Ollie the Owl, Brandeis long-time mascot, will be replaced after this semester, University President Jehuda Reinharz announced Tuesday. This comes after a student poll asking whether or not the current mascot adequately represented the schools ideals.
I had no idea that there was so much discontent amongst the students about something as small as the mascot, Reinharz said. But, they have spoken.
Ollie the Owl has been the university mascot since 1955. The owl is named for Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, an ally of Louis Brandeis and the Justice who famously told Theodore Roosevelt that three generations of imbeciles are enough.
Im really sad Ollie is leaving, said Max Cooper 08. I always thought he was a hoot.
Andrew Meyers 08 disagreed: Its time we had a mascot who was actually cool, he said. Once, Ollie touched my girlfriend. When asked if he had called Public Safety to file a complaint, Meyers said he had not. According to Reinharz, the new mascot was decided upon by a committee led by Shulamit Reinharz (SOC), Union President Alison Schwartzbaum 08, and Director of Communications Brian Paternostro 07.
We thought long and hard about this, said Paternostro. And we are very confident about our decision.
Paternostro then unveiled the new mascot for Brandeis University, which was none other than Master Splinter, sensei of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Splinter seemed somewhat disoriented in the Shapiro Campus Center, but gamely showed the crowd a smattering of martial arts skills on various members of the Student Union. Shredderwas this your doing? Splinter told the crowd happily as he flipped, cartwheeled, and Shaolin-kicked. Where are you, my sons? You must use your ninjitsu to help your master! After giving the new mascot his special pill, as Union Officials called it, Splinter soon returned to his steel cage.
Were really excited about our new mascot, said Schwartzbaum. We think that Splinters qualitiesage, wisdom, and unsanitary living habitsare a far better fit for Brandeis than Ollie was, anyway.
*Note: This is part of an April Fool's joke.*
