that says, “I’m tired of this shit!” The last major action sequence begins with Indy and Marion escaping the Well of Souls before fighting a huge guy who dies in a gruesome fashion (this is a running gag throughout all five movies; in four of them, the huge guy is even played by the same actor!) and then getting into a car chase with the Nazis. The car chase in particular is expertly plotted, with Indy and the Nazis jumping in and out of cars and swerving across the desert roads. And who can forget the iconic Wilhelm Scream as the Nazi’s car plunges over the sheer cliff? All three of these scenes are as entertaining to watch as they were in the ’80s. 

MacGuffin:

The Ark of the Covenant. Oh boy! I just realized that when Indy shouts “Close your eyes!”, he’s also warning any kids in the audience to close their eyes, too. Clever fourth wall break. The effects in this scene are spot-on, though I must say it is kinda sad that they had to censor Belloq’s head exploding because the PG-13 rating wasn’t a thing yet. Oh well, at least we can watch Dietrich and Tocht melting in gruesome detail! Even though all three of them are clearly just wax models, the effects still hold up astonishingly well. 

Moments that didn’t age well:

Other than the Indy grooming Marion thing (ew), I have heard people complain that Sallah, an Egyptian, is portrayed by John Rhys-Davies, a Welshman. To get around that, I have a ridiculous headcanon that Sallah has a British parent (since the British were ruling Egypt at that time), but has lived in Egypt his whole life. Source? I made it up. Just now. 

“Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” (1984)

Heroes: 

Indiana Jones goes through some pretty interesting transformations in this one. Not just becoming hypnotized and evil (though that does give Harrison Ford the perfect excuse to show off the huge abs he had in the ’80s). He actually undergoes a bit of a moral arc! Instead of just looting artifacts to put in a museum back in the States, by the end of the movie he decides to leave the MacGuffin with the native people, where it belongs. Now onto the secondary protagonists. I do not hate Willie. Yes, she’s loud, whiny and annoying—making her the perfect foil to Indy, who always has to goad her into taking action. It’s nice to see these two learn to put up with each other, forming a more emotional arc than there was between Indy and Marion in “Raiders.” And last, but certainly not least, is Short Round. Not only is 12-year-old Ke Huy Quan freakin’ adorable, but Short Round and Indy have such a perfect dynamic. They tease and bicker with each other, but Indy has a strong paternal instinct towards Shorty, whereas Shorty acts as Indy’s conscience, the brains to his brawn. It’s a perfect heartwarming relationship. But sadly, Short Round is never seen again in every subsequent Indiana Jones movie. And this infuriates me to no end. “Crystal Skull” and “Dial of Destiny” would have vastly benefited from Shorty’s presence, as both of these movies are about Indy being a father figure of sorts. But no, he’s never even brought up, leaving his place to be filled by vastly inferior characters. 

Villains:

First of all, the Thuggees were not a real thing. They were largely a product of British colonial propaganda. Which means that George Lucas is clearly just pulling things out of his ass. This leads to the Thuggees being so comically evil that it makes them unintentionally hilarious. Case in point: the sacrifice scene where the guy gets his heart ripped out of his body, before being strapped to a spinning metal rack and then lowered into a lava pit which conveniently happens to be there. It’s just so stupid! The head Thuggee in particular, Mola Ram, is the only one of them to be notable at all. His actor probably had better things to do than act out what amounts to a Saturday morning cartoon villain. Throughout the film, Mola Ram is clearly taking none of this seriously; and comes off as silly and hammy, rather than intimidating. Unless you’re below the age of eight.

Locations:

The Shanghai nightclub has some nice set design; but most of the movie takes place in the vast Pankot Palace. Outside of one fight scene, nothing too exciting happens inside the lavish interiors of the palace, which I think is a waste. But the dungeons under the palace are more interesting—the room full of horrifying bugs, and later, the death-trap room with the falling ceiling that forces Willie to confront her worst fears in order to save Indy. And then there’s the Thuggee lair—with a huge sacrifice room that’s straight out of a fever dream, plus a seemingly endless labyrinth of tunnels and mineshafts, but we’ll get to those in a bit. …

Action scenes:

The Shanghai nightclub fight scene is one of the best in the franchise. There are so many silly gags—a guy getting impaled on a skewer of roast duck, Indy getting thrown onto a dish cart and wheeled into a band which is still playing music, balloons falling from the ceiling for no reason—but all the while there’s a real aspect of tension, as Indy desperately needs to find the antidote to save his life. The plane-jumping sequence, however, is clearly just green-screened the whole way through. The fight scenes are well choreographed, and great fun—especially Indy fighting the assassin in his room, or Indy and Shorty tag-teaming the Thuggee guard and the Maharajah—but these pale in comparison to the minecart chase scene. Oh my God, the minecart chase scene. It does tend to drag on a bit, foreshadowing “Last Crusade,” but that doesn’t take away much. With Indy and the gang having to face everything from impossible jumps over lava, to cultists shooting at them from a parallel track, to a huge flood of water—the action is non-stop, but you’re kept glued to the screen. Unlike a car chase, being on a minecart intrinsically limits your movement—if the rails are out, you’re toast—making for even more danger and even more thrills for the audience. Why hasn’t Disney World made a roller coaster based on the mine chase yet? They have Expedition Everest, which is close enough in concept, but a “Temple of Doom” coaster would surely make millions.  

MacGuffin:

I’m sorry, but the Sankara stones are lame MacGuffins. I’m sorry, the worst you can do is get really hot and burn Mola Ram’s hand? After the melting Nazis in the last movie, it’s sort of a step down. I guess Lucasfilm thought that Mola Ram tearing someone’s heart out from his chest was enough gore for one movie. Understandable, honestly. At least Mola Ram’s death by crocodiles counts as gruesome enough. Anyway, I guess the Sankara stones are more tools of peace then they are for war, as their primary supernatural effect is protecting the land around the village. In that case, it’s nice that Indy decides to leave them where they should be, for once. 

Moments that didn’t age well:

Oh boy, where do I even start? By a LONG shot, this one is the most racist out of all of the Indiana Jones movies. Let’s start with the Chinese scenes. Now, as a Chinese person, I did not find them to be particularly bad. I am fine with Short Round, and Harrison Ford, for his part, speaks decent Shanghainese. WIllie, on the other hand, has what is possibly the WORST attempt at speaking Chinese anyone has ever seen. It gets to the point where you start wondering if she’s just saying gibberish. But also that makes no sense, since Harrison Ford and Ke Huy Quan were given perfectly good, legible, Chinese lines, so the filmmakers had to have done their research, right? What is going on???????

Worse still is the whole plot about the Thuggees. The Thuggees, contrary to what this film will tell you, were basically highway robbers. They did not rip people’s hearts out like the Mayans, nor did they mind-control their enemies with magic potions, nor did they use Voodoo dolls. A lot of popular culture around the Thugges was just British propaganda. Funnily enough, that point gets brought up in the movie! Indy gets told to his face by a guy that the Thuggees are just an invention of the evil, colonizing British—and later on that same guy turns out to be one of the heart-ripping Thuggees. So not only is this movie enforcing colonial narratives; it’s also actively fighting back against those who would challenge them. Yeah. Furthermore, Kali is NOT a goddess of evil, so you can just imagine how problematic all of the evil idols are. 

And then there’s the dinner scene. It is, to put it lightly, really offensive. Even for the ’80s. Back then, there were apparently protests about the film’s portrayal of Indian food as snakes filled with leeches, eyeballs floating in soup and monkey brains. The thing is, there’s an easy way the movie could have skirted around this racist message. The movie already establishes that the Thuggees are deeply deranged people, so the movie could have told us that their strange food choices come from their practices, not their ethnicity. Maybe Indy or Willie could have said “Hey, something’s off here! This isn’t real Indian food, there’s something seriously wrong with the people in this palace!” or something along those lines. While this certainly can’t totally fix the scene, it might just be able to save some face. Overall, it’s just such a shame that these controversies turn people away from this film—which, for all of its weirdness and glaring flaws, is a thrilling ride from start to finish.

“Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” (1989)

Heroes: 

God rest Sean Connery. His performance as Henry Jones—father of Indy—provides the greatest companion character in the whole series, only contested by Short Round. He’s everything Indy is not. Whereas Indy is brash, brave and impulsive, his father is stern and ponderous, with his head perpetually in the clouds, making for some hilarious moments as Indy tries to bail out Henry from constant peril. And as if that personality clash wasn’t enough, the opening scene establishes Henry as a refrigerator dad, and you can clearly see how that really messed Indy up emotionally. The movie, then, is not just the quest for a magic item—it’s a family story. Indy slowly discovers that his father isn’t nearly as useless or foolish as he seems, while Henry learns how to respect his son. As for the side characters, Salah and Marcus Brody provide lots of hilarity—they’ve almost got an Indy-Henry dynamic of their own. And then there’s Kazin, the guardian of the Grail. I have a lot of thoughts about Kazim. I think he should have joined up with the party after Indy beat him up, as having an enemy-turned-friend dynamic would be interesting for the series to explore. Sadly, Indy forgets all about Kazim, and the next time he appears, he immediately dies. Oh well.

Villains:

This movie was the first in the series to experiment with the trope of “twist villains.” Though I don’t think that many viewers are going to be surprised to learn that sleazy businessman Walter Donovan is actually a Nazi. Neither Donovan, nor the Nazi commander Vogel, get much in the way of character development. But the film’s most interesting villain would have to be Dr. Schnider, whose reveal might actually shock some of the audience. Because, throughout the first two films, we’ve been conditioned to assume that once Indy lays eyes on a woman, she instantly turns into a love interest. It’s a classic trope of old movies that, of course, doesn’t stand up today. Well, this is the first time that Indy’s womanizing backfires on him, leading both him and his father into a trap. But Schnider isn’t just a femme fatale, either—she is perhaps the most morally ambiguous of the Indiana Jones villains. In a rouge’s gallery full of fanatics, her hesitancy and ambiguity stand out, making her into an almost tragic character by the end. But whatever the reasons, she is helping Nazis, so the audience doesn’t feel too bad for her. Lastly, this film features possibly the most evil person ever to appear in Indiana Jones: Adolf Hitler himself. Who is immediately reduced to a silly gag as he accidently autographs Indy’s journal. Makes sense, considering how the series thinks about Nazism as a whole. 

Locations:

While the giant X in the middle of the library is funny, the Venice catacombs are kinda lackluster. The same can’t be said for the Nazi castle, with its fireplace revolving into a secret room full of Nazis, as well as a hidden staircase. The fact that the entire place is on fire only makes it more fun. However, by far the greatest location in the entire movie is the Grail temple. I would even go so far as to say that it’s on the same level as the rolling-ball temple in “Raiders.” It’s that iconic. The temple’s dramatic facade is actually a real-life location—the ruins of Petra—an inspired directorial choice that adds to the atmosphere. Inside the temple are the three traps that Indy must navigate, each one creatively thought out; especially the final one, created with the best special effects around before CGI. And lastly, there’s the Grail room itself, filled head to toe with a dazzling variety of treasures, only one of which is the real Grail. …

Action scenes:

This movie has some of the longest, most intense action sequences in the whole movie. Unfortunately, some of these scenes tend to drag on a bit—especially the blimp-to-airplane-to-car chase in the middle of the film; we didn’t really need to see all of that. But when these action scenes work, the results are amazing. The film’s opening sequence, for example, easily outdoes its counterpart in “Raiders.” Not only does it tell us about Indy’s childhood, but its location aboard a moving circus train offers the filmmakers a nearly endless parade of set pieces for Indy and his pursuers to play around with. The result is not only hilarious, but also genuinely pulse-pounding at the same time. Same with Indy and Henry’s escape from the burning castle—starting with their antics trying to free themselves from the chairs they’re tied to, and ending with a motorcycle jousting match, which is just as awesome as it sounds! And lastly, if you’re in the mood for more Nazi-punching action, then the tank battle is the place for you! It’s a little long, but the moving tank provides the perfect environment for the filmmakers to drag Indy over, under and around like he’s some sort of ragdoll, while beating up lots of mooks as he goes. 

MacGuffin:

“You chose … poorly”. An iconic line, spoken by the Grail Knight—one of the most mysterious characters in this entire franchise. The concept of the Grail as not just an object to be taken, but a test to be passed, is new ground for the series. Donovan fails the test, of course, and his gruesome demise easily outdoes anything the series has ever done before—or since. And the test doesn’t end once they find the real thing, either, as Schnider discovers when she tries to remove it from the temple! Indy, known for his endless thirst for artifacts, is forced to voluntarily give up a priceless treasure, for the first time in his career. And he gets his reward, too—the recognition from his father that he always wanted. What can I say, this film is beautiful.

Moments that didn’t age well:

Probably the least offensive film in the series. But there is a lot of surprisingly dark humor—the aforementioned Hitler joke, as well as Indy realizing that he and his dad slept with the same woman. “She talks in her sleep!” is still a line that I quote constantly. But, as with all dark humor, not everyone is going to get the joke.

To be continued…