​Well here we are folks, it’s 2020. The age of science, and here we all are believing that Mercury being in retrograde actually means something important in our lives. So I thought, why not take advantage of this great opportunity to throw science out the window and give people advice. I hope these little suggestions the stars have sent down to me like Moses receiving the commandments will help all you lost college students this week:

Aquarius—You’re in for a bit of an adjustment period this week, and then for several weeks after that, following which you’ll be able to function just as well as a person whose legs aren’t on backward.

Pisces—You’ll end next week the same way you’ll start it: constructing a crackpot scheme that you hope will extinguish the flames of your recent mistakes.

Aries—You’ll have a day anywhere from not so good to good. Not necessarily amazing or terrible, but trust me it’ll be pretty mediocre.

Taurus—Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you’ll beat him to the punch by doing it within seven months.

Gemini—This just might be the year when you stop listening to spurious advice and trusting fate. Remember to keep checking your horoscope to make sure.

Cancer—You’ll get to know your town a little better over the next few weeks as you lose your job, get evicted and wander the streets looking for food and shelter.

Leo—Sometimes everything seems dark and without hope. When you begin feeling this way, it’s important to remember that these are the natural consequences of being realistic.

Virgo—You’ll be forced to confront the infinite, the fleeting nature of life and your own mortality next week when, not to put too fine a point on it, you’ll simply die.

Libra—This one is crazy. On a walk to Gosman you will meet the ghost of Louis D. Brandeis and he will lean down close to your ear and whisper softly, “If a quiz is a quizzical, why isn’t a test a testical?” Confused, you will then fall down the stairs of the bridge and land at the feet of some student on a hoverboard. That student will then continue to be on his phone and scoot around you. As you get up you will see it. I can’t tell you what “it” is because the stars are telling me to keep it secret, but they wanted you to know all this specific information. Good luck!

Scorpio—You’re finally over your last lover, to the point where you can start reading that book he recommended in which God creates the Earth and stuff.

Sagittarius—They say you’re at the end of your rope and that you should just give up and resign yourself to failure, and they’re board-licensed psychiatrists and therapists, so they should know.

Capricorn—You’ll find to your delight that love at first sight is very real, and to your horror that revulsion and loathing on fifth sight is, too.