Well, due to popular demand, and by popular demand, I mean my mother saying, “Do another star sign one that was funny,” I bring you another set of horoscopes. I know it is still a few days after the election, so for those of you trying to process the results and what has been happening so far, I hope these give you some guidance:
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are not meant to be taken seriously.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21): Well, Scorpio, it’s been an odd week for you hasn’t it? After a long life of wanting to be taller, you were excited to feel a growth spurt coming on because until now it only led to sharp pains in your butt. Well, this week that pain will come to fruition as you grow an actual scorpion tail out of your butt. You will then kill your roommate with it, and instead of thinking, “Oh god, how do I fix this,” you will instead feel calm on the inside. We don’t know what’s going on, but good luck with that!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21): Good old Sagittarius who is wise beyond your ears. Yes, your ears and not your years. You are only about 14 inches wise, which is the average ear to ear length of the human head. So do not expect a good grade back on that paper you just turned in. You have a lot to learn because we both know you just read “wise beyond your ears” and thought, “Yeah, that’s right.” So, I don’t know…Maybe read a book this week? Maybe don’t. I don’t care; I’m a writer not a horoscope cop.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 20): Capricorn, I know your family does not have the strength to tell you this, but just because you got over 10,000 views on Tik Tok does not make you famous. You are not a celebrity and honestly need to tone it down. This week you will meet Earl, just your average Bostonian, who will bring you back to Earth by asking over and over again what Tik Tok is and why he should care about it. So your 15 seconds of fame will end here. Sorry.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 to Feb. 19): Honestly, Aquarius, you’re killing it this week, bro. Enjoy. 😉 You will laugh, cry tears of joy, cheer and be at peace all week, so good job you for not being like Scorpio up there.
Pisces (Feb. 20 to March 20): Your can-do attitude this week will be your end. Well, I should rephrase that. It will not be your end so much as it will be your goldfish’s end. Perhaps you’re thinking, “I do not have a goldfish,” but that’s what you think. When you try to fix your loud Cable Hall radiator, you will receive a call from one of your parents saying the fish is dead. How your can-do attitude and the fish dying are related, I am not sure, but they are. Just stay away from the radiator is all I’m saying.
Aries (March 21 to April 20): Okay, Aries, you are going to chill out this week when all your friends confront you on your aggressive habits. They are going to tell you that running through the SCC with your fingers on your head looking like a bull screaming, “I am bull, and no one can stop me!” is bad. But we all know that you were really doing it so that the Einstein’s worker would give you a free bagel to stop doing it. Nice.
Taurus (April 21 to May 21): Mighty Taurus, this week you are going to give your friends a real laugh. You will be climbing backwards and upside down on the ceiling of your room yelling like a demon is possessing you. Your friends will see you up there, and when they ask what you’re doing up there, you are going to say, “Josh is gone; I am now Lucifer, and Death, and Satan and Ron Liebowitz!” They are going to laugh, and honestly sick prank, bro. I do not know how you got on the ceiling, but good for you for full sending that one.
Gemini (May 22 to June 21): The stars will line up for you this week, and, when they do, a massive stage spotlight will shine on you revealing your deepest secret—you are really three dogs in a trench coat. Good job for keeping that one under wraps for so long, but now the jig is up. Time to find a new trench coat.
Cancer (June 22 to July 22): NO, just no. You know what you did. You’re still in time out. Come back next week to see if you finally got out of it.
Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22): No one knows just how you got your finger stuck in that pencil sharpener, but you did. Remember, what is important until BEMCo comes is to not twist your finger. Again, I am not going to stop you from doing that if you want because I am not some fortune cop, but, if you do, just know that this upcoming week will be a lot more fun if you try it. So, you pick: less fun week with your finger intact, or a more fun week with half of a pointer finger nail.
Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22): You’ve been a weird one your whole life haven’t you? You probably had the one room in your house that was not air conditioned, and you probably didn’t get a car in high school but your older brother did. I guess, next time, just be better and get born first. Funnily enough, you will meet a sage who will let you be reborn as the first-born child, but if you choose that option this week, it comes with one major flaw. You’ll be missing one toe. I cannot tell you what toe because what fun would that be if I just told you the future. But just know it’s not the one you expect to be taken from your foot.Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22): You were rightly upset last Thursday night when #BachelorNation watched Dale and Clare get engaged after all Dale did was hug Clare on the first night. Forget about the election and that jazz; you were smart enough to think about Brandon for getting sent home on the first night for not knowing anything about Clare before meeting her. Well, your dreams will be made true this week when you get into an Uber, and he is driving. It is all fun and games until he asks you about him, and when you say you just met him jokingly, he leaves you on the side of the highway. I hope the walk home in the rain was therapeutic though.
