To acquire wisdom, one must observe

A recipe for the “perfect” mini-movie

It is not surprising that Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) would release a mini-movie considering the new food options on their menu. Buckets of grease are their specialty, both in chicken form and in Mario Lopez’s hair gel as he plays Harlan Sanders in this cluster fork of a mini-movie. This mini-movie, called “A Recipe for Seduction,” is a collaboration between KFC and Lifetime, which would explain why when watching it I felt like deep fried slime was taking an eternity to slither down my throat. Not to mention the fact that this was most likely the longest fourteen minutes of life. I know the studio was called Lifetime but I didn’t know that it was also the ticket price. So now that I have taken my cheap shots at this mini-movie, let’s entertain the idea that this film has substance and flavor—something KFC could use in their chicken buckets.

First, budget: I do not know whose chicken wing you need to suck to get a good director for a short film but considering he only has one name “Jean,” I can only assume the cost to have a director with a first and last name was too much. Mario Lopez’s hair also suffered from a disease called low budget cinema when you can clearly see where they poured what must have been a gallon of baby powder and gel into his hair to make it look gray. Like seriously KFC, you pull in two and a half billion dollars of revenue every year but you can’t afford a wig or hair dye? You cannot have a young strapping man looking like an elderly man—it does NOT work, not even on Mario Lopez.

Speaking of Mario Lopez, this is a great segue into my second grievance with this film, characters in the plot. The central issue of this film is that a family has been left destitute by their deceased father and now the daughter is being ushered to marry a wealthy young man named Billy. A man who in reality looks like a toddler on stilts who went to Vineyard Vines and bought clothes one size too small. This is the “only way” to save the family from the bank repossessing their assets, but a major plot hole opens up right away. Why doesn’t the single mother marry Billy? Like honestly, we find out later in the film that the mom is even having an affair with Billy so why not make it official and not emotionally damage your daughter forever? If you’re a MILF with a purpose, just get the job done yourself and don’t let anyone else do it—especially if you are in bed with the solution to everything. Additionally, the phrase “secret recipe” was used so many times in the script and was never even important in the plot. If you took Harlan’s “secret recipe” away, the plot would still be the same, so stop saying the stupid phrase because I swear to god if I hear it one more time, I will put my head in a KFC deep fryer. What’s worse is, knowing KFC, they probably would think my head was chicken and still sell it. 

My third issue is short but nonetheless important because in this film we did not see Harlan Sanders come to life. No, instead what we really saw was Mario Lopez playing Mario Lopez dressed as Colonel Sanders. Where was the acting? Where was the southern accent? Where was the fat belly? That is not the Harlan Sanders on the bucket, that is just Mario Lopez.

Then my fourth problem with this whole mini-movie comes from the one line, that one stupid line Sanders says in response to Billy “and don’t call me crouton.” You just watched the very attractive daughter, Jessica, get abused by Billy in the backyard as she’s giving you an estate tour. Billy then turns to you and calls you crouton, which sidebar; what kind of forking insult is that? But regardless of what Billy calls you, I would not think my first priority would be to protect my ego and say “and don’t call me crouton.” My first priority would be to slap some sense into Billy for being an entitled white boy. Jessica, the daughter, gets treated so badly in this film that I’m starting the trend #JessicaApologist because she deserves better. She deserves better than a “one year later” cut scene to her marriage, and she deserves better than having her MILF mom out to ruin her.

So, to all of you reading this and wondering where do I go from here? Do I watch it? Do I not? Just know the answer is one billion percent yes, go watch it right now, here! What are you still doing reading this article? Show your friends! Show your family! Show your lover! Show a baby who has no idea what is going on! That baby will learn more from these fourteen minutes than elementary school will ever teach them! This film is a true 10 thousand out of 10. Everything from acting to budget to script was done so poorly that it just so happened to be the best thing ever. So next time you need something to watch, consider this film because if nothing else it’s the secret recipe to curing boredom.

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