Tommy Time

March 6, 2020

Q: “Why am I crying in da slut cave?” 

A: I feel a personal responsibility to respond to this because I can only imagine what position someone must be in to ask such a question. I guess I will start by asking it back, for what reason on God’s green f*cking Earth are you crying in “da” slut cave? I can only imagine someone writing this as they curl themselves into the fetal position thinking about that time they wanted to play catch with their dad but he said no. So, years later as this fully-grown person is in “da” slut cave someone comes up to them and says, “Hi, I’m Sinnamon.” YES—cinnamon with an “S” not a “C,” that’s the point. But when she says “Hi” to you, you remember your dad and think, “How would he see me now after that horrible cinnamon challenge death he had?” So, inevitably you start “crying in da slut cave.” This is how I see this question and I am glad I got this out now.

I did make myself a promise, however, to at least take a part of the column seriously so, sorry, but it’s time to be sad. So perhaps you are crying in “da slut cave” because of a cinnamon related accident, and to those people I apologize and suggest finding help. Most likely though, you are crying in a normal club and I want to explore this a little. Camila Cabello has a whole song “Crying in the Club” where she talks about the beat moving the tears away and how we will die without him, this former lover, in her life. I take issue with this way of thinking, because so often around me I see people worrying about things they cannot control. In this case you cannot control that this person is gone from your life and yes, I understand it appears to be impossible to move on, but you cannot move backward and get them back. You should only ever worry about what you CAN control and, in this example, it is not the person that is gone but the person you will become from this experience that you can mold and shape. 

My father always used to tell me growing up—and still does sometimes: “There are two spheres in life, this one very large sphere called ‘life’ and this very small one called ‘your sphere of influence.’ Never spend time worrying about ‘life’ when all you can control is what’s within your ‘sphere of influence.’” Life should not be lived wondering what housing number you got this week, or what application for grants or grad school will be good or not. All you should worry or wonder about is what you can control. Did I put my absolute all into this essay? Into this race? Into this match? Those who succeed in this world and live with little stress know this principle very well. 

Living life centers itself around how you feel about your actions. If you can walk away from anything thinking you did your absolute best, then you have no reason to worry about it. Say you have a job interview and you walk out with your head up high, thinking, “I know I killed it and showed them everything about me I wanted to,” then you’ve already won. Whether or not you get the job is of no concern because you did your best on everything you could control or influence—and you sure as hell ought to be proud of that. 

Perhaps it is something negative; after all, the world is not all sunshine and rainbows blasting out of my arse—despite what the kid on ’shrooms at AEPi had to say. Say you put yourself out there to someone who did not reciprocate. To a person you are close with and care about and all you dreamed of was holding their hand and calling them not by their name but by a relationship name. You mustered up your courage and told them how you felt and in one fell swoop they shattered all of those dreams and hopes. You cannot and should not be upset by an outcome like this. Sure, it did not go the way you wanted it to, like when my mom told me Santa Claus wasn’t real and despite my hopes suggesting he was… I was let down real quick. Despite the heartbreak, what you must realize is this: You are 10 times better as a person for facing your fears. You are an infinitely better person because instead of dreaming and hoping and thinking about things outside of your sphere of influence, you made the executive decision to act within your sphere of influence and confront those feelings.

Whether you had the interview of a lifetime or were left heartbroken you must always realize this: you cannot cry in the club or in “da slut cave” over things you cannot control. Life will always be full of things you cannot influence or manipulate but they are not to be worried about. All we can worry about is: did I give it my all? And am I proud of myself? Our sphere of influence is miniscule, so it is vital to not worry about the life outside it or else you’ll end up crying somewhere you probably do not want to be.  

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