Sksksksk, fellow VSCO girls! I have just “ooped” into another rant (if I used that incorrectly, blame my mother for birthing me). Get ready to fill your Hydro Flasks with sugar and your tummies with joy as we continue this caloric cavalcade. 

You know the deal: I’ve got opinions, and you’ve got eyes. Let’s do this:

Seasonal desserts

• Pumpkin Whoopie Pie: Replacing the chocolate cakes with pumpkin ones only detracts from the ratio of flavors, which is really the only thing the “OG” had going for it. 5/10
• Pumpkin Bar: Your best bet for getting your seasonal “pumpkin fix,” these bars do not look like much but are in fact pretty flavorful. For anyone who likes pumpkin pie and wishes that the dining halls served that, this is a suitable replacement. 7/10

In honor of the fall season, I wore a fun, fall-themed sweater when I wrote this section. You’ve gotta trust me on this one, but I swear it’s true.

Brownies

• Chocolate chip brownie: This item is often hailed as one of the best desserts offered on campus, but I find them painfully mediocre. I would never turn one down, but I am not liable to go out of my way to pick one. Decent texture and taste make this classic enjoyable but nothing special. This is a good “gateway dessert” for those generally afraid of the culinary category. 5/10
• Blondie: I have always been a big proponent of taking one kind of dessert and putting it in the shape of another dessert. For example, the “cookie cake” incident of ’09 was my doing (for those in the know). That being said, the chocolate-chip-dough combination performs better as a cake or cookie than a brownie. The thickness detracts from the overall textural quality. 4/10

If you would like to find out what the “‘cookie cake’ incident of ’09” was, then you will have to track me down, challenge me to a fistfight, win said fistfight and then pay for my hospital bills. Alternatively, you could just ask, but the first one would probably be cooler.

Ice cream

• French vanilla: French vanilla is a very classic flavor, but it works best when accompanied by toppings. Sadly, the lack thereof means that this one gets serious negative points adjustment (Joey’s hack of the week: You can use cereal like cocoa puffs as a topping for your ice cream in the absence of actual toppings, or you can scrape the sprinkles off of the cupcakes if you don’t care about your public image). 4/10
• Chocolate: This is one of the most popular flavors and for good reason. Chocolate is perhaps the most consistently enjoyed flavor of ice cream, and tubs of this stuff empty quickly. Get it while it’s cold! 8/10
• Strawberry: While this flavor doesn’t really taste like strawberries, people in the minority (like me) will agree that strawberry ice cream is what makes a Neapolitan a Neapolitan. Combines great with other flavors and is good with or without toppings. 7/10
• Bubblegum: Some swear by this flavor as one of the best. While I personally enjoy the taste, I have yet to conquer my childhood fears of bubblegum lingering inside of my stomach for seven years, so the actual pieces of gum in the ice cream are a major negative. 3/10
• Cake batter: For those who love sweets, this is perhaps the sweetest offering at any dining hall. An acquired taste to be sure, but the ones who love cake batter just can’t get enough. Strangely, I have noticed that big fans of cake batter ice cream are not such big fans of actual cake. 5/10
• Cookies ‘n’ cream: If your favorite part of an Oreo is the cream inside, then this is the dessert for you. Another exemplification of chocolate understatement done beautifully, this flavor demands no toppings. 8/10
• Mint chocolate chip: Mint is an underrepresented flavor when it comes to desserts. Sure there are peppermint sticks or patties, but as a whole, the flavor is snubbed by chefs and the general populous alike. Mint chocolate chip ice cream is another flavor that thrives in a topingless environment and is a personal favorite of yours truly. 9/10
• Coffee: I do not like coffee. That being said, I have called my mother, a coffee addict, for her input on this one and she said, and I quote: “That’s so nice that you’re doing something for the school paper. I wish you called home more.” We are going to call this data point inconclusive and put coffee in the dead center of the rating scale, as its lovers swear by it, but its detractors avoid it at all costs. 5/10

I scream, you scream, we all scream for some more of Joey’s reviews! Be patient, humble reader, there will be more in the future. For now, go and write Ron Liebowitz a strongly worded letter detailing why there should be a soft-serve machine in Usdan!

This is part two of the series “Getting your just desserts.”