Ask any baker who’s been in the Bake Off tent, and they all say the same thing: Bread Week is terrifying. Paul Hollywood is the undisputed Bread King of the UK. The Lord of Loaves, the Despot of Dough, the Baron of Brea—ok, I’ll stop now. But hey, my jokes are still better than what Noel and Matt have been coming up with recently. I am, however, mollified by the fact that Noel’s sweater is absolutely phenomenal. Noel Sweater Watch is becoming a highlight of my week.
As the bakers march into the tent, we are informed that Rebs and Abdul are both out sick. A clever move from both of them, dodging one of the scariest and most taxing weeks, and in the case of Rebs, no doubt dodging elimination. From this moment on, it is eminently obvious that nobody will be going home this week (every time someone has been out sick with intent to return, it’s been a non-elimination week). But production has already invested in this episode, so the cameras roll and bread is baked.
Or is it? For Bread Week, this episode was sorely lacking in bread. The signature bake is pizza. Pizza has been done before on Bake Off, in Italian Week (on a side note, Bread Week has clearly been on an Italian kick recently—last year we had focaccia and ciabatta breadsticks), and yes, pizza is technically a bread dough, but it’s not enough. I want doughy drama! I want Paul Hollywood poking and prodding at underbaked loaves! I don’t want the judges to be focusing more on the pizza toppings (which require no baking) than the bread dough itself!
Alas, the Bake Off production team ignores my wishes and we plow on with the pizzas anyway. Syabira gets off to a rough start, having to remake her beet sourdough starter. Luckily, she makes it out the other side okay, with an absolutely delicious Malaysian prawn pizza. James risks controversy with pineapple on pizza (with pancetta for a “modern” touch). Sandro is going for pineapple too, on a heart shaped pizza “to add some love to it.” In case it wasn’t clear before, I LOVE SANDRO. The fruity flavors continue with Kevin’s “bring me some figgy pizza” which has, you guessed it, figs. “Figs have the Prue approval,” he says conspiratorially to the camera. “A-Prue-val.” Ba-dum-tss. Meanwhile, Janusz is putting a whole fried egg on the center of his pizza. As a great lover of fried eggs, I approve. During judging, most people do an acceptable but not phenomenal job, with the exception of Sandro, whose pizza is deemed “ingenious,” and Carole, whose gruyere, pancetta and potato pizza is an absolute disaster.
With a disappointingly bread-free signature, we move on to the technical. It is… pain au raisin, a viennoiserie treat of hotel brunches everywhere. Viennoiserie is an umbrella term for yeasted breakfast pastries—danishes, cinnamon rolls and the like. We’ve seen them on Bake Off before, but usually for pastry week or patisserie week. Not for bread week. What is this bread-averse bread-themed episode I am viewing? Why am I watching bakers bash butter on bread week? Why? WHY? Even Prue notices this, with her blunt assessment: “That’s not bread.”
Carole accidentally batch-bakes and underbakes her pastries and comes last, and Kevin’s underproved ones come seventh. Maxy defies the curse of the Star Baker with second, and Janusz comes first (beautiful color, great flake and great flavor). He can barely believe he’s gotten first in technical on bread week, because “bread has a mind of its own.” I’ll give you a hint, Janusz. It’s because you weren’t making bread during the bread week technical.
Going into day two, Carole is looking so doomed I’m beginning to suspect that production will break their no-elimination rule and give her the boot anyway. The showstopper challenge is Smörgåstårta. Say that five times fast. What is a Smörgåstårta, you ask? Why is it capitalized, you ask? To the second question, I don’t know. It’s how it was written in the episode summary, so I assume it’s right. To the first question, a Smörgåstårta is a Swedish bread-cake. Yes, a bread-cake. Layers of bread, sandwiched with savory filling and covered in savory frosting. It’s like a cake with all the calories and none of the sugar rush. And yes, the Smörgåstårta is technically bread, but it’s so cake-ified I’m not sure this counts. I want LOAVES. Is that too much to ask?
Maxy is Swedish, so she ought to have an advantage. Her final product, however, looks like an arugula-themed art project gone wrong. Carole makes a surprisingly respectable fish Smörgåstårta, while Dawn’s Greek-themed experiment with ancient wheat fails to pay off due to a lack of coriander. Janusz wows with a fish and chip themed Smörgåstårta (“it’s a very particular British thing” he says sagely) despite Prue thinking it sounds “completely mad.” Syabira overcomes some mousse troubles to make another fantastic bake with Malaysian flavors. And Sandro makes what appears to be a wedding cake with the flavors of hangover food.
In the judge’s pavilion, Paul and Prue claim that Carole has saved herself (debatable). Dawn, meanwhile, has slipped, as has Kevin. Clearly, nobody is going home this week—this edit is all too familiar. Star Baker is once again a toss-up between Syabira and Janusz, and once again, it goes to Janusz. This rivalry is giving shades of David and Steph from Season 10, and I for one am here for it. Going home is… nobody!! And absolutely nobody is surprised.
Next time, it’s Mexican Week! The Great British Bake Off taking on a non-European theme? What could go wrong? *laughs in Japanese week* I’m mildly terrified of the offensive challenges and jokes that may be coming. Will Syabira get Star Baker? Will Rebs finally go home? Will Noel’s sweater fashion reach new highs as his jokes reach new lows? Keep reading to find out.
