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‘The Great British Bake Off’ Season 14 Episode 1 recap: something old, something new

We are back! After a yearlong hiatus, “Bake Off” is making its triumphant return, meaning these recaps can make their return as well. Get hyped.

There are a few changes to the “Bake Off” lineup this year. Allison Hammond is replacing Matt Lucas as host. After suffering through three seasons of Matt’s awful jokes, I am ready for the change. We also have Darrel, a BSL interpreter for one of the contestants. Paul and Prue return as judges, and both seem to be having a bit more fun this year. Noel is also back, and after this season, he will officially be the longest-serving host on “Bake Off.”

The episode opens with a truly horrifying “Breadfather” sketch, featuring Paul attempting an Italian accent. The less said about that, the better. We then head to the tent, which is decked out in the show’s original pastel color scheme. No more bright jewel tones, we have gone soothing pastels only. Yay! This year’s crop of bakers say the usual first confessional stuff: they’re nervous, they can’t believe it, they will be hypnotized by Paul’s eyes.

Allison is so excited, and there is a lot of hugging as she and Noel announce the signature, which is a vertical layer cake. Now, a vertical layer cake is a ridiculous first signature. It’s difficult, it’s fiddly and it’s technical. Remember, this is a show that used to open with bakes like “madeira cake” or “hometown biscuit.” For those curious, a vertical layer cake is essentially a Swiss roll standing on its side. Why couldn’t the challenge just have been a Swiss roll? Who’s to say?

As the challenge starts, we meet some of the new bakers. Rowan is this year’s youngest contestant and is playing it safe with a chocolate and raspberry cake. Nicky, whose Scottish accent is so strong I may need subtitles, is making an orange and lemon cake. Dan is one of the most British-looking men I have ever seen, and is irritatingly wholesome. He is making a rhubarb and custard cake. Allison confesses that she hates rhubarb. Luckily for Dan, she is not a judge.

We next meet Amos, who immediately gives me strong “going home early” energy. Maybe it’s the bad posture, or the early panic. He is making a chocolate orange cake with drip decorations. He is not alone in his decoration choice, as Keith and Josh are also doing drip cakes. The TikTok-ification of ‘Bake Off’ lives on.

Next up is Tasha. Now, the show may go on about Paul’s hypnotic eyes, but I am hypnotized by Tasha’s eyes, which are an incredibly dark blue. I immediately love Tasha, because she is making a yuzu and black sesame cake, my favorite flavor profile thus far.

Finally, we meet a series of quietly competent bakers, including wholesome forager Abbi, qualified-but-boring Cristy and chaotic Saku. Saku is so nervous that Paul gives her a hug. Ahem, Paul. Boundaries. Saku seems thrilled though.

The main drama of the signature is Matty the PE teacher, who splits two buttercreams. He takes it in stride though, and soldiers on with his tirimisu cake.

After some stress-inducing construction (cracks and leaks galore!), the bakers manage to achieve twelve vertical layer cakes that are all at least standing, and we move onto the judging. The main theme of the judging is the balance of flavors. Paul demands “punchier” flavors from Rowan and Cristy, and is thrilled by Abbi and Saku’s powerful flavor choices. Most of the drip cakes look decent, with the exception of Amos, whose decoration reminds me of period blood clots. Nicky’s cake is deemed “not terrible” by Paul. Despite the split buttercream, Matty manages to scrape by, and Keith and Dan both succeed with flying colors. The saddest cake of all is Tasha’s, which is so squat that Paul asks her if she sat on it. Luckily, it tastes fantastic.

Onto the technical challenge. To start, the technical gingham is red again! After several years of blue gingham, it’s nice to be back to the classic red. In a bit of meta, the technical challenge is the iconic Bake Off cake. You know, the one in the intro with the missing raspberry. The cake itself is a chocolate fudge cake with chocolate ganache.

Now, call me crazy, but after a signature that was too difficult, this technical was too easy. All the bakers can make a chocolate cake and ganache with their eyes closed. The only drama is whether the bakers should fridge the ganache. I can answer that one. No. If you fridge the ganache, it will be dull or split. The most exciting part of the technical is the crisis about what to do with the missing raspberry. Include it or leave it off? My favorite solution to this dilemma is Rowan choosing to put the missing raspberry on the side. 

In the technical judging, Dana is in last place, Tasha is in 11th and Nicky is in 10th. All had texture issues. In third is Abbi, second is Amos and first is Dan. Unfortunately, the technical was so easy there really wasn’t much separation, and Paul and Prue pretty much immediately discount it from their final decision.

And now, for the showstopper. This year, the first showstopper is an animal-shaped cake, which is worryingly reasonable. 

The theme of the showstopper is dog cakes. Keith is making a cake shaped like his poodle Maisie. Dana is baking her cockapoo Gracie and Dan is baking his dog Bruno.

We also have some farm animals. Josh is baking a Highland Cow, Abbi is baking a Herdwick sheep (a fatter and rounder variety of sheep) and Cristy is making a duck. 

On the aquatic side, Amos is making an orca whale with a “dense” sponge. No, Amos! Paul hates dense sponge. Rowan is making a lobster, and Saku is making a turtle.

Finally, we have some animals that would be at home here in New England. Tasha is going for a tahini-flavored robin-shaped cake. And Nicky is baking a beaver. As soon as she says that, there is a lot of sniggering, leading me to wonder what ‘beaver’ means in British. Luckily, 2018 winner Rahul comes to my rescue by asking the same question in the Bake Off Instagram comments section. The replies inform him (and me) that ‘beaver’ is British slang for vagina. Good to know.

Everything is sailing along quite nicely until Amos suffers disaster. His buttercream is too soft, and he chose not to support his cake with dowels, meaning the whole thing collapses. He does manage to achieve a cake, but it is far too small and incredibly messy.

Onto judging! All the cakes (except for Amos’) look quite good. Cristy achieves punchy flavors, Dan’s cake gets rave reviews, and Abbi’s cake is deemed “excellent.” Meanwhile, Dana’s cake isn’t banana-y enough. Tasha manages to save herself with her unusual tahini cake. Poor Amos’ cake is derided as ugly, doughy, tough, stodgy, dry and oversweet. In my not-entirely-professional opinion, Amos is doomed.

And then there’s Nicky’s beaver, which looks straight out of Nickelodeon. “Tell us about your beaver,” Prue says, and the entire tent explodes with laughter. Alas, Nicky’s cake is too dry. “I don’t like dry beavers,” Allison quips in the judging pavilion.

Prue and Paul declare that Dan, Cristy, and Abbi are in line for Star Baker, and Amos, Dana, and Nicky could go home. In my notes, I predict that Dan is Star Baker, and Amos is going home. And I am correct! Dan is beyond thrilled, and poor Amos has a bit of a cry.

It’s wonderful to have ‘Bake Off’ back. We’ve got a new host, new contestants, and new challenges, but the tent has returned to its old look, and ‘Bake Off’ is still ‘Bake Off,’ that comforting show you need when things get cold and dark outside.

Next time: biscuits! Including a biscuit illusion showstopper. Can Nicky redeem her dry beaver? Will Tasha continue her unusual flavor streak? Will Paul hug any more contestants? Join me next week to find out.

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