When a man goes to sit on the toilet to do number two (I am not willing to admit that women defecate like men do), it is inherently assumed that this will be a time of solitude, contemplation, and complete and utter quiet. Yes he is here because nature has issued it inevitable call, but the real reason he is here is to ponder the true meaning of life. He is here to sift and sort through the depths of existance. Therefore, when he arises from his position, or even if he swats at an intruding fly, there is nothing more annoying than having his silence interrupted, his peace disturbed, and his solitude destroyed by the automatic flushing toilet. This sudden flush–which can best be likened to a thunderous roar of the brown grizzly bear cruising up and down the Rocky Mountains on a peaceful morning in early Mayis a complete unnecessary and indeed an unexpected surprise to the poor poo-er.
I understand that there is a common perception that individuals are on average, not very smart. And I respect that. However, I also believe that we should give these individuals the benefit of the doubt. When there is a knob on the toilet, as there fortunately generally is at our great University, that knob is not simply an unassuming knob sitting quietly on a toilet. No, it is rather a knob that is screaming, PLEASE USE ME!!!! You know you want to! I am here, ready to be pushed, sticking in your face! USE ME ALREADY!
Furthermore, once we have finished our business, it is always very satisfying cleaning up after ourselves. One really interesting characteristic about the human species is that they have the natural tendency to clean up their messes. Therefore, flushing the toilet is a natural right that every single human being is entitled to. This is a daily pleasure that we all are entitled to enjoy. Sadly though, that bloody automatic flushing toilet denies us of our natural right. It denies us the thrilling rush of flushing the toilet, and to quote Chris Rock in Head of State, That aint right. Indeed, it aint .
While talking to a classmate about this today, he said something truly thought-provoking, and he nailed it right on. He said, automatic wipers, fine, I understand. Automatic sinks, I guess I can live with. But automatic flushing toilets??? Gimme a break. At least using a sink does require some intellectual capability. One must be able to decipher between hot and cold water, and know which direction to turn the knob. Honestly, there is a great deal of activity going through ones brain when doing this act. The same cannot be said however, for flushing the toilet. Its one simple push, and boom, its done.
To sum everything up, automatic flushing toilets are evil for several reasons: They insult our intelligence, they interrupt our quiet time when we contemplate the meaning of life, and they deny us of our natural right of feeling satisfied when cleaning up after ourselves.
Right now, you are probably worriedly thinking, I understand his point, but what is the purpose of this random thought? Well friends, fear no more, for I do in fact have a point. During this crucial time, this time where we decide our fate for the next year, this ever so important time of the Student Union Elections and all of the Yes/No Referendums, I propose that we add one more simple, yet important question to the ballot: Should Brandeis EVER upgrade to an automatic flushing toilet? The answer my friends, is no. Sadly though, as we move through this technological 21st Century, I am afraid my deepest fears will come true. Please, help me ensure that this never happens. Next time you are sitting on the john in perfect solitude contemplating what it is that you are on this planet for, please remember that together we can do it. Together, we can make a difference. Together, we can insure that our solitude on the toilet will forever be preserved.
