The holiday season can only mean one thing: new “Bake Off!” More specifically, the Christmas and New Years specials. These specials always feature old bakers, usually four, who return to the tent and bake their way through three festive challenges. The winner gets a cake plate, as is “Bake Off” tradition.
Now, these episodes are not available on Netflix, which releases holiday specials a year behind the UK. Technically, to watch these episodes, you need a VPN. I will also tell you that I did not watch them with a VPN. Do with that what you will.
‘Bake Off’ kicked off its festive season with “The Great Christmas Bake Off.” We have six bakers rather than the usual four, the gimmick being that we have one from each Channel 4 season. It actually seems as though “Bake Off” can no longer reference the BBC years at all. When Noel references “the ghost of Bake Off past,” he adds “and I’m not talking about Sandi Toksvig,” referring to his old co-host from 2017-2019. However, he does not reference Mary Berry, Sue Perkins or Mel Giedroyk, who are the true ghosts of ‘Bake Off’ past.
The six bakers competing for the Christmas ‘Bake Off’ crown are the disastrous and pink-haired Carole (or Compost Carole) from Series 13, chaotic Greek-Cypriot George from Series 12, down to Earth grandma Linda from Series 11, Yorkshire lass Amelia from Series 10, Dan (more on him in a bit) from Series 9 and Series 9 winner Sophie, an unflappable army veteran. Now, I have to root for Dan, mostly because I’ve taken baking classes with him before and listen to a ‘Bake Off’ recap podcast featuring him. Dan is the self-professed Kurt Cobain of ‘Bake Off,’ in that he flew high for a brief moment before crashing in spectacular fashion. He was also the first person to receive three Hollywood handshakes. That being said, I also want Sophie to win, because as a former winner, she kind of has to.
The Christmas signature challenge is mince pies. More specifically, twelve mince pies with fillings flavored with “festive memories attached.” A mince pie is a uniquely British Christmas dessert. They are handheld pies filled with a sweet, sticky and spiced fruit mixture known as mincemeat. They are actually quite good.
Before getting into what everyone is making, I want to touch on the outfits of this episode. I mainly want to discuss Prue’s sweater, which has “good vibes” written in the middle of a psychedelic rainbow. It looks like a too-large child’s sweater. Outside, she is wearing a pink beret, which is very bold. Allison is in a sequined star pantsuit and Noel’s sweater says “fairy-tale of New York.” Choices all around!
Anyway, back to the baking. The most popular flavor choice is cherry and almond, which Dan, George and Sophie are using. Dan is decorating his pies with cartoon-style cherry shaped biscuits. George is decorating with fondant gingerbread men, and Sophie’s are skiing themed, with more fondant decorations. Carole is making mincemeat with tropical fruit. Amelia is making a spiced panetonne flavored pastry with an apple filling. Linda is sticking with traditional flavors but her pies are decorated with massive marshmallow snowmen.
The big challenge of mince pies is working the shortcrust pastry just the right amount. If the pastry is underworked, it will be too crumbly and the pies will collapse when unmolded. If it is overworked it will be like rubber. The drama comes with the unmolding. Linda and George both discover their pastry is underworked and too short. Linda shoves her pies in the fridge hoping that will solve the problem, which it mostly does. George, in a beautiful “fuck it” moment, turns his muffin tin upside-down and wiggles his (slightly broken) mince pies out. George’s pies are then used by Allison to give Sophie a pep talk. Come on, Allison. Be nice.
Time for the first Christmas judging! Linda’s snowmen are deemed “exquisite” and her flavors are good, but her pastry is far too short. Sophie’s pies are gorgeous, and taste amazing. George’s pastry is also far too short, but his gingerbread men decorations are cut and the flavors are beautiful. Dan’s pies look excellent, and his pastry is great, but unfortunately his filling is overwhelmed by the flavor of cherry liqueur. Amelia’s pies look “rough and ready” with thick pastry, but her flavors work. And Carole, who was never known for her finesse, has made suprisingly neat mince pies with a lovely filling. Nearly all the bakers are thrilled with their results, but Dan is quite put out. “I’m gutted,” he moans. “They just didn’t like the flavors.”
And now, for the technical. After an overlong bit about how Paul is “sexy Santa,” the technical challenge is announced to be “an intricately shaped cinnamon snowflake bread.” Basically, a cinnamon babka that converted to Christianity and became a large ornament. The actual snowflake shape is achieved by layering circles of the bread dough and cinnamon filling, segmenting it, then twisting and pinching the segments together.
All the bakers make the dough with no problem. As the dough proves, Sophie and Allison have a bit of a girls’ chat. Sophie is single, and Allison wants to help her find someone. Allison suggests a fellow baker, and Sophie writes off Dan, saying “he’s gay. And married.” Allison moves on to suggesting a cameraman, and Sophie starts flirting with the camera. Fun times!
And then, the dreaded shaping. George abandons rolling out circles of dough, and instead rolls squares and cuts off excess. Bad idea, George! Your loaf will be too small. During shaping, George stares down at his loaf and moans “I don’t know. I’ve lost the will to live.” What a relatable king. Carole is bamboozled by the shaping, and does pretty much everything wrong. Everyone else does pretty well. “The technique is a twist, a twist and a pinch” Amelia says. “If it looks like a vagina, you’ve done it right.” Dan (the gay and married one) responds with “I’ve never seen a vagina. Sorry.”
After a second prove, all the loaves go into the oven. It appears like the bakers were given enough time, because they all come out looking nice and golden. After a quick dusting of icing sugar, the “snowflake breads” are taken up for judging.
In last place is Carole, whose shaping is all over the place, but still produced decent bread. George is fifth (too small), fourth is Linda (a little overbaked), and third is Amelia (good, but not good enough). Dan gets second (absolutely delicious) and first is Sophie (consistent, well-risen, and tastes great). At this point, Sophie is solidly out in front but everyone is making a decent showing of it, which is lovely to see in a Christmas special.
The showstopper challenge is a celebration cake inspired by the bake/week that has haunted each baker ever since leaving the tent. Essentially, a redemption bake. This is a challenge steeped in ‘Bake Off’ lore, and I’m obsessed.
Dan is basing his showstopper off of his melting spice cake from Spice Week. I was hoping he would go with the raw pastry fish that sent him home, but maybe he wants to leave that in the past. His new cake is flavored with spiced pear and decorated with a chocolate collar. Carole’s cake is ginger and plum flavored, inspired by her failed steamed puddings, plus biscuit decorations in honor of her awful biscuit week. Sophie never really struggled in the tent, but she hated making bread, so she’s making a chocolate, hazelnut and spiced pear loaf to surround an elaborate layered honey cake.
Meanwhile, George is redeeming his terrible mini-rolls with a vertical ginger swiss roll topped with a spiced apple cake. He’s so stressed that Allison feels the need to powder him off (literally, she has a powder compact in her bra). Linda is redeeming her awful pineapple upside-down cakes and eclairs with a layered cake surrounded by choux swans. And Amelia is redeeming her underbaked and melted biscuit bars with a pistachio, orange and chocolate cake.
Everyone is multitasking like a maniac, but everything seems okay until George attempts an Italian meringue buttercream. It’s too soupy (which means he added butter while the meringue was too warm) and that causes his whole cake to start slipping and sliding. His cake looks a bit like a metaphor for global warming. “It’s carnage,” he says. “It’s out of order.” He makes a speedy American buttercream, and his cake is so ugly that Allison can’t stop laughing. By some miracle, his emergency buttercream saves the day and he produces a cake that looks half-decent.
In judging, George’s cake tastes so good that Paul deems him “the flavor king,” even if the cake is a bit wonky. Carole’s cake is quite impressive but the plums don’t carry enough flavor. Linda has redeemed her choux pastry, and while her cake is a little messy, it tastes great. Amelia’s piping is a little sloppy but she has a perfect balance of flavors. Dan’s cake looks and tastes gorgeous, with a beautiful chocolate collar and perfect macarons. Sophie’s cake is shaped like a candle, which is very cool. Alas, her bread is overbaked so it’s not a full redemption, but her cake is insanely good.
In the judging pavilion, Sophie is up for Star Baker, as is Dan, since his perfect showstopper put him into contention. All the bakers know exactly who’s in the running, but everyone is happy, especially George. Like a finale, everyone’s family and friends are here (plus a choir, for some reason). And the winner is … Sophie! Yeah, that makes sense. She was the best baker overall, and she can add a second winner’s cake plate to her collection. “And this time I won’t tweet it,” Prue says as she hugs Sophie. If you know, you know.
Next time: New Year’s Bake Off! Featuring Mark, Maggie, Maxy and one of my all-time favorite Bake Off contestants, Jürgen. Who will be the first Star Baker of 2024? Keep reading to find out.
