Some episodes of “Bake Off” are wholesome and heartwarming. Some are nail-biting and full of drama. And some are an hour of pure chaos. This episode falls firmly into the third category. It opens with Paul biting into a biscuit made of concrete and doesn’t look back.
The 11 bakers who have survived the dreaded Week One elimination troop back into the tent, and we are informed that it is biscuit week. Dana is reassured that biscuits are different from cakes, and Keith rambles about the virtues of shortbread for a few minutes.
Why is it called biscuit week and not cookie week? Well, it’s because it’s the “Great British Bake Off,” meaning we’re using British terminology. Plus, British biscuits and American cookies are closely related but not identical food groups. While cookies can be soft and chewy, biscuits must either be crisp or crumbly.
Time for the signature! I am mildly distracted by the absolutely stunning dress that Allison is wearing, but I do make out that the signature is marshmallow biscuits. We then hear about how “nostalgic” these biscuits are in approximately 50 different ways. Apparently, the favored snack of British schoolchildren is a biscuit with marshmallow and chocolate on it. Honestly, good for them.
The most common version of marshmallow biscuit in the tent is a tea cake. Confusingly, tea cakes contain neither tea nor cake. They are biscuits topped with a marshmallow dome and coated in chocolate. Most bakers making tea cakes are using silicone molds to achieve the dome shape. Meanwhile, Keith, who is making peanut butter and jelly wagon wheels, is throwing caution to the wind and going mold-less. Allison finds out that Keith used to do stand up and tries to bully him into doing a bit. Mercifully, Keith shoos her off. Dan is also making wagon wheels. His are peanut butter, banana and chocolate, inspired by his son’s diet of choice. PE teacher Matty, who is determined to be a walking stereotype, is making “half-time” biscuits and is engaged to a woman he met at the gym.
Meanwhile, Dana is making speculoos (a fancy way of saying mixed spice) biscuits, Nicky is making ginger and rhubarb biscuits and Josh is making black forest biscuits with blackberries. I don’t know how to break it to Josh that blackberries usually don’t go in the black forest flavor profile.
During the quieter section of the signature, we learn some fun facts about the bakers. For one, Nicky’s dogs are named Haggis and Bracken, which is fantastic. Tasha used to live in Australia and Abbi used to live in Tunisia. Both have drawn inspiration from these countries, as Tasha is making chocolate malt biscuits and Abbi is making saffron, orange and pistachio biscuits. Noel claims to have a tattoo of 2018 winner Rahul on his bum and I consider muting the TV. Finally, we have Rowan, who is making lemon and parma violet biscuits. Paul loathes parma violets, sending Rowan spiraling into a panic.
After all the intros, it’s time to make the marshmallow! Everyone is fine except for Keith, who somehow can’t get his sugar syrup to boil fast enough. Maybe he can’t figure out the electric stovetop? Regardless, he is a solid 15 minutes behind everyone else as we head into the second half of the challenge. The rest of the signature is just shots of Keith panicking interspersed with everyone else doing fine. And lo and behold, his wagon wheels look like an utter disaster.
Onto the judging! Dana’s biscuits prove divisive (Prue loves them, Paul isn’t a fan). Paul is relieved by the lack of violet in Rowan’s biscuits. Matty’s biscuits are too chonky, Josh’s biscuits are deemed “spot on,” and Abbi’s biscuits have too much orange. Reigning star baker Dan’s biscuits are “technically perfect.” Nicky, who seems to just be in chaos all the time, forgot to add her jam. And then it’s time for poor Keith, whose biscuits look like they were made by an overenthusiastic child. Luckily, they taste amazing.
The last baker to be judged is Tasha. Her biscuits are sophisticated and beautiful, and taste fantastic. And then … we have our first Hollywood handshake! Now, I have mixed feelings about this. Is the Hollywood handshake a dumb gimmick and is this far too early in the season for one? Yes. Do I love Tasha and want her to have every good thing in this world? Also yes.
Technical time! The technical is custard creams, a common packaged biscuit in the UK. A custard cream is basically a golden Oreo with a different logo stamped on it. Prue says the biggest challenge is making sure the dough is cold enough to be clearly imprinted and so they don’t melt in the oven. Matty probably sums up this challenge the best, saying “it’s good because you know what they look and taste like. It’s bad because you know what they look and taste like.”
The dough is made without too much incident. Next is the creme au buerre, which is going to be the filling. Creme au buerre is a fairly rich French style of buttercream, and putting it in custard creams is beyond extra. But it’s “Bake Off,” so why not? Poor Keith, who seems to be absolutely cursed this episode, splits his buttercream, and is fifteen minutes behind everyone else. Again.
Then, drama! As the bakers roll out their biscuit dough, Cristy uses Rowan’s biscuit dough by mistake. It’s giving custardgate (when Deborah used Howard’s custard “by error”). Rowan and Cristy giggle hysterically for a moment, then swap doughs.
The next challenge is imprinting the biscuits with the design. If the dough is too warm, it’ll be sticky and impossible to work with. And Keith is, again, behind. The bakers question how long they should bake them. Rowan acknowledges that custard creams are pale “like me in the winter.” Rowan truly is a font of wonderful quotes.
Keith only manages to bake twelve in the first round, but everyone else has finished baking and is selecting which biscuits are pretty enough to be displayed to the judges. Rowan deciding this says “this one is going to be a top, this one is going to be a bottom.” No comment.
By a minor miracle, Keith manages to finish, but looks like he’s been through a war by the end of the challenge. However, just completing the challenge isn’t enough, and he comes last. In tenth is Saku with a curdled custard, and in ninth is Cristy (karma for stealing Rowan’s dough!). At the top we have Rowan in third, Dan in second and Abbi in first, who has produced biscuits that are “better than a commercial custard cream.”
In the judging pavilion, Allison is still squealing over Tasha’s handshake. Meanwhile, Paul is constantly referring to the technical as “the tech,” and the signature as “the sig,” and I pray to the “Bake Off” gods to shut him up.
The showstopper challenge is an illusion biscuit display depicting the bakers’ favorite meal. It sounds like someone just opened a book of “Bake Off” madlibs and threw darts at it. Multiple bakers remark on how you would never think of doing something like this. Well, duh.
A popular choice is Asian food. Abbi is making a dim sum brunch (in biscuit), Saku is making a Sri Lankan breakfast (in biscuit) and Tasha is making chicken katsu (in…you get the idea).
There is also a battle of the cheese boards between Cristy, Matty and Rowan. Rowan’s ideal night with friends involves cheese, charcuterie and a lot of wine. I love him.
The last big category is fast food in the tent, with Josh making a burger and Dana making pizza. Meanwhile Keith, who really needs a fantastic day, is making his favorite lunch, with a ham and tomato sandwich and a soft serve ice cream. But then he suffers disaster, and his biscuits melt off their molds. And he is, you guessed it, fifteen minutes behind everyone else.
At this point, the episode descends into unhinged chaos. Josh is waxing poetic about how realistic his tomato slice biscuits look, but in my opinion, the biscuits look exactly like peace signs. Saku has decided to serve real onions. Allison reminds her that the challenge is illusion biscuits. “It’s just a side dish,” Saku retorts. Asian! Realness! I’m obsessed. Rowan has a minor breakdown over how ugly his showstopper looks, and Keith seems mildly shocked that he managed to finish.
And now it’s time for the judging. Tasha has done fantastically well (yay!). Cristy wins the battle of the cheese boards, but Matty isn’t far behind. Rowan’s cheese board is, alas, kind of ugly. Keith’s showstopper, meanwhile, is hideous, and his biscuits are raw. Poor Keith.
The star showstopper is Josh’s burger, which looks extraordinarily realistic. Apparently, it also tastes fantastic. It’s so good that Paul runs over to his station and gives Josh a handshake. BOOO. No showstopper handshakes! Plus, I don’t like Josh enough to even attempt to justify a handshake this early in the season. And the judges suggest that Josh could steal the Star Baker crown from Tasha. Double boo.
As for who’s going home, there’s really no question that it’s Keith, but the judges try to act like Nicky could possibly also be in danger. Thankfully, the judges see sense and award Star Baker to Tasha. Hurrah! And going home is Keith. He seems mildly relieved, to be honest.
Next time, it’s the notorious bread week! Can Nicky finally have a good week? Will Rowan give us more fantastic quotes? And will Paul give any more superfluous handshakes? Join me next week to find out.
