Welcome back to the SSIS column, where we answer any and all of Brandeis students’ questions about sex, sexuality, identity and relationships. If you have a question you’d like answered in our next column, email ssis@brandeis.edu or leave a question in the Google Form link on our Facebook page (Student Sexuality Information Service). Any and all questions are welcome: There are no bad, stupid or weird questions!
(Note: These answers are good-faith attempts by SSIS to be helpful to the Brandeis community, and are by no means exhaustive or to be taken as universal. If these answers don’t resonate with you, either pay them no mind, or reach out to us with suggestions for improvement!)

I want to try having phone sex with my boyfriend because it’s too cold to walk to south campus from East. Not sure how to initiate this conversation, should we FaceTime?

Thank you for your question! Initiating a new sexual activity with a partner can be somewhat daunting, especially if you’re not sure what their exact desires and limits are in this regard. With some self-reflection and an honest, non-judgmental conversation/negotiation with your boyfriend, you may be on your way to a remote, yet delightful, sexy situation.

A good starting point may be to think about what you want from this situation. What turns you on? Are you a more visual person, or would you prefer a phone call? If you prefer to see your boyfriend, a Skype/FaceTime call may be the best option; however, some people are intimidated or self-conscious about this, and for them a phone call might be their best bet.

Since a phone call or Skype call is pretty different from an in-person sexual situation, think about your limits in this regard. What are you comfortable saying or doing? What are some things that you would not be comfortable doing? Once you know what you desire from the situation, it’s a good time to talk to your boyfriend about it.

Bringing the conversation up can be another challenge in itself, especially since you’ve expressed concern about it. A good rule of thumb is to bring something like this up when the two of you are on good terms and in a comfortable, safe environment, ideally alone together.

If you have this initial conversation with your boyfriend and it goes well, that’s amazing! Now may be the time to think logistics. Try to find a time when both of your roommates are out of the room, if either of you have any (unless they don’t mind hearing this activity take place, but that opens up a whole other set of conversations).

It may help to set the mood: Warm, dim lighting may be nice, or maybe a playlist that makes you feel sexy and relaxed. There are also sex toys that can be paired together and activated remotely, which means, if you’re interested, that they’d be perfect for this situation!

Using We-Vibe’s We-Connect™ App, for instance, your partner could theoretically control a vibrator in East all the way from South Campus! There are a ton of other brands and toys that would work, so, if you’re interested, this is definitely an option for further research.

However, it is important to realize that your boyfriend may not want to do this activity with you. Hopefully they’ve communicated this in a way that doesn’t make you feel judged or wrong for wanting to do this.

If you do feel judged or uncomfortable with the way your boyfriend reacts, please know that it’s not healthy for your boyfriend to make you feel this. Know that your sexual fantasies are valid, and be willing to stand up for yourself! If your boyfriend declines this idea in a respectful and healthy way, great! Remember to keep their desires and limits in consideration, and now you know that discussing things like this is an option.

We think it’s awesome that you are attempting to outsmart this heinously cold weather. If this is something you can pull off, that’s great! If it’s not, that’s totally fine too. Being able to have an honest and healthy conversation with your partner like this is an accomplishment in itself.