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Horoscopes—week of Oct. 17

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my version of Squid Game. Now although you will not be captured in your sleep and forced to play children’s games for money, you will be subject to my all-knowing will. Your fate for the week is bound in your willing participation in the process of how your fate will be determined. For this week I will be deciphering what the cosmos has in store for you through my playlist. I will click shuffle and based on the song title I will be able to tell you what to expect in the coming days. This is by no means a reflection of the music I listen to and if anyone has issues with my music then I can only tell you that it must be this way because Mercury is in retrograde (I do not even know if it is).


Aries – “Reason to Stay” by Brett Young. Look, Aries, you are the best. No one else: you are number one. In fact, you are the only one on this campus and truthfully in this world that matters. No one knows that fact better than you do but maybe it is time to stop telling everyone about how you could have been in the Student Union but lost in a race to the write-in candidate “Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.” You need to give your friends a reason to stay with you and maybe the place to start is by telling them about how you do not set a million alarms in the morning to wake yourself up like “those” roommates.

Taurus – “Glory Days” by Bruce Springsteen. Taurus, we all know you guys to be pretty chill dudes. You enjoy being surrounded by relaxing things, but reality is going to set in before you enter the metaphorical meat processor of life, which is really just a real meat processor. You will be forced to reflect on your past days and how you definitely peaked in high school. But hey, it will be a really cool reflection that will distract you from how far you are now from your peak.

Gemini – “Uma Thurman” by Fall Out Boy. Gemini, in every sense of the word you are a Brandeisian. You are painfully involved on campus and always in a state of “about to have a panic attack but somehow postponing having a panic attack because you do not have the time for it with all that you do.” That is why this week we recommend that you take some time to yourself and do not go to the three thousand club meetings you have this week and just enjoy being with yourself and dance like Uma.

Cancer – “Superheroes” by The Script. Cancer, you have a knack of being everywhere all at once. I do not mean physically necessarily so much as I mean why are you in my freaking head all the time? What is with your compulsion to figure out if I am emotionally stable or not? I will tell you without you reading my body language, no I am not okay and no I do not want to talk about it. You are not my superhero but perhaps you could be… All it would take is for you to single handedly fix Lower so I can eat there again. Get on it champ!

Leo – “Power” by Kanye West. You’re a king Leo, keep it up with all your power.

Virgo – “Heart of Gold” by Neil Young. Virgo you are in it for the stuff. Do not be ashamed of yourself, but be honest with yourself. However, you definitely did not understand the assignment when a few students came down with an illness due to drinking brown water from G-zang because that led to you putting your mouth fully around the water fountain spigots. The University did not want to encourage students to be “unique” by coming down with an unknown illness and now you potentially have worse metals in your system to worry about than that “heart of gold” you keep saying you have.

Libra – “Overwhelmed (Ryan Mack Remix)” by Ryan Mack. Libra, I understand how the world is supposed to be in some sort of balance in your eyes. Well, I do not know where you have been but one of our freaking dining halls is now being serviced in a ballroom. Where were you? Why did you leave? See what happens when you leave for a weekend! The whole campus descends into chaos with only one dining hall. This week you are going to have to be fully present here and not become overwhelmed by this small ask from the universe: build a new dining hall by yourself. No need for Ikea instructions, the stars believe in you!

Scorpio – “Fancy” by Reba McEntire. Scorpio, no one knows what you’re about and where you get all of your wild and crazy energy. Heck, you do not even know the answer to that question! It is almost as if the stars were aligned when picking this song because Reba had no idea what was going to happen to her. Was she going to find a guy and move out of her poor life or would she be left alone? She had a lot to figure out and I am here to tell you that this week is more a problem week than a solution week like Reba’s. But hey, at least you’ll know what the problem at hand is.

Sagittarius – “Ride” by Twenty One Pilots. Sags, what is up? Can I call you Sags? I’m going to call you Sags. Look, it comes down to this Sags, you are always learning, aren’t you Sags, on the quest for knowledge or whatever you may call this journey. Sags, to quote the all-wise Mr. Meseeks, “most importantly you just need to relax.” So, Sags, take it easy this week because it won’t be easy to learn when you find unhealthy amounts of mold in your dorm room. So get ready for the ride that you will take into the basement of Rosie for a week.

Capricorn – “1812 Overture” by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. Capricorn, I don’t even know what to say. Just enjoy the 15-minute ride that is Tchaikovsky and buckle up; this week feels hectic.

Aquarius – Spotify crashed when I went to find your song so interpret that as you will. It is my job to tell you the future based on the song, not on what happens when there is no song. Good luck!

Pisces – “Big Time Rush” by Big Time Rush. Pisces, you get lost in the clouds and also in Massell Pond. It is a serious issue, Pisces, you need a visit to the BCC and the health center from how you are always daydreaming but are confronted by the reality that Massell pond waters are not as nice as the waters of Narnia. But no worries because you will be living it big time in the Boston Children’s bed you will be in after Rocky attacks you because you have been trespassing on his turf, or should I say surf. 

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