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SSIS advice column

Welcome back to the Student Sexuality Information Service (SSIS) column, where we answer any and all of Brandeis students’ questions about sex, sexuality, identity and relationships. If you have a question you’d like answered in our next column, email ssis@brandeis.edu or leave a question in the Google Form link on the Student Sexuality Information Service Facebook page. Any and all questions are welcome: there are no bad, stupid or weird questions! 

(Note: These answers are good-faith attempts by SSIS to be helpful to the Brandeis community, and are by no means exhaustive or to be taken as universal. If these answers don’t resonate with you, either pay them no mind, or reach out to us with suggestions for improvement!)

My partner and I have great sex, and I always finish, but he has more stamina than I do that sometimes he doesn’t get to. I know it’s ok to say no, and he says it’s ok that he doesn’t always get to cum, but I feel bad. How can I make sure he’s satisfied but also make sure my vagina isn’t chafed all the time?

This is a great question. While it sounds like your partner is okay with not cumming every time you both have sex, it makes sense that you want to make sure he’s satisfied! There are multiple ways that you can proceed in this sort of situation, from doing things to help yourself last longer to exploring non-penetrative sexual activities. 

If you’re looking to make penetrative sex last longer, think about experimenting with different types of lube. Also, taking a break for oral sex can do a lot to help get back in the mood. Whether you go down on him or he goes down on you (or both!), this kind of shift can increase your stamina and can also be hot, too. Taking breaks, changing positions/sexual acts and using lube are all potential ways to increase stamina. 

However, there are plenty of ways to continue being sexual without having penetrative sex be the end goal. Mutual masturbation can be a great way to be sexual together, while also helping to make sure that he comes. Since people tend to be the best at getting themselves off, this will allow you to share the experience while also increasing the chance that he comes. Another possibility is licking/sucking his balls while he touches himself; this can increase sensation while still letting him get himself off. Oral sex, hand jobs and mutual masturbation are all great ways to come while lessening the risk of chafing. 

It may also help to think about what things tend to trigger orgasm for your partner. Is there a particular phrase you can say that he’s really into? Is there a particular position that really works for him? Using your knowledge of your partner’s likes and dislikes may help in this process.

It’s great that your partner respects and values your boundaries and pleasure, and that you respect and value this! Whether he cums or not, it seems that the both of you are having a great time, which is awesome. Hopefully these tips help—if you’re looking for more suggestions, there are plenty of resources in the SSIS library that may be helpful to you. 

What type of books are in the SSIS library? Can I check the books out?

Thank you for asking! The SSIS library is made up of over 650 volumes about sexuality, gender, healthy relationships, sexual health and wellness and erotica. 

Our books range from guide books such as the “Guide to Getting it On” to erotic novels like “SMUT Vol. I.” Our library also includes photo books, like “The Little Book of Big Boobs.” We have history books that may be helpful for research purposes, for example “The Gay Almanac.” One could also find in our library a collection of DIY books for making your own sex toys! 

All of our books are available to be checked out by Brandeis community members for a period of two weeks at a time—although you can always renew books if you don’t finish them in two weeks. 
We are currently going through our selection and removing some books to make sure that the language in our books is up to date. We are also adding books that hit on topics of race, ethnicity, religion and identity to try and create a more inclusive space. Some newly added volumes include “The Body is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love;” “Radical Reproductive Justice: Foundation, Theory, Practice, Critique” and “The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability.” If you have any recommendations, please let us know and we would love to add it to our library! Feel free to follow our Instagram page @ssisbrandeis if you are interested in keeping up with our featured library books!

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