Owl horoscopes

April 30, 2021

Out of duty to my friends and you guessed it! A lack of content, I present to you all some horoscopes for the Owls on the We Wear Blue shirt. May I first commend Brandeis for getting rid of the owl as our mascot yet still using it. Good job, guys. Really teaching your students how to not be hypocrites! But without further adieu here they are:

(Disclaimer—I will be referring to them at first by their location on the shirt then I will rename them as I see fit)

Top row on the left (Keith)

You are the concerned parent of the bunch; I mean just look at those angry eyebrows! Unfortunately, you will experience a moment of true joy with your family but because—like a Botox job gone wrong—you will not be able to show your true excitement due to all your frowning, you will be forced to sit at the kids table for all future events. I hope you like sticky iPads and chewing with your mouth open!

Top row center left (Sarah) 

You are Keith’s loyal companion, and it is clear to see how similar you two are, but a horrible difference will come over you when your actual Botox injection will freeze, and you will appear to be perpetually happy. Keith will not be happy when he thinks you are not sympathetic to his familial rejection this week. So start saving for a second nest, it may come in handy.

Top row center right (Scarlett) 

Your judgmental eyes will finally meet their match at the DMV this week as both you and the overworked DMV employee will stare directly into each other’s eyes and neither will see a soul in the other.

Top row on the right (Stacy) 

You seem sweet, but this week will be majorly revealing to yourself and others around you as you start throwing Raisin Bran at C-Store employees yelling, “Two scoops? Two scoops of what? How about two scoops of these wings up your butt if you do not give me the two freaking scoops of raisins!”

Middle row on the left (Eddie) 

After reading “Into the Wild, you, an obvious book worm, just look at you, will suddenly take off just as Jack Supertramp did to find a new meaning to life! Too bad that book also didn’t give you a passion for dodging hunter’s shots.

Middle row center left (Mark) 

Mark you take too far the Ron Swanson quote, “The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.” Except, this week, it will not be beautiful for you because when you accidentally fly into an East window because you couldn’t fly higher, there will be lots of little bits of Mark all over.

Middle row center right (Toby) 

Toby, you really gross me out. I mean how do your eyes even manage to emerge from the top of your head? You are the flounder of birds in all the wrong ways, and that is why, over the course of this week, you will find that you will need specialized glasses. I am not saying your eyes will start growing out of your head, but I am not not saying that as well.

Middle row on the right (Marvin) 

Marvin, I have no idea how many drugs you are on at once to have those disturbed eyes, but inside them, I know that you are thinking that there truly is more than one way to skin a cat. But, Marvin, you will have some learning to do in the coming days as the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical for you and your wacked out eyes.

Bottom row on the left (Johansson) 

You need to stop copying Scarlett, dudette. Your face is practically the same due to all the surgeries, and I am of the opinion that you will soon be finding out that identity theft is not a joke! Nor is it a good look on you, just like those feather reconstruction surgeries. 

Bottom row center left (Kenneth) 

Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead and that’s just the way you eat wings you bird eating freak.

Bottom row center right ( Victoria) 

Although Mercury is rising in Venus this week, do not worry; this is just a mystic-sounding horoscope term. No actual planetary collision is taking place, it is really a warning to let you know that the real collision will be on I-95 this week. When you see a Mercury car and a bumper sticker saying, “In case of rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned,” don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Bottom row on the right (Brick) 

As a bird you’re not the kind of owl who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday. Although, by virtue of your name you are simultaneously perfectly ready to take in the irony of what will happen.

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