Q: I am having some trouble making my girlfriend orgasm from penetrative sex alone. We have been using a vibrator and that does the job, but are there any positions that will allow my girlfriend to orgasm without a toy?

A: Well, first I want to commend you on your openness with your partner and willingness to use a toy when other things werent working. Many couples never discuss their sexual activities, how satisfying or unsatisfying they are, and how they can best make a good thing better, so you are already ahead of the curve. The reason why I bring up this praise is because you are also already on your way to achieving the desire you mention in your question: communication about what feels good, what is and isnt working, and of ideas on how to add spice and variation, is the best way for both partners to attain as much pleasure as possible. So keep on talking.

Second, DONT BE DISCOURAGED! Many women never orgasm by penetrative sex alone. In fact, according to the Guide to Getting it On! fewer than 50 percent of women orgasm from penetrative sex without the use of other tools or sexual techniques. This is not an excuse, however, to be an unconscientious lover! Sensitivity, attentiveness, and patience are extremely important to a happy and healthy sexual experience, whether or not the end result is orgasm during penetration. Further, sex does not have to end when the man orgasms;

granted, there may be an overwhelming desire to fall asleep, but with a little effort, one can quickly catch their second wind, and bring their partner to climax using manual or oral stimulation.

All that being said, there a few options available to the insistent couple that desires both partners to orgasm during penetrative sex. The primary cause of trouble in this area is a lack of clitoral stimulation during penetration;

and though there are certainly centers of sensitivity inside the vaginal canal (many have heard of the G-spot and perhaps the less well-known A-spot) the clitoris provides the most reliable source of orgasm, so stimulation of this organ might be paramount if orgasm is the desired product of a sexual engagement.

Different positions that place the clitoris optimally for stimulation, then, should account for the majority of ones sexual session, providing the best opportunity for the clitoris to receive the attention needed to produce orgasm.

Here are some good positions to try. A variation on missionary position is a good start, where instead of the woman spreading her legs for the man to enter, she closes her legs while lying down and the man spreads his around hers. Entering might be a little difficult, but when achieved this position places his penis high in the vaginal canal, and rubs more readily against the clitoris during thrusting. Also, she is better able to rub her clitoris against his pubic bone, which will provide extra sensation. Positions that allow the man to ride high like this one, will give the best opportunity to stimulate the clitoris, both bodies lying tight and close lengthwise tend to work well.

On the other side, if rear entry is more preferable, try to avoid positions that separate the bodies, like traditional doggy style. Though these positions are great for deep penetration and may be very successful for reaching the G and A spots, they do not directly stimulate the clitoris. Try instead to lie sideways with each other in a spooning position, and have her arch her butt towards her partner. This drops her clitoris to a better angle for stimulation from the underside of the penis.

My last suggestion is for the woman to get on top. Nobody knows what feels good for her better than she does, so put her up there and pay attention. The angle that gives her the most pleasure, the pace and timing of penetration, and the intensity that she enjoys, should all be observed: these are the techniques that the man can use to give her pleasure when hes on top.

If these positions do not interest you, almost any position can be adapted to make manual stimulation pleasurable during thrusting. Doggy style provides a wonderful position to reach around and stimulate her manually, and can be extremely effective when synchronized with thrusting. Missionary variations where her legs are up or over his shoulders might also provide a nice alternative if one is looking for comfortable ways to incorporate manual stimulation. In all cases, no matter how adept one is as a lover, any sexual experience will be greatly enhanced by communication. If standard missionary really gets you off at a certain angle, the only way to get what you want consistently is to say so. If doggy style hits just right on A-spot and feels great against your G-spot, communication is the only way to let him know. Dont be afraid to try everything, and anything that you think might feel good. If you have tried everything and still havent found what you are looking for, maybe the addition of a toy or vibrator will help to bridge the gap between what is happening and what you want to happen. If you have any other questions, please stop by SSIS on the third floor of Shapiro, or e-mail them to ssis@brandeis.edu.

Love,
SSIS.

Got questions? Send them in to ssis@brandeis.edu. Your identity will be kept confidential and all questions will be posted anonymously.