If there’s one thing all Brandeis students have in common, it’s that we all have strong opinions on Harvest Table. I am no exception, and today I will be discussing one of my biggest Harvest Table pet peeves—why is the quality of desserts so inconsistent?

I mean seriously. One day, the dining halls put out all the good desserts at once, and another day, there’s barely anything. As a college student, I appreciate a small portion of processed sugar per day to keep my brain going, and therefore the days that lack good desserts are very sad for me. On the off-chance that someone from Harvest Table reads this article, I am compiling a ranking of this semester’s dining hall desserts, from my least favorite to my favorite.

#18: Nothing – When I say nothing, I mean when there is nothing for dessert. Last Sunday, at Sherm during dinner, there were zero desserts. Zero! Not even ice cream. And the dessert section was completely bare. Considering how much students are charged for meal plans, Harvest Table should at least have the decency to provide enough desserts for two meals per day. Look, some of the desserts aren’t particularly good, but it’s better than literally nothing.

#17: Rice crispy treats – I am simply not a fan of rice crispy treats. But the dining hall ones are particularly bad. To start with, why do they often have fruit loops in them? That’s bizarre. Secondly, they always manage to be dry and chalky. I don’t know how you achieve chalkiness with a rice crispy treat, but somehow, the dining halls have achieved it. Also, the rice crispy treats generally taste like nothing. You might as well not have dessert at all.

#16: Cookies – On a bad dessert day, the only option is usually the Harvest Table cookie selection. Usually featuring chocolate chip, oatmeal raison, and double chocolate. It sounds good in theory, but there are a couple issues. Firstly, these cookies are just really boring. Brandeis provides them at nearly every event involving food, from panel discussions to mixers to the dining halls. If you like them now, you’ll be sick of them before the semester is out. Secondly, all of these cookies have a slight chemical note to them that leads me to believe I may be ingesting poison. Finally, they always taste just a little bit stale. You know what, I’ll just say it. They’re mediocre cookies. You could even make an argument for bad cookies. The only thing they’ve got going for them is that they’re allergy-friendly.

#16: The bad brownies – You know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when the dining hall brownies are so sticky they’re literally stuck to the serving tray and all you can do is struggle with the tongs as you try to wrench something more than crumbs onto your plate. Also, the bad brownies taste bad. They’re bad. End of.

#15: Custard pie – I like the idea of the custard pies in theory. And they usually taste good. However, the actual pie crust is always fused to the tin foil container, making them impossible to eat. It’s basically just a pudding cup inside an edible bowl. And the edible bowl is gross. Plus, there is usually not enough filling. It’s generally just a spoonful of custard with some sort of fruit sauce plonked on top. However, it does taste good, which is something.

#14: Crumb loaf – I don’t really know what to name this, but it’s that loaf cake thing with a bit of cinnamon and a crumb top. The pros: it tastes good, the whole thing is edible, and it’s not too messy. The cons: I think there’s supposed to be a cinnamon swirl in this, but it is barely there. It’s less a swirl and more a sprinkling. Also, this cake is usually really dry. And it’s served at breakfast as well as at the dessert section, leading me to wonder what category this thing actually falls in. Is it a breakfast pastry? A dessert? Some unholy mutation of the two? I honestly can’t say.

#13: Pudding cups – I find these so strange. It’s a plastic cup, the type you normally drink out of on the kosher side of Sherm, and they’re filled with what appears to be boxed pudding. Yay? I enjoy the chocolate one, but all the others are sickly sweet and pretty disgusting. Also, the serving size is absurdly large for no justifiable reason. The addition of the whipped cream is a nice touch, and I do appreciate the novelty of them. However, whenever I eat them I can’t help but think I’m clogging up my arteries beyond all recognition.

#12: Pumpkin loaf – During the fall semester, it’s always a good day when the dining hall is serving a pumpkin dessert. However, this pumpkin loaf is by far the weakest of the bunch. Why? Because it is so, incredibly, awfully dry. Like, sawdust level dry. However, it does taste good, and it’s pumpkin, so I still like it in spite of myself. But yeah, not Harvest Table’s best work.

#11: The various crumbles – I wasn’t sure how to separate the various vanilla cake/fruit/crumble desserts that Harvest Table produces, so I’ve lumped them together. Some are better than others. The peach one is horrifying, the berry one is actually pretty good. But they get points for not being too dry. Just a little dry. And the crumble topping is usually pretty good. However, the portion sizes for these are tiny. Like two bites. I can accept that for a fancy restaurant dessert, but these are the Brandeis dining halls. Give us four bites. At least. 

#10: Non-chocolate cake – I am a big chocolate fan. Chocolate covers a multitude of sins. When the dining hall serves cake that is not chocolate, those sins (dryness, chemical notes, weird flavor combinations) are not covered. I do think the banana cake is quite fun, and the confetti cake is at least cool-looking. The plain vanilla cake is embarrassing. But the cakes are the first flour-based dessert on this list that are actually not dry at all! Hurrah!

#9: Non-chocolate cupcakes – Everything I said about cake stands for cupcakes. However, cupcakes are more fun than cake. Therefore, these rank higher. I do want to shout out the Boston cream cupcakes. I enjoy the custard filling, but why is there always condensation on the chocolate topping? They would rank much higher if this wasn’t an issue.

#8: Red velvet whoopie pies – I recognize that objectively, these probably deserve a higher spot on this ranking. My issue is that I just don’t like red velvet. And it is, you guessed it, a bit dry. However, the mini whoopie pie idea is just so fun. They taste good (for red velvet). The frosting is surprisingly excellent. And they’re just so cute! Portion size is an issue again but it looks a lot more normal to take two of these. Generally good, just not to my taste.

#7: Chocolate cupcakes – Yay chocolate! I am a big fan of the chocolate cupcakes, especially the milk chocolate frosting that Harvest Table sometimes uses. However, there are a couple of problems. Most notably, the chemical tang that still invades the flavor of these cupcakes. I do not want to taste whatever ungodly preservatives Harvest Table puts in these things. I just want to taste the chocolate. Therefore, we need more chocolate. Always more chocolate.

#6: Cocoa puffs with chocolate milk – Speaking of more chocolate, this dessert is my proudest invention. I discovered the possibility of cocoa puffs with chocolate milk during my first finals season, and never looked back. On the days the dining hall isn’t serving actual desserts, you can make this and have an excellent chocolate soup. This dessert tastes good, is interesting to eat, and is a reliable friend when the dining hall betrays you. And if there isn’t any chocolate milk, you can do a bit of DIY with regular milk and the chocolate syrup at the waffle station. The only problem with this dessert is it does take more work than the others.

#5: Ice cream – Shout out to the Sherman ice cream, particularly the coffee oreo flavor, which I love. Now there’s nothing bad about the ice cream itself. It’s actually very good. The problem is the fact that the line to get to the ice cream is usually very long, it’s so frozen that it’s impossible to scoop out of the tubs, the generally disgustingness of the Sherman ice cream scoop and the fact that there are never enough bowls or spoons. But there is no true flaw with the flavor of the ice cream itself. If it wasn’t for the logistical problems, ice cream would rank first on this list.

#4: The good brownies – Good brownie days are good days. These brownies are nice and fudgy, a proper serving size (not too big, not too small) and are reliable. Plus they are chocolate! The dining hall brownies are hit or miss but if you catch them on a good day it’s a great dessert option.

#3: Chocolate mousse cake – I love this cake! It’s neither dry nor chemically. And the mousse filling is an inspired choice. The dining halls have been serving this more frequently and I for one am all for it. Plus the sprinkles on top are fun. It is always a good day when the dining halls are serving this cake.

#2: Pumpkin whoopie pies – I know that these would rank first for a lot of people. I have witnessed some students inhale six of these in one sitting. However, they rank second and not first because there is not enough frosting, and the frosting is amazing. But I really don’t have many bad things to say about these. The pumpkin flavor is great. The frosting is great (even if there isn’t enough of it). They’re very fun and seasonal. Overall, they’re definitely one of Harvest Table’s best dessert offerings.

#1: Pumpkin cupcakes – These are basically the pumpkin whoopie pies in cupcake form, but they deliver one very important thing—more frosting! Plus they are so cute. I’m sad that they’ll only be served during pumpkin spice season instead of year-round, because they are absolutely fantastic. If the dining hall is serving these, I will definitely grab dessert first so I can snag a few before they run out.