Aries – You’re getting married! How fun to be entering into the new phase of your life! Wait…not married…buried, you’re getting buried. That’s not good. Best of luck to you on trying to figure that one out.

Taurus – You are going to be so upset when you go back to your dorm, with your roommate in it during COVID-19 which is already bad enough, and you find peanut butter covering all of the walls.

Gemini – You know, you might live on an island and you may have been hit in the face by a squirrel but thought it was someone slapping you when you were running. But it is not all falling squirrels and long Italian names, soon it will also be gonorrhea. Good luck with that one!  

Cancer – With more than 90 million downloads, the mobile game Best Fiends (that’s “friends” without the “r”) features thousands of puzzles, daily events and collectible characters. Sorry Cancer, this week you find yourself paying $12.99 a month for a new subscription you really don’t need. But then again, you do want to know what the stars have to tell you right?

Leo – Hey, you dropped something, here’s your crown. You’re a king and never forget that this week. This week is your week, just like every week.

Virgo – Congrats Virgo! Another week has gone by so replace the “o” at the end of your sign’s name with an “in” because nothing has changed for you.

Libra – You have been trying to tell yourself that your identity is an anime main character but let’s be realistic—you’re honestly just the annoying kid from the Polar Express that “knows everything” about the North Pole. So, shut up and let the real main characters do their jobs.

Scorpio ­– You have been wondering for so long why you want to laugh, cry, scream and also meditate all in the same moment. Well, this week you will be discovering why, but that’s for your doctor to tell you, all I can say right now is that yes, it is related to your constant watching of “The Bachelor.”

Sagittarius – That peanut butter experiment in your dorm room was crazy cool! Your roommate found it disgusting but believe me you’ll soon discover that the wall peanut butter will serve another important and somehow musical task in the near future.

Capricorn – Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. You are not Ron Liebowitz’s child. You are not Ron Liebowitz’s child. This week you will find yourself no longer allowed to be within 20 feet of the Bernstein Marcus Admin building due to the restraining order. 

Aquarius ­– Sometimes we find amazing things in places we least expect them, whether it’s true love, peace of mind or, in your case, a pack of furious marauding cannibals that live in the woods behind Olin-Sang.

Pisces ­– You are always talking about how hard life is, how it can be too much because everything you do ends in failure. You constantly feel like you aren’t doing enough but take heart: those feelings aren’t wrong. Do better this time.