To acquire wisdom, one must observe

Ten movies to watch on a first date if you want to be single forever

There’s few things quite as exciting or nerve wracking as a first date. They’re your chance to make a good impression or an … interesting one. I’ve done my time on plenty of first dates myself, and they have ranged from incredibly fun (spontaneously climbing a tree together and having our first kiss among the branches) to downright painful (a guy wouldn’t let me walk through Boston without guiding me around by the shoulders like I was five. I’m clumsy, but not that clumsy). One classic first date is a movie night, and picking the perfect movie can be crucial. You want to impress your date with your impeccable taste and get that all important second date. Now, I fear I cannot tell you what the ideal first date movie is because I have very, very concerning taste in film. However, I certainly can tell you what not to choose. Stay clear of these 10 films if you don’t want your date to tragically, mysteriously lose your number. Now, if you do want to be single forever as my title promises, go ahead! Of course, not all people will be put off by these movies, and I did once make someone watch “It Follows” (if you know, you know) with me on a first date, but I figure that it’s better to be safe than sorry!

1.“Gone Girl” (2014)

I love “Gone Girl,” and I feel no shame in admitting that. At one point in my life, I knew the “cool girl” monologue by heart. However, this one will probably scare off your date, especially if you make it clear just how much you are rooting for Amy (I support women’s rights and women’s wrongs). The tale of a woman framing her douchebag husband for her murder and ruining his life may be the perfect movie to watch with your friends, but when your date watches you pound your fist in the air when Nick is arrested, they may be … slightly concerned. 

2. “Closer” (2004)

This is the story of two couples who constantly cheat on each other, break up and cause endless drama. These are four incredibly toxic, pathetic, self destructive people, and they will not inspire any belief in the goodness of humanity or in love. If you want to make your date think about all of the ways that your relationship could implode, this is the movie for you. If you would prefer to have a pleasant date, maybe not. 

3. “Salò or 120 Days of Sodom” (1975)

Okay, if you would even consider for a moment choosing this one for your first date, I am scared of you. Please seek immediate help. I cannot even describe the plot of this movie in The Hoot, nor should I. Just read the title of the film and imagine the most horrifying, disturbing, messed up movie you possibly can. It’s worse than what you pictured. Honestly, don’t watch this movie with anyone else, unless you really hate them. It has its place in film history, but if you watch it with a date, that relationship will also be history. 

4. “Fatal Attraction” (1987)

Look Dan, if you don’t want a bunny-boiling stalker, maybe don’t cheat on your wife? This is the tale of Dan, a man who has an affair with a woman named Alex. When he tries to end things with her, she begins psychologically torturing and stalking him. I think that this movie is incredibly misogynistic, and I hate Adrien Lyne as a director (also see his version of “Lolita,” one of the worst cases of misinterpreting the point of a story that I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing). So not only is this movie awful, but it will definitely begin your relationship on a sour note due to its content. 

5. “Joker” (2019)

This movie tells the villain origin story of the famous Batman villain, The Joker. I was actually taken on a first date to see ‘Joker’ when I was 15. Unfortunately, I did continue to date the person who took me. In my defense, I thought I was very cool and edgy. In reality, I was actually just incredibly lonely and incredibly 15. Plus, my date had a truck, and I couldn’t drive. 

6. “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” (1966)

This is such a brilliant movie! The four characters in this movie are acted to perfection, and this is definitely my favorite of Elizabeth Taylor’s performances. However, a major part of the brilliance of this movie is its ability to make your skin crawl, and that is probably not the energy you want to bring to a first date. It is another movie about two toxic couples, and it centers on the worst dinner party of all time. After watching this movie, you may want to be single for a very long time.

7. “Antichrist” (2009)

I have very mixed feelings about Lars von Trier’s work, but that aside, this is a disastrous choice for any first date. This is a horror movie about a couple whose son dies while the couple is having sex. They leave their home to stay in a cabin, and both partners descend into complete madness with a lot of body horror along the way. One scene that will certainly stick with your date is when the woman gives the man a handjob until he ejaculates blood. The woman also cuts off her own clitrois, so it’s fun for everyone. Romantic, right?

8. “Blue Velvet” (1986)

I recently watched this movie, and I loved it, but if you don’t want your date to think you are going to kill them in their sleep, I wouldn’t recommend it. There’s a lot of sexual assault, and it mainly involves a character named Frank who has split personalities known as “Baby” and “Daddy” that resulted from his own childhood trauma. There’s also that one scene with the gas tank. If you know, you know. David Lynch for a first date is not the move, sorry to break it to you, fellow film nerds. 

9. “Midsommar” (2019)

A movie that will have you rooting for the protagonist to join a cult and kill her boyfriend. You will seem like a walking red flag, and maybe you are. I certainly am. Loooook, I know that what she does to Christian is objectively disproportionate and wrong, but Dani is so put upon and also played by Florence Pugh, so I have decided that I can fix her. I’m different, guys. Also, Florence, please call me. 

10. “A Boy and His Dog” (1975)

This is a more obscure film from the 70s, but I am including it here because my friend’s dad actually took her mom to this movie early on when they were first seeing each other. Much to both of their surprises and horrors, the movie was about a teenage boy and his telepathic dog exploring an apocalyptic wasteland while the dog finds women for the boy to assault. Her mom was understandably horrified. Yes, I am also shocked that my friend was born. 

That ends my sage advice! And honestly, don’t stress too much about that first date. After all, no one can do worse than a guy who took his new girlfriend to a movie about a talking dog who is also a sexual predator, and those two are still married to this day! 

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