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We are both dreading and anticipating ‘Riverdale’ season six

“Riverdale” has been a questionable show at best since season two. As you can imagine, by season five, “Riverdale” is beyond insane. Somehow, we’ve gone from a small town murder to war, an endless slew of serial killers and, of course, constantly shifting relationship dynamics. 

 

Any semblance of a plot was replaced by singing in basically every episode. This season had two musical episodes, each as bad as the ones from earlier seasons. The musical episodes weren’t amazing to start with, but now that they sing at every opportunity you can’t help but press the fast forward button. The subpar singing didn’t stop them from trying to cover Celine Dion, which was just a sin in itself. I get it: since the show no longer has a plot they need to fill in time with something. 

 

Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch) now runs a church, where she sings with Kevin (Casey Cott). What? And then they let her foster a high school kid. What? That’s like giving a cat a mouse. Cheryl remains an odd character; she’s a mean girl, but it’s almost like the writers insert her into things just to have her there. She was at her best when she was in a slightly toxic relationship with Toni Topaz (Vanessa Morgan). Now that the two are broken up they don’t know how to act around each other, a result of the writers clearly not knowing how to handle their best ship falling apart. 

 

Veronica Lodge (Camila Mendes) and Archie Andrews (KJ Apa) got back together—but only after she got a divorce, since Archie suddenly is super moral—and then broke up again because their futures are just too different. So much for “we’re endgame.” Veronica is now exploring bigger and brighter futures with Reggie (Charles Melton), which we’re excited about. She’s so much less annoying when she’s away from her “Archiekins.” 

 

You’ll never guess who Archie went to as soon as he broke up with Veronica. Yup, the girl next door. We’re having season one deja vu. A Barchie plot out of nowhere? Betty Cooper (Lili Reinhart) and Archie start the season as friends with benefits, go back to just friends while he dates Veronica and then suddenly start something intense in the final minutes of the season. Literally none of this makes sense. Neither of us love the two together, but we absolutely hate Veronica and Archie together, so this is a win. Let’s pray for less unnecessary and awkward sex scenes in season six. 

 

Archie’s never-ending identity crisis has led to him reopening his father’s construction business: a noble act if he hadn’t changed career paths like 50 times already. In this season alone, he has been a firefighter, a miner, a teacher and a football coach (because the show always needs “the epic highs and lows of high school football”)—all while trying to rebuild Riverdale. 

 

We have no idea what to even expect for season six. One can hope for less singing, but that’s obviously unlikely. Betty really needs a personality outside of obsessing with murders, it’s really getting old. She was so interesting in the early days, and now she’s a bunch of walking tropes tied together with a half-ponytail. Veronica needs to get over her daddy (and Archie) issues and become the badass woman she has the potential to be. Jughead (Cole Sprouse) needs better plotlines; he’s such a great character but that’s ruined by the fact that he’s a hot mess. We hope he says goodbye to his drugs and considerations of plagiarism in season six. Season one Jughead would never be this stupid. 

 

Because, above all things, Riverdale is about lust, we expect the couples to develop heavily in season six. We hope Cheryl finds a new girlfriend, someone who can match her level of derangement. Kiernan Shipka is randomly guest starring in season six, playing Sabrina Spellman from “The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.” We’re not sure why this is happening, and we’re sad to see Shipka get caught up in this mess. 

 

Overall, we really hope that “Riverdale” is a satire. The writers cannot think that what they’re writing is realistic or reasonable. This show is a literal dumpster fire and we cannot recommend it in good faith … but if you’re curious, season six premieres at 9 p.m. on Nov. 16 on the CW network.

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