Hoot readers, a monumental day has come. I, an unfortunately avid fan of male manipulator media, have finally viewed the 1999 cult classic “Fight Club.” I was told that I’d enjoy this film and boy did I ever!!!! It was superbly acted and directed, the score slapped, it’s messages were deep and I was thoroughly locked into the plot despite knowing major spoilers. If you haven’t seen this film, please watch it! My friend Jack and I watched it together and have been itching to break the first rule of Fight Club by analyzing it here. To spice up the format, we’re going to express our thoughts via letters to Tyler Durden, the film’s central character and leader of Fight Club/Project Mayhem. Enjoy:

 

Dear Tyler,

Are you free next Saturday night??? Sorry, was that too forward? I’ve been utterly enamored with you since watching that movie. In the immortal words of Adam Levine: “holy fucking fuck, that body of yours is absurd.” Honestly, for someone who hates self-improvement so much, I’m amazed with how incredibly hot you are in this film. And that’s not all. Your outfits are incredible! I’ve never wanted a red leather jacket more in my life and I too love a nice pair of tinted sunglasses. However, what I really admire most about you is your ability to communicate. Your quotes are bleak yet somehow incredibly inspiring. When you said “It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything,” it shook me to my core. In fact, I’d say everything about you is inspiring! While a peaceful reformist myself (opposites attract?), I find your ability to rally men in breaking modern life’s glum, soul-sucking monotony admirable. We need more leaders like you. Anyway, I think you’re really attractive and interesting and would love it if you would contact me. I know you’re not real, but neither are most people. 

XOXO,

Zach

 

Tyler,

Whatever you do, don’t listen to Zach. He doesn’t understand your philosophy, he just thinks you’re hot. I, on the other hand, am disgusted by you. You’re a fucking fascist, a repugnant fascist. As opposed to liberating the oppressed, you scapegoat consumerism as an excuse to embrace toxic and violent masculinity. That’s my problem with you revolutionary types, it’s never about creating genuinely positive change and always about realizing your brutal power fantasy. 

Fuck you,

Jack Duvall

 

Dear Tyler,

Sorry about Jack’s behavior, babe, that was so uncalled for! I know you’re not a fascist and think you have great intentions. After looking at more photos of you on Pinterest, I’ve decided your intentions definitely justify your extreme methods. Your movement inspires purpose for the purposeless and will free us from the prison that is our current existence. Times like these make me want to self-destruct and you’ve given that process meaning. From the ashes of self-destruction will come more than just liberation, but an evolved state of being. No longer will I be burdened by society’s useless constraints, and for that, I thank you. Also, you’re hot. Like really hot. Damn. Sometimes, I don’t know if I want you or want to be with you.

Call me,
Zach

 

Tyler, 

Now, look what you did!!! You radicalized Zach with your fascist garbage. It’s at least 75% due to him thinking you’re attractive, but I’m still pissed. Because of you, he’s essentially endorsed fight clubs in the newspaper! (For those uninitiated, Tyler’s “movement” is men beating each other up in a basement and committing acts of terrorism. Apparently, Zach likes that now.) Not all men are violent brutes, but I fear they soon will be if your ideas win. You, Tyler, should be ashamed, and so should Zach. You’re a couple of selfish, naive and hedonistic pricks. In addition, I’m not sure what Zach meant by “self-destruction” earlier. He’s too much of a chicken to do anything like that beyond procrastinating on homework. LOL. I’m going to relay this message to him, the dumbass needs to hear it.

Go fuck yourself,

Jack Duvall

 

Tyler, my love,

Sorry for replying late, I’ve been so depressed. Are we the bad guys??? Jack says yes, but I’m starting not to care. All Jack does is make me feel stupid and guilty; he’s a terrible friend. So I think I’m ready to let go. I’m ready to be (with) you. That’s all I want. That’s also why I’m challenging Jack to a fight tomorrow. I thought that would impress you.

Wish me luck,

Zach

 

Tyler,

What the actual fuck? Did you know Zach just challenged me to a fight? Ughhhhh. I’m going to have to teach that imbecile a lesson, don’t I? All I wanted to do was be a good friend and reign in his worst impulses. I may be harsh but I’m fair. In this case, the fair thing to do would be to kick both your asses, but you’re not technically real, so Zach will have to suffice.

I hope you’re happy,

Jack Duvall

 

Dearest Tyler,

I’ve never felt more alive. Multiple bones are broken and I’m bleeding profusely, but I did it. Or in a way, we did it. With you supporting me, he didn’t stand a chance. Didn’t even feel guilty as I watched him limp away. Refreshing. Since then, I haven’t heard from him, but that’s ok with me. I don’t need him anymore as I have you. Now we can be lovers and listen to The 1975 and “Sailor Song” by Gigi Perez together!!! Yay!!!!!!

Eternally yours,

Zach

 

Hey Zach, Jack or whatever personality you’re channeling now,

I’m not sure you understood the movie. Tyler Durden would not love you. Alright, I know you’re into those ‘90s Brad Pitt photos (especially “Need Money For Porsche”) and I get it, he’s hot. It’s just that he and Tyler Durden are both awful in different ways, so let’s not thirst too hard. Nearly anyone else would be a more respectable crush, even The Narrator or Marla Singer if you’re still so obsessed with “Fight Club.” Pine for either of them instead, I beg you. Also, the “Zach vs. Jack” stuff reads more like a cry for help than an analysis of the Narrator/Tyler Durden divide. Please stop freaking everybody out or they’ll begin to think you’re being 100% serious.

Take care of yourself,

Zach’s Voice of Reason