SSIS advice column

September 20, 2019

Welcome back to the SSIS column, where we answer any and all of Brandeis students’ questions about sex, sexuality, identity and relationships. If you have a question you’d like answered in our next column, email or leave a question in the Google Form link on the Student Sexuality Information Service Facebook page. Any and all questions are welcome: there are no bad, stupid or weird questions! 

(Note: These answers are good-faith attempts by SSIS to be helpful to the Brandeis community, and are by no means exhaustive or to be taken as universal. If these answers don’t resonate with you, either pay them no mind or reach out to us with suggestions for improvement!)

“I haven’t been as excited to give my partner blow jobs recently, but I don’t want him to think I’m not interested in our relationship anymore. What should I do?”

Thanks for opening up about this. It seems like recultivating your desire to give your partner blow jobs is important to you. In order to do this, it can be helpful to think about why you’ve lost your excitement. Has the experience become less enjoyable for you? As far as actual strategies for making the experience more enjoyable for you, there are a few things you could do depending on what is causing your lack of excitement. If taste is something that is making the experience less enjoyable for you than it could be, you could consider trying flavored lube. We sell many different flavors of water-based lube at SSIS from blue raspberry to pina colada. Similar to this, we also sell flavored condoms in the office, with options including mint chocolate chip, chocolate strawberry and island punch. 

Do you feel a repetitive routine is what’s making you less enthusiastic? Some people find experimenting with new techniques can not only make them more excited but also cause their partner to have an increase in pleasure, which can be super motivating! One possible technique could include changing up the position. Some example positions could include having your partner lie down on their back and you could rest on your hands and knees between his legs. Perhaps your partner could stand and you could kneel on the floor, or you could try sitting up with your back against the headboard of the bed and your partner could straddle you on his knees. If you are interested, there are also positions that would allow your partner to reciprocate either manual or oral sex while you are giving him a blowjob. Other forms of techniques include temperature play (you could try giving him a blowjob with an ice cube in your mouth), teasing your partner or tying your partner up or using blindfolds. There are tons of resources for blow job techniques online but also feel free to browse the technique section of our library in the SSIS office. Hopefully, this was helpful to you. And keep in mind that if you are having a pleasurable time, you partner will have a better time too.

In addition to working through this on your own, do you think you’d feel comfortable talking to your partner about this? Communicating how you are feeling might illustrate to him that you are very interested in him, even though you are enjoying this one physical aspect of your relationship less than you usually do. Conversations like these can be difficult to have, but your partner may not know you are less interested in giving him blow jobs and may even want to figure out ways to make the experience more enjoyable or exciting for you, or even experiment with other ways of pleasuring him that do not include blowjobs. That said, deciding to disclose that information to him is totally up to you.

“I’m interested in experimenting with bondage, but I’m kind of scared to run into anyone at the sex store . . . or even have to explain what I’m doing there in the first place. Any advice?”

Thank you for your question! It seems like you want the freedom to experiment with bondage but also maintain your privacy. This is a totally valid concern and actually more common than you might think. Luckily, there are a few ways you could get access to materials to experiment with, without having to risk running into someone you know at a store. 

Let’s start with the nonphysical aspect of experimentation. A huge aspect of experimentation is just figuring out what your options are and how you feel about the prospect of trying them. This can be done in private through research online or with books. We have some books in our library that anyone can check out confidentially, such as Jay Wiseman’s Erotic Bondage Handbook. Using these resources can allow you to explore what you’re interested in, as well as reflect on your boundaries and how you might communicate them in a bondage scenario, which is so important for safety. One fun way we often suggest to do this is to make yourself a “Want, Will, Won’t, What?” list. What are the things you absolutely want to do, things you’d be willing to try but aren’t necessarily super excited about, things that are past your boundaries and things you want to learn more about, respectively?Once you have an idea about your interests you could try browsing online stores. Some we recommend are Good Vibrations, Pleasure Chest or Wild Flower. Just type the word “bondage” into the search bar of the website, and you’ll be able to browse all their products from bondage rope to blind folds to bed restraints and much more. The stores above should have any of the types of products you’d see in store, and you can purchase them without having to enter a physical store. If for any reason you are unable to purchase products with a credit card or online, doing research as well as browsing online beforehand can greatly reduce store time even if you decide to go in person because you’ll already know what kinds of products you want!

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