On Tuesday, Jan. 21, the third impeachment trial in American history began. President Donald J. Trump is being impeached with two articles which are finally being debated on the Senate floor. As the good liberals we are here at Brandeis, all the buzz was about the proceedings of the trial. Trump this, history that, you could not escape it. The impeachment trial, yes, I guess someone could think it’s important, but, like life, we all know how it’s going to end and none of us want to think about it. However, the real news from Tuesday that no one was talking about was the HIVandMe legislation in Utah.

HIVandMe was clearly the winner of the day when it comes to what stories were published that day. In a nutshell, the state of Utah is going through a terrible HIV breakout. The solution to the problem was to sell condoms that encourage their usage. The condoms had friendly messages on them that, if you are anything like me, would make you buy them immediately. Some of the winning puns on the condom wrappers were: a map of Utah with a star on Salt Lake City with the caption, “SL,UT,” one with a picture of a bear on it saying, “Don’t go bare,” one with a picture of a cave on it saying, “Explore Utah’s Caves,” one with a couple dancing on it saying, “UinTAH sex?”, and finally the best of all, a condom wrapper with a photo of mountains on it captioned, “Enjoy your mountin’.”

Currently, the governor of Utah is trying to abolish the condom wrappers because they are apparently “too profane” and “do not represent the value of Utah.” Maybe I am young and dumb or perhaps my humor is ridiculously low brow, but this initiative is one of the best. If I were in Utah, I would collect every single one of these condoms. The program is undeniably more efficient than any other form of HIV prevention out there. I think that now it is time for the American people to step up. We must protest our state legislatures and condom producers to rise to the occasion and make better condoms. Now I am not an expert on puns, condoms or sex by any means, but I think some of these ideas could be sold.

There are plenty of themes to draw from and put on condoms. I am seeing one with a photo of a car on it saying, “Use the Masshole.” Massachusetts drivers are notorious for being bad, earning them the name of “Masshole.” This gets right to the point, which in this case is the Masshole. I think Trojan would be willing to purchase a condom wrapper with the Bruins logo on it saying, “Bruin her.” That one could even be changed for coffee lovers to a Dunkin’ Donuts logo saying, “Brewin’ Her.” Finally, I think one could be the skyline of Boston with the caption, “Bustin’ this instead.” Sushi lovers would enjoy the condom wrapper with a picture of a California roll on it saying “California roll me on it.” 

Now, perhaps this news didn’t break any national headlines, but the least we can do as Brandeis students is start a conversation about this initiative and even get SSIS to aid us. Although this story is not as cool as a historically important impeachment trial or whatever, we should all be concerned with that peach and protecting its civil liberties.  

Editor’s note: This is the sixth part of the series “Why am I Here?”