Happy Friday the 13th, Hoot readers! It’s Zach, back for my second article. Given today’s date, I thought I’d write about one of my favorite movie series, “Friday the 13th.” Each film in this 80s slasher movie franchise has the same formula: hockey-masked zombie killer Jason Voorhees slashes a group of teens who foolishly decide to work or vacation at Camp Crystal Lake for the summer. At the end of each film, Jason is defeated by the most innocent and pure member of the group (aka the final girl/boy). To be upfront, these films are TERRIBLE. They’re predictable, badly acted and poorly written, but they’re also incredibly fun to watch. In the following article, I’ll list a series of strategies that I’d consider using to survive one of Jason’s onslaughts (SPOILERS AHEAD):
1. Don’t go to Camp Crystal Lake
It’s simple! People need to stop going to that lake. Very few people would’ve died in Parts I-VII if no one had gone to have summer fun at a murder site. The first two films feature Crazy Ralph who warns the characters of their doom through deranged ramblings (Part III has a similar character as well). Therefore, you could justify the character’s willful ignorance by citing the inherent unbelievability of the warnings. BUT, each movie also features news reports of the previous movie’s massacre. Additionally, the cast of Part III literally drives past the body bags of the cast of Part II and proceeds to their lake house!!!! Like c’mon guys…
2. Don’t Do Drugs
The more you watch these movies, the more you’ll think they were actually made by Nancy Reagan. Characters are regularly depicted doing drugs immediately before their murders. In the 1980 original, Kevin Bacon’s character, Jack, is impaled through a bed mere seconds after smoking a joint. This won’t be an issue for me.
3. Abstain from sex
Despite the moral outrage directed at this series, these films are really quite puritanical in their messaging. Like with drugs, characters depicted engaging in sexual activity are brutally murdered by Jason shortly afterward. This sometimes leads to the death of otherwise innocent and sweet characters such as my beloved Jimbo Mortimer (played by the wonderfully awkward Crispin Glover). Jason’s still got nothing on me!!!!
4. Not even think about any romantic endeavor of any kind (unless someone’s giving survivor vibes)
Some great characters have been murdered before engaging in any of the prohibited behavior for simply engaging in a romantic subplot. In one case, a boy is killed after unsuccessfully asking out his crush and in another case, a girl is killed after politely rejecting another character. HOWEVER, THERE IS AN EXCEPTION. Later films provided invincibility to romantic interests of the final girl/boy. So if someone seems pure enough to survive the movie, I’ll have no choice but to rizz them up for my own survival.
5. Lure Jason into the lake, pour circle of gasoline into said lake, light lake on fire, fight Jason on a boat inside the resulting ring of fire, tie him to the boat’s motor with chains and then start up the boat
This worked for Tommy Jarvis (the main character played by three different actors in Parts IV-VI) and I think I could pull it off. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!
6. Just talk to him
No actually guys, this worked for a final girl. Granted, she had to pretend to be his mother, but I have no aversion to drag! Nobody just sits down and talks things out anymore, it’s a real shame. Jason will apologize for murdering everyone and I’ll apologize for entering his lake and making him feel uncomfortable. If the drag is necessary, I’ll provide some motherly love. Then, we’ll go our separate ways. BOOM! Brutal murder avoided.
7. Bring Patrick Bateman
Both Friday the 13th and American Psycho take place in the 80s, setting the stage for a truly epic crossover! Now you may be asking: how could anyone convince someone as snobbish as Patrick Bateman to go to a lakehouse in the woods? The answer is obvious; I’ll tell him that Jason has a better business card. This’ll surely lead to violent confrontation between the two murderers, giving me ample time to flee the scene. An added bonus would be if I could swipe Patrick Bateman’s ‘80s pop cassettes on the way out! We’ll see how much time I have to escape.
8. Flirt with Jason???
What if I hit Jason with a good ol’ bend and snap right before he tries to kill me? I mean, think about it. It might work!!!!!! Just disregard everything I said earlier about sex and romantic endeavors.
9. Give critical support to President Reagan in ‘84 (SPONSORED)
Look at the depraved state of American teenagers! All they do is drink, smoke, be promiscuous, eat hot chip and lie. Disgusting!!! No wonder Jason keeps murdering them! Only President Reagan’s moral leadership can end this crisis. (This section was paid for by the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum)
(For legal reasons, the sponsorship is purely fictitious and a joke)
10. Fight Jason (and everything he represents)
Jason is a fictional character, though his puritanical values are very real and continue to oppress people. There are manifestations of Jason all around us upholding the conservative views of a bygone age. In the films, the final girls/boys get to beat Jason because they’re pure, but their victories are temporary. He always comes back! To truly beat Jason, we must do the opposite of these characters. By living our lives without fear and refusing to conform to outdated conceptions of morality, we can permanently send Jason to hell where he belongs.
