Well well well. It has been a long time since this column has been opened and a lot has changed since we last spoke. When the column was opened four years ago COVID-19 still had not sent myself and the rest of my class home. There was a lot of promise for this column as it was going to be a great outlet for a new first-year writer with lots of thoughts going through his racing mind. Unfortunately, only two articles were ever written and published in this column before we ended up being sent home back in the spring of 2020 (a spring which seems like it was only yesterday).

Since then a lot has happened to this writer and his racing mind. This column gave him a lot to be grateful for; teaching him a lot about himself, how he interacts with others and how to properly value those people which gave him so much (all lessons he is still learning and trying to perfect as time goes on). Unfortunately, his mind is still racing with the stress of graduation looming and the fact that adulthood is no longer a distance away but rather knocking on his door.

So what better way to express himself and try to slow down the pace at which his mind runs than to write! Here, I respond to questions given to me about life, Brandeis and all things philosophical as a wise old senior with 97 days as of Friday 3 left at this university. So, with my re-introduction to campus completed, as a new generation of Brandeisians can learn what this place is, it becomes time for me to put thoughts to writing on the questions capturing all of your attention.

A comeback requires a big question to answer and to that end I see no better question than that of the nature of the hotdog. What space in our culinary world does this popular and well loved barbeque staple exist in? The camps which have seemed to develop around this question have put up their defenses and made their claims. For some the hotdog is a sandwich, for others it seems to be its own entirely separate thing and for a newer camp the hotdog is no more than, of all things, a taco.

If we want to arrive at a proper answer I think it best to dissect what each option is and then what a hotdog. From there we can fit the hotdog into the category, or make a new one, which it best fits into.

Let us begin with the newcomers to this debate and see what the simple properties of a taco are. For simplicity’s sake we will not be investigating any sort of deluxe taco or sandwich for that matter, just the base of both. In this case that means we will be looking at the classic beef taco. Now, everyone constructs their taco a little differently but I think my outline here will satisfy the most readers. This beef taco has a corn tortilla (soft or hard—the difference is irrelevant here, unless you ask a ZBT brother) with seasoned ground beef, salsa, chopped lettuce, diced tomatoes, jalapenos, sour cream and shredded cheese on top. A very “White People Taco Night” construction of a taco for those unfamiliar with the Lewberger song.

With those ingredients in mind the physical construction of the taco is next to be understood. 

The tortilla, a single cornmeal pancake, is shaped around a layer of ground beef with the additional toppings put on top of the beef. The benefit of this construction is that it can be eaten with only one hand so that other activities can be done with the other. It is a simple and effective construction with simple and easy ingredients.

But the rival camp’s construction is not too far off from that of the taco. For those who reside in the sandwich camp there exist many similarities. The sandwich, let us take an Italian sandwich, has bread (though usually a bun), filled with a dressing, olive oil, salt, pepper, salami, ham, lettuce, tomatoes, provolone cheese, pickled peppers and pepperoni. When put together the bread is cut open and the dressing and oil is applied. Then layered in particular fashion comes the meats, lettuce, tomato, peppers and then seasonings on top. The only difference being that the sandwich is not always accessible by one hand and frequently requires two for the best eating experience. It appears to be an almost identical construction to the taco. Meat with toppings which is bound together by a type of carbohydrate.

To the eyes of someone not familiar with this matter the hotdog seems to be both! It is meat with toppings in a bun! But there is one key difference which seems to fly over the heads of those with boots on the ground fighting this war—the carb. The tortilla and bun are too different to allow the hotdog to somehow be both a taco and sandwich. The tortilla is a single piece when it is used for a taco. Its design is genius in its ability to bend which allows it to be used without needing to be cut or altered. But bread, be it a bun or two pieces of bread is not so flexible—literally.

The bun needs a half slice to become practical for anyone wanting a sandwich and when using slices of bread two are needed. The bun of a hotdog is not ergonomically designed to bend around the dog and thus needs to be cut. In my mind this makes the place of a hotdog clear in our culinary world: the hotdog by way of the nature of its bun is in fact a sandwich!

The beauty of questions like these is that they help us distill the gray spaces in life which make us question the reality around us. Perhaps a frivolous question you use as a pick up line at a frat party or in class, these questions force us to use a surpisingly high degree of rational thought and examination to provide a thorough answer. To those disappointed by this result, know that the world is full of these questions and that they exist all around us. Begin using your inquisitive nature and you will see that the world is full of gray. Question it all and let your journey of self discovery and worldly realization become complete.

For those who want to rebut this opinion or possibly have their own questions they want answered when it comes to the silly, serious, love, life or even the absurd email opinions@thebrandeishoot.com and perhaps your question will make it onto this column one week!