To acquire wisdom, one must observe

How to Halloween during the coronavirus

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time again! Yes, that’s right—it’s getting close to that time to let your hair down, let it all hang out and just let it be … Sorry, I couldn’t think of a third one to finish the set. Halloween is coming, and it is the night when caution is thrown directly into the wind, and pride is flushed back down the toilet, so dig out the most hideous clothing your wardrobe has to offer, hidden away because your parents gave it to you, and they don’t know how to get rid of old clothes. I know it is from decades ago when life was much “simpler and shinier,” but whether it be the platform boots, parachute pants and disco-ball shirt or just your run-of-the-mill, vinyl-clad, vampire-slaying three-piece ensemble you dug off of your grandfather, rest assured that on Halloween you can walk the streets in stride knowing that no matter how hilariously bizarre you look, no one suspects a thing. Well usually….

That’s generally the beauty of Halloween! It’s not about the candy because eventually everyone will grow old enough to be able to walk into a store and buy it themselves, and it’s not about the goofy parties because people typically don’t even need a reason to get drunk and have a good/weird time anymore, so what does that leave us with? It’s pretty easy, actually—it leaves us with the idea that for one night, we’re all able to shed that little thing called dignity, throw on whatever seems the craziest at the time and just go wild, and yet there’s really nothing anybody can say about it because, hey, it’s almost Halloween!

Fortunately for those like myself, who upon the second we were sent home immediately began Zooming in underwear, in the look affectionately referred to as “business up top and let me go back to bed for God’s sake it’s ten in the morning, professor, down below,” dignity has not been a word used to describe how we have carried ourselves recently. The coronavirus has thrown our dignity away, like how my mom threw my bedroom away and made it a “guest room because it looks nicer,” and left us in a pure state where we can lounge around naked with our cameras off on Zoom or even, as I do, turn the camera off and sleep through all my classes. Dignity has lost its place in the world currently, but oddly enough, I do miss feeling the need to put pants on to look nice. So, for everyone planning on going trick-or-treating or going to a Halloween party, may I suggest this version of Halloween to you: 

You stay home and instead of putting on either the most revealing clothing in the world, I suggest putting on your best “I do not care” clothes. It can be nothing or just sweats but make sure they are comfortable enough to pass out in because for Halloween, you may not go out, but it does not mean you cannot get wasted in your room. Remember, this year your hands have consumed more alcohol than your mouth, so you have to make up that dividend. Stay in and dress down this year!

 Now I do not know where to close because I never had a point to begin with, but honestly, how many Halloween-related topics for writers can there really be? I mean, the candy and trick-or-treating one is pretty obvious, and then maybe something about the parties, but those are canceled, so then where do you go? And God knows how this pandemic will play out. At this rate, by next year I could be writing my Halloween-time article about how I had pizza bagels for dinner and went to bed early because Halloween is a germ nightmare, but at least we’ve got that to look forward to—pizza bagels. 

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