Seems like yesterday when we all moved into campus during the mid-August heat. All of us and our one move-in helper ran bags and boxes of our stuff up multiple floors. We came down all sweaty and wanting to take our masks off for just a moment to breathe, and there was DCL, “unable” to help us move in this year. This time just sitting in the Adirondack chairs watching us suffer. Regardless of how long ago that seems, some of us have been on campus for a little over a month and most of us are closing in on one. We have all now felt the realness of Zoom fatigue, and whether we want to admit it or not, we have all felt awkward asking the food service worker for a number, I won’t say the number to protect those, totally not myself, who ask for absurd amounts of brownies, but it is a number above four and lower than eight.
But I digress. Zoom class has brought out the worst in us and sometimes the best—well, really not the latter but all we can do is hope that there are some good people left. Perhaps it is because time and space no longer exist in the age of COVID-19 as we plug into our laptops 24/7, but it seems to me that in no matter what Zoom class, I attend I can always find these types of people:
1. The first is the 24/7 e-boy/girl who never stops the Fall Guys grind. They do not care if it is three in the morning or 11 a.m. during class all they want is that crown you get for winning. Typically, these students prefer not to show their faces on camera in fear of being caught not looking at their laptop screen. Then, when they see the little white text box for breakout rooms, they join but then immediately ask what is going on. I will admit that in some classes you cannot help but be distracted and turn your camera off but I am looking at you when I say I have never seen your face, you always seem confused, and I swear I hear Fall Guys music in your background when you ask for help!
2. The second person you probably know in your Zoom class is the designated Zoom class try-hard. This student always has their hand raised in the Zoom function and in real life. Oh, what’s that? They already said something, but their hand is still up. Must be a mistake, they must have forgotten to take it down. Nope! You just got try-hardered. No actually, you just got tried hardest! Nope, not that one either. You just got harder tried! Okay, wow, nope, well, moving on. With this student it doesn’t matter if they have talked one time or one hundred times their hand is always up and they always have more to say. So nice going, but you do not get extra points in the class for having the green box around your name more than anyone else.
3. We all know this one: Zoom class sleeping beauty. They do not care when the class is at all. It could be at four in the afternoon, but nevertheless this student always looks disheveled out of their freaking mind, yawns every three seconds, is still wearing pajamas if clothes at all, stays in bed the whole time and never thinks to turn their camera off when they brush their teeth with their finger. This is the only time I will advocate for this but please if you are this person save my eyes the pain and my wallet the bleach money to clean my eyes and turn your camera off, please. Thank you!
4. I do not know if you can consider this fourth category a student. This is the chatterbox. This “student” is always talking, but never to anyone in the class. Their camera is always on and showing them facing sideways and talking to someone else. You can never see who they are talking to so we can only assume. Here are some of my thoughts—they are being visited by Santa Claus and are asking him if he is really real. They are talking to their roommates (if those even exist this semester). Or maybe they are talking to their imaginary friend, who is telling them that now that they are in college and have Zoom friends they must now part ways. Truly an emotional conversation to have.
5. Now, this student is one I am glad I have never had to deal with but certainly is one worth noting. This guy is the “whoops I forgot my camera was on” guy. We all know and love these Tik Tok videos. Some naked student wanders into his Zoom class unknowingly, and we all chuckle at his expense. Now, yes, I am willing to use gendered pronouns here because we all know it’s a dude. No girl has ever been caught with this, but we all know a handful of dumb dudes that either could or would do this. But as funny as this stereotype may be, it becomes a lot less funny when suddenly you find yourself on the toilet with them. I give him 0/10 stars and would not recommend him to a friend.
6. Number six is special because they are by far the dumbest people on the planet. This one is the “Zoom class = power nap” student. You may think you are suave and that the professor will never know you are not paying attention, turning Zoom on for roll call and then watching the recording to take notes so you can nap during class. But when we go into breakout rooms and you are left with the professor alone—that’s a big “L.” Cause now they know you aren’t even looking at your laptop, and they don’t want to be in a breakout room just as much as you don’t want to be in class.
Zoom class has opened my eyes to certain types of students, and I strongly encourage never becoming student six. At least put a little effort in for the professor but as for the other types of students—keep being you! You’re the reason I still show up to Zoom classes. So, bring on your side conversations, toilet runs, messy hair and gaming! It makes it all worth it!
