Many of The Hoot’s editors have taken on the topic of Oreos in our newspaper’s opinions section. But they’re all wrong. As opinions editor, I am the only one allowed to have correct opinions and everybody else is so despicably wrong that they should be completely barred from writing for The Hoot ever again. To quote a certain farm-boy, I like to be referred to as “Admiral General Gottfried, Supreme Leader, Chief Ophthalmologist, Invincible, All Triumphant, Beloved Oppressor of the People of Brandeis and excellent swimmer, including butterfly.” He has made it strikingly clear that there is no further abbreviation for his new title as well. Whenever we are to address him we must use the full title and nothing short of it.” Thomas is right: that is my title, I am to be addressed as such and I definitely know how to swim butterfly.

Now, as Admiral-General-Opthamologist-Oppressor-excellent-swimmer, I’d like to talk about Oreos. But, before I explain why dark chocolate Oreo Thins are obviously the best Oreo variety, there’s one problem I’d like to address: Oreos aren’t really that good. Sure, if they’re around I’ll enjoy one or two. But having more than a few of them sickens me. And having Oreos with extra “stuf” in them is blasphemy. First of all, they only have 1.86 times the normal amount of “stuf,” so they’re just lying to consumers off the bat. But even at a meager 1.86 times stuf, that’s still far too much. In order to make Oreos a viable and less nauseating cookie option, they should release a “half stuf” option with barely any schmutz between the cookies. Or, better yet, revert to the Handi-snacks model (this is the only proper way to eat Oreos). I want to be able to choose how much “stuf” I want on my Oreo, and dipping a little stick of cookie into a vat of “stuf” is the optimal way to do that.

I know I’m going to get flak for this, but none of the Chips Ahoy varieties are good. I’m starting to sound like our sports editor, who hates breakfast and ice cream, but there’s a striking pattern of mediocrity in popular snack foods. Original Chips Ahoy are so crunchy I always assume they’re stale, but at least they’re better than the diabolic “chewy” Chips Ahoy that people enjoy for some reason. I’m not saying that all chewy cookies are bad, I think crunchy and chewy cookies both have their place, I’m just saying that Chips Ahoy has no idea how to make a good cookie. Their “exotic” varieties don’t get much better: who decided that putting Sour Patch Kids in a cookie was a good idea? Worst of all, they have a “Haunted Chips Ahoy” now, which is far too scary for me. I ate these all the time as a kid, but Chips Ahoy are bottom-of-the-barrel as far as cookies go. I’d rather eat nothing than eat a Chips Ahoy.

But that’s enough negativity for now, because I’m going to talk about Milanos. These are just fantastic. There are so many varieties, it’s almost hard to choose the double dark chocolate Milanos as the best one. I can even tolerate the orange-chocolate Milanos. These are just good cookies! I only have one complaint about Milanos: the packaging. It feels unnecessary to include a coffee-filter-like object between every few cookies. I’ve heard that it’s to keep the cookies fresh or to give the illusion of more cookies in a package, but I don’t think that either of those reasons makes the coffee filter necessary.

Again, I’m going to give a great review to Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies. These are soft, tiny cookies that come in what’s basically a short shoebox. These cookies were my fuel throughout middle school. I’d pop a few of them in the microwave to melt the chocolate and subsequently torch the roof of my mouth when I ate them. But it was always worth it. These cookies are small enough that you can eat a few without feeling guilty, yet substantial enough that you know you’re eating something of quality. I’m fueled by rampant nostalgia for these cookies, but they’re simply amazing.

I’m going to stay positive with the second to last cookie on this list, because I’m talking about Mallomars. If you’re not from the Northeast you may not know what these are, and you’re missing out. These cookies are essentially marshmallow and graham cracker wrapped in chocolate, and they’re by far the greatest cookie on the market. But, flavor aside, the best part about these cookies is how enigmatic they are. They’re produced in Canada but not sold there and as of 2013, nearly 70% of these cookies were sold in the New York City Area (I live there and I bought all of them). These cookies are amazing and they’re even sold at the Hannaford’s near campus. 

It’s now time for the last cookie on my list, and this is probably my most controversial opinion. I don’t like any of the Girl Scout Cookies. Thin Mints just aren’t good: mint belongs solely in toothpaste and gum. Trefoils are just worse than Lorna Doones. Tagalongs are a bad version of Reese’s peanut butter cups in cookie form and have no right to be crispy. And Samoas are trying very hard to be Fudge Stripes but they added coconut to ruin the whole experience for no reason.

Those are my thoughts on a few major cookie brands, and I’d call them opinions but they’re really just facts. If you agree with me, congratulations! You are safe from the hand of judgment. If not, please assimilate my thoughts as your own and re-read this article.