Brandeis, you may not have asked for this, you may not have wanted this but by God do you absolutely not need this. Today myself and Rachel Landis ’23 want to bring the world of stardom a little closer to this campus, and no we are not extending the Rabb Steps into space. Instead, today we want to be your version of People magazine: we want to be your terrible tabloid and we know you will love it.
As someone who studied all the teen magazines cover to cover at summer camp after stealing them from my friends (CG2 if you’re out there, sorry it was totally me), I have never felt more prepared for a task in my entire life than I do analyzing these signatures. Thomas, take it away.
- Tom Hanks
TP – Did someone say daddy? Whoops, nope, I mean did someone say America’s Dad? Because that is what this signature says right there! I mean look at how you can only make out maybe two letters in that whole signature: classic dad signature. Then look at how the “T” and “H” are so big that it is not even worth looking at the rest of the scribbles: classic dad signature. This signature really shows how much Tom Hanks cares about America; he works hard to entertain us and make sure we feel protected. That is what the big top of the T is for! It is a shield of course. But the most important part of this signature is that you can tell in that last squiggle that it means “I won’t shoot anyone on set with a prop gun.” Tom Hanks, you’re not just a dad—you truly are America’s dad.
RL – The way Tom Hanks signs his name can really tell you a lot about him! Like from the way the top line of his “T” covers the entire span of the signature, I can tell that he’s absolutely exhausted by how many fans greet him with “Run, Forrest, run!” The odd dash between the “T” and “H” that doesn’t seem to represent any particular letters is a surefire sign that you’re actually the only one who thinks about Tom Hanks like that. Or alternately, you’re the only one who doesn’t. Whichever makes you more uncomfortable. The most telltale part of the signature, though, is the little loop between the cross-line of the “H” leading into the scribble, which clearly says “Marry my son Chet. Come on, it’ll be worth it to be my child-in-law right? Please, he’s living on our couch and eating all my Takis.”
- Mark Zukerberg
TP – Mark Zuckerberg. Tsk tsk tsk. Just because you make your new platform called “Meta” does not mean that you are. You are not meta, you are metal, because holy sh*t dude. What is the number one rule of trying to convince people that you are not a robot? Well that rule is do not destroy American democracy, but you already broke that one, Mark! What is rule number two? Do not give anyone any more reason to suspect that you are a robot! So why? Why sign your name like that? The “MR ZG” really shows that inside your brain is trying to act cool but is not at all. Like when awkward Brandeis guys try to ask girls out but then just say some horribly degrading comments and then run away with their tail between their legs. I mean, this signature really just screams to me “I am not human.” So Mark, either “give us the Zuck” or prove you aren’t a robot man!
RL – The fact that this signature is only four letters out of a ten letter name already tells us so much about Mark Zuckerberg. The fact that he shortens his name so intensely definitely lets us know that he’s trying to build confidence for the other parts of himself that… ahem… fall a little short, if you know what I’m saying. The “MR,” while on the surface standing for two of the four letters out of “Mark,” is really a subconscious grab for the respect and authority he felt he deserved but was never shown during his time at Harvard University. The most unique thing about Zuckerberg’s signature is how some of his upstrokes are thicker than his downstrokes, which really shows that he’s trying to communicate to us that “The Social Network” was actually a better portrayal of him than the truth. Oh dear, someone better call Aaron Sorkin for a sequel… working title: “Meta Mark.”
- Blake Lively
TP – What is not to love about someone’s signature that is only one letter? The condescending fact that they think you should know whose signature it is from the single letter? Well Blake—can I call you that?—Blake, listen to me, when I see this “B,” and particularly the little hop you did with your pen before even getting to the “B,” it really shows the mess you have been through film-wise. I mean what even was “The Shallows,” Blake? Your signature looks like the shark fins and we haven’t even gotten to the “B” yet. But on that note, your “B,” with its ornateness, showcases how proud you are of your family. Which is good but the little circle at the top shows how much you like rubbing it in other people’s faces that your husband is a man most men would cheat on their wives with.
RL – The way Blake Lively curves her “B” really screams “I’m so close with Taylor Swift she takes my kids trick-or-treating. How does that make you feel about your life right now?” The crook at the end of her scribble after the “B,” seemingly the only letter in her signature at all, is there to remind you that she hasn’t only taken roles in bad movies, like “The Age of Adaline” and “Green Lantern,” but that she’s also taken roles in really bad movies, like “All I See is You” and “A Simple Favor.” The way the point between the two bumps on her “B” is almost perfectly perpendicular to the line it meets tells us that she’s in need of a new agent immediately, and all may apply. Most peculiarly, the little curve that bounces off the back end of her “B” tells us that she really does want to be included in the “Gossip Girl” reboot after all. The more you know!
- Adam Levine
TP – Adam Levine’s signature is all wrapped up in those interlocked circles—reminds me of his career in a way: all wrapped up. I mean Adam, you literally pushed a stage rusher away and was upset that they came up to you (I mean the leftward extending line totally shows how you push affection from fans away) but come on man. Take the love you can get because we do not know how much more you have left. But as for the rest of the signature, the circular pattern of it emphasizes how circular his career is since the fans are just whatever group of middle schoolers exist at the moment who think they know what love is. Maybe they are attracted to his pitchy voice though (made evident by the random squiggle over the line) as they navigate puberty and deeper voices.
RL – Adam Levine’s signature is so expressive! The two circles tell us the two sentences he’s most used to hearing from his grandmother: “I’m so happy your music career is going well, but are you sure you wouldn’t rather be a doctor like your brother Joshua?” and “I don’t understand why you had to get all those tattoos!” The line leading off of the circles of his signatures tells us he frequently asks himself when he can leave behind Maroon 5 and start his solo career, while the dot just above that line is him reminding himself that Maroon 5 basically is his solo career. Most fascinatingly, the little that hangs just outside of the main part of his signature is a clear signal that he’s looking for a nice girl who’s ready to curl up on the couch and watch some movies with him. Oh wait, he’s what? Married? Well, sh*t then, I guess we can’t use that stock line for this one.