Why am I here?: Disappointment

January 31, 2020

Hello North Quad Team,

As the unofficial representative of the student body, I would like to respond to the egregious claims made of us. First of all, yes, break was very relaxing thank you very much, and as far as I am concerned the semester is alright so far. Thanks for asking. 

Now let’s get into this. The past two weekends, sure, maybe they have not been our best in terms of how we have treated the space. But do not hit us with that “the past TWO weekends have been disappointing.” That type of rhetoric is exclusively used by my dad when he comes home late and tells me he isn’t mad, “just disappointed,” and then goes into all my flaws. So, don’t you dare say that to me; I can’t go back to rehab and neither can all of North Quad. We are a community here, hence why you guys are called CAs and not RAs, so if you come at one or a few of us, you come at all of us. Also, none of us litter the outdoor spaces—the indoor spaces, sure, maybe you have an argument there. But that white s**t you saw outside was not trash but snow AKA earth juice, AKA God jizz, AKA Canada. Get this too, it melts with warm temperatures so do not worry about it sticking around for long #GlobalWarming #ThanksBoomers #OKBoomer. 

For the 13 CAs of North Quad, you’re right, we do only have four janitors for all of North Quad. However, do not forget you also live here in the quad with us and are just as responsible for the mess as us. Those janitors work really hard and it must be so disappointing, one could say, for them to have to clean up the mess of the leaders of this quad. Shameful. Now I have some suggestions that perhaps would make the issues you guys brought up nonexistent. 

1.   Your comment: “Polaris is a common lounge used by North residents as well as clubs and organizations across campus. This space should be treated as such, rather than leaving broken ceiling tiles, food scraps and other trash across the area.”

My response: To fix the issues regarding Polaris Lounge, I suggest we remove the roof from the lounge and replace it with raccoon nests. Hear me out here, no roof, no ceiling tiles to fall and break and never be cleaned and the raccoons will eat the trash and food on the ground so the cleaning staff won’t even need to clean the place. Easy fix right there, and Ron won’t need to pay the raccoons so he can increase his salary and be happy!

2.   Your comment: “Leaving food products such as cheese balls strewn across the floor and along window sills attracts pests and is unacceptable.”

My response: Okay, this is just hilarious. I know we are in college but the fact that we are getting reprimanded about cheese balls is pretty funny. My idea to fix this is to put cameras in the hallways to see who is leaving them everywhere, and then we catch them and tape cheese balls to the front of their pants. Then, whenever we see someone walking with two cheeseballs on their pants, we all point at them and yell, “shame to the cheesy one.” That will totally solve this issue.

3.    Your comment: “Clogging toilets with paper towels will result in toilets becoming clogged and eventually bathrooms will need to be taken offline for plumbing repairs. This may result in multiple floors sharing a bathroom.”

My response: Okay, so with the toilets I think we should install a lighter on the toilet paper dispensers. So, when it deems that we have put too much paper in the toilets, it lights your hands on fire so you’ll stop. Now, it won’t be a bad burn but enough to make you go, “WHY THE HECK IS THERE FIRE IN HERE!” Now, for the masochists among us that may be pleasured by this, do not fret, I was thinking of you, too. I think for you guys we should also make sure that if you use too much paper a siren goes off and BEMCo comes to your bathroom and just starts asking if you need a glucose injection, and that’ll get you out of there quickly.  

4.   Your comment: “When using the common kitchens in Polaris and in Cable 2 you should ALWAYS be cleaning up after yourself. If you do not have the supplies you need to clean, then you should not be cooking in those spaces.”

My response: I cannot help it if the students on my floor cook squid in the kitchen every other weekend. Yeah, the dorm smells and yeah, I hate it too. So, here is my proposal. Anyone who really wants to cook in the kitchens in North Quad has to watch a 27-hour, yes 27- not 24-hour, compilation of the parts of “The Great British Baking Show” where the old crusty British people chew the food but it is slowed down so it’s even more uncomfortable. Then, and only then, can they cook in the kitchen.

5.   Your comment: “Finally, noise issues have been a consistent issue since returning from Winter Break. Of course, socializing is expected, and myself, Winnie, and the CA team love that there is such a friendly North Quad Community. However, hosting friends in a hallway after quiet hours cannot continue. Hallways are not an appropriate gathering space and the CA team has had consistent noise complaints from residents of the community.”

My response: So, I am thinking of an open floor plan on this. I think we knock down all the dorm walls and instead put in those paper-thin cubicle walls so then if someone thinks I am being too noisy at 2:30 a.m., he or she can look at me directly and ask me to be quiet and not wimp out and ask the CA to calm me down. Yes Karen, I do have a lot to say at 2:30 a.m. and yes, I will talk as loud as I want, but until you look me in my eyes and tell me to stop, I will only get louder as the nights go on.

In other words, to the great North Quad Team, until I see these changes made in our quad you can bet your butt I will be sitting on the toilet shoving all four rolls of toilet paper down in there as I throw cheese puffs down the hall and into the stove I turned on. This quad is perfect the way it is and if it changes for the worse, well… to quote Bhad Bhabie, “B**ch, I’m gone. I’m taking my whole everything. I’m even taking the mattress off the bed.”  

Editor’s note: This is the sixth part of the series “Why am I Here?”    

Editor’s note: Editor-in-Chief Candace Ng works for the Department of Community Living and did not contribute to this article.

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