Note: This article is for entertainment purposes only. The actions described are safe, if morally dubious, but we regardless suggest that they not be replicated.
There is a popular colloquialism used to describe food that is generally frowned upon by most people: a food crime. If food crimes had charges, we would be felons on the edge of a 20-30 year sentence. Most general stores have a unique food additive called thickener, a modified formula of corn starch or xanthan gum that changes liquids or soft foods to have a more viscous, honey-like consistency. It is most often used by people with dystrophy or swallowing conditions for ease of consumption, but we personally have rarely seen it used for anything other than water. That begs a question: what can it work with? For each beverage we tested, we added about two tablespoons of thickener for the ideal slime appearance.
Gatorade: Blue Gatorade is a staple of our childhoods, and its water-like consistency made for a good first choice. The powder struggled to dissolve fully, but even after it did, it hardly affected the experience. This one was tolerable.
Apple Juice: Possibly the best of the lot. The mildly sweet flavor complemented the texture in a way that closely resembled honey, and it would not be hard to imagine seeing this sold as a product.
Prime Energy Drink: Admittedly, choosing Logan Paul’s glorified sugar water instead of any other energy drink was a terrible mistake, but we couldn’t resist our curiosity. The thickener worked very well, and the only thing truly bad about it was the flavor.
Oat Milk: The first of many objectionable choices. It was an unsettling experience, not quite like it had curdled, but the poor dissolve left an unpleasant residue that keeps us from calling thick milk drinkable.
Bubly (Blueberry Pomegranate): The seltzer lost its carbonation, though some bubbles did remain trapped within the drink. It wasn’t so bad, and the powder worked well.
Coca-Cola: Compared to the Bubly, this soda maintained its carbonation and flavor much better, though the powder didn’t dissolve quite as well. The texture was worse as a result, and left a poor taste in our mouths. Interestingly enough, we saw a large amount of fizz sticking to the side of the cup, which produced an interesting visual.
Iced Tea (Mango): The thickener dampened the flavor in the tea more than any other drink, with the mango being only a whisper and the leafy tea base being practically non-existent. Among all of the drinks, we did not expect any to be so bland, but this one was.
Nitro Cold Brew Coffee: Objectionable. The strength of the coffee remained even after thickening, and the powder had trouble dissolving. This was not a good idea.
Chicken Soup?: In retrospect, we should have watered down the broth as the can instructed, as the overpowering saltiness defined the whole taste experience. The texture was comparable to a cream stock, and would have even been tolerable had we properly prepared the soup first. It could have been worse!
Olive Oil?: It got worse. Olive oil is already viscous and bitter, naturally unpleasant even without thickener. The powder unfortunately cooperated with the oil well enough to change the consistency to something like liquid glue, taste and all. Bad idea.
Mouthwash?: We were curious to see if mouthwash could still function as intended after thickening, given that the texture is supposed to coat one’s mouth. It did not, but it did wash out the taste of olive oil, so that earns it the spot of not being the worst.
The Sludge (No Mouthwash!): Creating a vile concoction of every beverage we’d tested was an idea we had starting out, and there was no way we could have predicted that it would not end up being the worst of the lost. The liquids separated due to differences in density, which led to multiple stages of flavor. It was bitter, then sweet, then bitter again, then a touch salty, then gone. This was unpleasant, but the fact it did not leave us ill is a miracle.
The most important conclusion made was that nobody should ever do this. The second most important was this: the thickening product recommends using thin liquids like water or soup broth as a base, and those did indeed produce the best results. The best results were clear, water-like liquids with strong tastes like Apple Juice or Bubly, though the latter did lose its fizz. With some effort, Gatorade worked out well. All the others had varying issues, such as carbonated drinks like Coca-Cola losing their fizziness, or the powder struggling to work in creamy liquids like milk. The experience was awful either way.
We will do this again.
