To the children whose parents got down and dirty on some night in 2004, or day—we know some of you got freaky parents—we here at Brandeis want to offer you our most sincere welcome. At Brandeis you will be joining the ranks of some of the world’s greatest minds. From the guy who walks next to the Kiwibots to make sure that they always fall over (consistency is key right?) to the Branvan driver who swears that the bump we just hit was only a rock and not some student trying to get their tuition paid for, you will learn from and with the best of the best. This campus is full of bright students who every day are coming up with the most efficient and progressive ways to drop out and become a nomadic forager. But before they leave campus, there are some tips and tricks to Brandeis they want you to know so that you can be prepared to be a Brandeisian!
We must begin where every day begins on a college campus: dorm rooms. If you toured Brandeis then you may remember that one of our first year quads has a pond in the middle of it. Its natural beauty is without question and when they turn the fountain on in the middle of it you almost forget that it has the same hazardous chemicals in it as Chernobyl. But what you could not see on tour was the war happening over the pond. Brandeis has been engaged in an armed conflict with the geese of Massell pond for three years. Last year we saw a huge step towards peace with a ceasefire drawn up between us and the geese. They no longer attack when campus tours are present but all bets are off when tours end. We tried to advance our line by placing a life preserver into the grass but this only aggravated them more. We have all at one point or another been in a life or death situation where we had to fight a goose but from it we have gotten stronger and now have this recommendation for the incoming infantry. Never leave your dorm without your Brandeis M1A Scout Squad Rifle. Available for purchase from the Brandeis bookstore, this rifle will be your key to safety on campus from those darned geese and on top of that it has the Brandeis logo awkwardly placed somewhere almost unnoticeable on it. That will be your key to making it to the dining hall for breakfast.
This is where our second piece of advice comes in handy. Brandeis dining is well known around the bathrooms on campus. If you hear moaning followed by what sounds like a bubbly nuclear explosion coming from one of the toilet stalls then you know the Sodexo food was good today! Sodexo food at Brandeis is so good that you’ll be compelled to just keep going back for more! But with all that food entering you, it’s also going to need to leave you. Budget roughly 45 minutes after every meal to enjoy the back half of your “Sodexo Experience” which will only be enhanced if you remember to buy your own two-ply toilet paper. Nothing is worse than ripping up your asshole twice after a five star meal so always bring your own toilet paper because like they say, “two-ply keeps the ass from bleeding Jeremy.”
But the meal is merely the energy you will need for your full day of activities on campus! You will have class for a few hours on any given day but don’t overbook yourself too much because, as is campus tradition, you’ll spend at least three hours a day crying. Now do not worry, these are happy tears! All around campus you’ll hear the excited utterances of happily crying Brandeisians saying things like, “I knew he would provide a stable and happy relationship for me” to “I am just so happy that Brandeis is a mentally stable community of hard workers who support each other” to “I cannot wait to make my parents proud with my degree in classical studies.” All of these happy people are the reason why the Brandeis Counseling Center (BCC) is always booked. It is a queue of happy Brandeisians going to the office to thank the BCC for always doing a complete and professional job with their students. Mental health on campus is super strong so when you arrive make sure to plan a visit to the BCC right away. You’ll thank us later when you realize how happy Brandeis can make YOU!
But of course what kind of students would we be if we didn’t leave you, the incoming payroll for our diminishing administration. *COUGH* I mean the incoming class of Brandeis students if we did not give you one final piece of advice we wish we knew before coming to campus: live on campus for as long as possible. There is simply something in the air here at Brandeis that keeps Brandeis students on campus. A growing and everlasting connection to the walls that will nourish and protect you. Some say that it is the magic of the campus, others say it is the passion Brandeis students have for their work and some say its the mold poisoning, but what it really is, is you. You will make Brandeis your own and have your own advice to give one day to an incoming class of students. Just remember that you will walk halls that hundreds of students have passed through before you and just like them, you will also wish you worked harder in high school and had gotten into Tufts. Welcome to Brandeis you poor poor suckers.