I was sitting here at my desk just thinking about what kind of article of mine you Brandeisians would love to read in our first print for this semester. I am ashamed to admit that I was thinking about writing the cliché of how it’s a new year, new us and how we all make resolutions, how the coronavirus decided to be bigger than it already was and then made a new and deadlier variant, actually following through on its resolution, which I might add is impressive considering most white people made their resolution to be more aware of their actions and informing themselves on social justice issues but then went right back to eating at Chick-fil-A and shopping at Forever 21. So koodoos to the coronavirus for having follow through and backbone, something the Brandeis administration could have benefitted from having when they drafted their not so anti-racist anti-racism plan. 

But enough about the all-loving and caring leader of Brandeis, it’s time I talked to you guys about the real issue on my mind, the real sauce in the pasta if you know what I mean. This article is dedicated to economics majors because, for the life of me, I cannot understand how economics is a major. I have three main issues with you all, and I hope one of you cave dwelling, number crunching monsters can explain this “subject” to me.

My first issue with economics programs is that you cannot seem to define what your word means. Economic, the economy and econ for short and three words that are all over and mean different things! When you go to buy a car, most people buy an “economic” vehicle. What does that mean? Will this car do my taxes and report my earnings to the IRS for me? Does this car actively buy and sell stocks on Wall Street? Is that why smoke comes out of the tailpipe? Is it smoking a Cuban cigar back there and is rolling in money, cocaine and motor oil when I am not in it? So, economics majors, you have got to figure this stuff out. You say the economy is invisible, yet when I buy an economy ticket for a plane, everyone in first class looks at me weird. So obviously the economy is not invisible then and instead is something rich people look down on. You economics majors either need your own word or need to explicitly define the one you have because it’s too loose and open, and you need to lock that down like a Catholic mother to her daughter. 

My second grievance comes with the substance of your major. Why does economics have so many courses? You could learn all of econ in like a 47-minute vsauce video on YouTube, yet you guys insist on so many classes and weird terms. Stop saying transmission deficits and just say cost. You do not need these complicated words or these weird rules that all have exceptions. They aren’t rules if every rule has a disclaimer underneath it; it’s then just words on a page that have no real meaning. The economy will just do as it wants to like the weird anime kid in elementary school doing Naruto runs and Kamehame waves at recess. Caleb will be fine, you just need to let him be him, and he won’t weird you out. 

Then my third and final real problem with this major is that it should not be a major if 13-year-old children on reddit can change it on a dime. If my little brother, who is only 17, had absolute control over let’s say the WiFi download speeds in my house, I wouldn’t make a major deal out of it because one day it may be super high and the other it may be super low. Not because he follows rules or patterns but because it was high when he wanted to download NBA 2K21 and low when he wanted to see his family suffer over terrible Zoom meetings. That’s not a pattern, that’s being an evil genius, and when reddit of all things brings the economy to its knees through GameStop of all companies, then you know it’s time to start folding up the tent and leaving. 

In essence, economics majors, I will never understand you or your subject. It is weird and seems fake, but I guess it keeps you guys occupied and away from doing whatever bad things you guys may do like I don’t know—keeping a book from the library for too long? So, stay weird that’s all I have to say.