If you’ve ever had the great misfortune of seeing the Brandeis Judges mascot in-person (or if you’ve ever gotten a 404 error on the Brandeis website), you will know that our weirdly fuzzy, weirdly large rendition of the great Louis D. is beyond terrifying. With a chin square and sharp enough to make even the most sigma of sigma males jealous, a weirdly concerned looking facial expression and the worst case of lockjaw I’ve ever seen, I could not think of a mascot less likely to inspire school spirit. 

It’s honestly a little bit ridiculous that this is the best that we can do. What, we’re number 63 in National Universities but number 1,663 (definitely not a number that I just made up) in Best Mascot?! Sure, I understand making Louis’ Supreme Court status the center of our sports branding strategy, but there is no way that this was the only viable option. I mean, it doesn’t even actually resemble our namesake! Did they even look at a photo of Judge Brandeis before they put together this monstrosity? Is he supposed to be attractive? Intimidating? Why is he gritting his teeth like his life depends on it? Why does his hair look like toothpaste? I have so many questions and not one of them is “where can I get Brandeis Judges merch?” which is, after all, the most important question that one should be asking.

I as a student am embarrassed (EMBARRASSED!) every time I so much as think about the fact that this is my mascot. How am I supposed to show school pride at the sports games that I definitely have time to go to? How am I supposed to flex on my friends at other universities when our mascot is a literal man in a man costume? It’s not even clear that he’s supposed to be a judge! He could just as easily be seen as wearing a human-sized trash bag.

I kid slightly, but it is legitimately annoying that this is what we have to work with when you consider just how wonderful our unofficial mascot is. If you’re not familiar with our secondary mascot, Ollie the Owl, then let me introduce you. Ollie is an Owl. Uhh, I guess that that’s more or less everything you should know about Ollie. But just by nature of being an owl, Ollie is automatically so much better than the abomination that is zaddy Louis D. Brandeis. I mean, look at the creepy uncanny valley furry, and then look at the cuddliest little owl guy that you ever did see. Look at the man with an inflatable gavel, and then look at those gorgeous owl eyes. Look at the giant, imposing, horror movie villain, and then look at those pretty wings. I mean, you get it right? Cute, cuddly and easily transformed into a merchandisable plushie … I mean, what else could you ask for in a mascot? Not to mention the catchy and alliteration of “Ollie the Owl” makes him instantly memorable even to non-Deisians who can’t pronounce our school’s name.

So hear me out: Brandeis should accept Ollie the Owl as its official mascot. The students will love it, the parents will love it, Ollie will love it; really it’s just a win, win, win for all parties involved. I do recognize, though, that the administration might be potentially averse to this kind of change. After all, if the mascot gets changed, then we’d have to alter all of our athletic uniforms! We’d need to change the logos in Gosman! And that’s money that the university could likely find a better use for. So here’s my ingenious solution, my compromise that would allow Ollie to ascend to the upper echelon of D-III athletics: don’t change our name. We’ll stay the Brandeis Judges; our logos and sports gear won’t need a revamp or reworking. All we’ll change is that we’ll retire the Louis mascot costume (personally I think it would be funny if we stuck him in the “At Home with Justice Brandeis and his Family” exhibit in Goldfarb Library) and order a new mascot costume for Ollie. A quick DuckDuckGo search told me that this could be as inexpensive as $5,000, which even our terrible financial situation can certainly support.

“But Sarah,” you might say, thinking that you’ve found a flaw in my otherwise infallible plan, “Ollie isn’t a judge, how can we be the Brandeis Judges if our mascot isn’t a judge?” That’s an excellent question, and fortunately, I already have the perfect solution to this issue: we make Ollie a judge. Or, well, we make our mascot an owl in judges’ robes. Not the most traditional, but who’s going to care if Ollie hasn’t actually been to law school? Brandeis doesn’t even have a law school, so where could he have possibly gone for his degree?

This way, we’d keep the Judges aspect of the existing brand while replacing our decrepit mascot with a newer, cuter model. I for one would certainly be more likely to give myself up to displays of school spirit if it was in the name of a cute lil’ owl rather than an old white man, wouldn’t you?