Welcome back everyone! Last year, I started writing reviews of all the Indiana Jones movies, beginning with the original trilogy of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Temple of Doom and Last Crusade. These are thrilling, timeless masterpieces that represent the height of the franchise (except for the weirdly racist scenes in Temple of Doom, of course). However, going into the 21st century, the franchise has more of a mixed record. Whereas one movie is still enjoyable, albeit with some flaws and stupid moments, the other has become an infamous box-office bomb. How and why did this happen?

 

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” (2008)

 

Heroes:

Harrison Ford returns as Indy—somewhat older—but still as adventurous as ever. However, while Indy may not have changed much, the world he’s in certainly has. This is the 1950’s, and much to Indy’s confusion, he’s forced out of his teaching job at Marshall College due to political meddling by the feds (sounds an awful lot like today’s climate). But Indy seems to have no nuanced opinions about the omnipresent Red Scare paranoia; to him, Communists are just punching bags, just like the Nazis were. Indy is a very simplistic character at heart, and as we’ve seen from previous films, he needs others around him to balance him out and motivate him. 

 

Starting from the deuteragonist, Mutt Williams, played by Shia Labeouf. He is a stereotypical 1950’s greaser who is later revealed to be Indy and Marion’s son. However, if you’re expecting father-son shenanigans like those of the previous films, prepare to be disappointed. The relationship dynamic lacks the wholesomeness of Indy and Shorty in “Temple of Doom” or the hilarious back-and-forth between Indy and his father in “Last Crusade.” It’s true that before Indy learns that Mutt is his son, the two of them share some fun bonding moments. But after that, I get the feeling that their character arc was left underdeveloped. The big reveal sets up a plotline of Indy accepting Mutt for who he is, but given that it’s immediately followed by wall-to-wall action sequences that last until the end of the movie, it never feels like he has enough time to do so. Shia Labeouf’s rather bland acting doesn’t help sell the relationship, either. 

 

(Speaking of Shia Labeouf, he ended up absolutely HATING this movie and trash-talking it to the media after its release, which partially explains what happens in the next film, but I’m getting ahead of myself.)

 

There are two other “good guys” in the film: Marion and Harold Oxley. Marion hasn’t been seen since Raiders, when she was Indy’s love interest. Much of that movie focuses on Indy and Marion rekindling their forgotten love, and “Crystal Skull” seems content to lazily recycle that plotline. This time, however, the film gives her a bit more agency and physical prowess which comes in handy at several points during the movie. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Harold “Ox” Oxley. Having been driven mad by the power of the titular crystal skull, his sole purpose in the film is to mutter cryptic gibberish, which Indy must translate. He’s essentially a sentient MacGuffin and a horrible representation of mental health issues to boot. 

 

Villains:

Colonel Doctor Irina Spalko is probably one of the coolest villains in the entire series. She’s an archeologist, a fencer AND a psychic—easily the most competent antagonist in the entire series. In fact, she’s somewhat of a mirror image to Indiana Jones, both being highly skilled and driven in their quests for the lost city of Akator. She feels more intimidating than the comedic villains from previous installments (e.g. Mola Ram), and she’s a refreshing subversion of the stereotypical “dirty Commie” tropes that were thrown around in the 1950s. However, the same can’t be said for the other major antagonist, Mac, whose sole purpose is to repeatedly double-cross Indiana Jones. I understand that some people might like the moral ambiguity of a villain teaming up with the allies—if only for a bit—but to me, it just prompts annoyed eye-rolls. 

 

Locations:

Given that this was the first Indiana Jones film to use CGI in a major capacity, there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of good physical set design here. This isn’t a problem with the movie, but with modern Hollywood as a whole, as any Marvel movie can demonstrate. However, the Nazca tomb that Indy and Mutt break into is delightfully creepy, with skeletons, terrifying bugs and murderous dartgun blowers hidden within—even if nothing too, too significant actually happens there. But the best location in the movie has to be Akator itself. Hidden behind impenetrable waterfalls and reached by passing armies of warriors, Akator boasts ingenious puzzles, cool door mechanisms and treasures from every society on Earth. Not to mention the final throne room itself, which, despite the liberal use of CGI, still looks appropriately otherworldly. And that’s not counting the fact that Akator is finally revealed, at the end of the film, to be a gigantic flying saucer, which flies into the sky, destroying everything below it. While this plot point was highly controversial when it first came out, it is simply, for lack of another word, AWESOME.

 

Action scenes:

The opening fight in Area 51 is great up until the infamous “nuking the fridge” scene, which, sadly, is the only thing that most people remember about this movie. In case you don’t know what it is, Indy climbs into a fridge seconds before a nuclear bomb goes off, sending the fridge flying through the air. Then Indy climbs out, no worse for wear. To which I say: we shouldn’t be forced to suspend our disbelief this early on in the movie! Not only is “nuking the fridge” unbelievable in itself, the fact that the entire scene is shot with CGI only makes it less realistic. However, while the other action scenes are CGI-heavy, they are still fun to watch. The car chase through the university is hilarious while also including a unique 1950s flavor, while the jungle chase sequence is pure non-stop exhilaration, just the kind of swashbuckling fun you expect to see from this series. People jumping from car to car, swinging from vines or getting eaten by killer ants. What’s not to love?

 

MacGuffin:

Almost as controversial as “nuking the fridge” are the ancient aliens. Now, they aren’t that out of place in Indiana Jones: I mean, have you seen any of the previous movies? And this movie is set in the 1950s, after all, when everyone was obsessed with spacemen and flying saucers. So, in my mind, it makes sense for a couple of Grays to show up. Meanwhile, Spalko’s demise isn’t nearly as gruesome as the ones we’ve come to expect from the ’80s, but still extremely satisfying nonetheless. She got exactly what she wanted—infinite knowledge—and paid the ultimate price. Mac, too, gets his karmic comeuppance when he falls into the black hole, saving Indy and the audience from any further back-stabbing. Good riddance!

 

“Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny” (2023) (uh oh)

 

Heroes:

The 15 years since “Crystal Skull” were not kind to Indiana Jones as a character. Yes, Harrison Ford is getting on in years, he refused to be recast, and of course, the movie has to reflect that. It would be one thing if the film portrayed Indy as an ass-kicking hero even at his advanced age. However, the Indy we see here is a tired, hollowed-out shell of his former self. If he felt out of place in the 1950s, the 1960s have it much, much worse as the audience is constantly bombarded with reminders of how useless, irrelevant and Bidenesque he has become. Case in point: IMMEDIATELY after the opening sequence showing Indy in his prime (with the help of A.I. technology) we cut to the modern day with Indy tottering around half-naked in his shitty apartment, going to the bathroom and yelling at the neighbors to shut up. Nothing means anything to Indy anymore. Not teaching, not archeology, not even adventuring, as he is roped into the plot only because he is framed for murder and forced to flee.

 

Shia LaBeouf is dead. Unceremoniously killed off, with a single throwaway line stating that he died in Vietnam. Perhaps this was petty revenge for everything that Shia LaBeouf had bad-mouthed about “Crystal Skull.” Perhaps Disney overcorrected to please fans who hated him. But this decision obliterates the family Indy had built up in “Crystal Skull.” Having divorced Marion in his grief, robbing the audience of yet another favorite character, Indy is left alone. The only person he has left is Sallah, who has barely two minutes of screen time and has left archeology behind for a banal life as a New York cab driver. Oh, yeah! There’s also a frog diver who we are told, not shown, is a longtime friend of Indy. He is instantly shot, and is never mentioned again. Indy is, for all intents and purposes, totally alone. 

 

That is, until his fuckass goddaughter shows up.

 

I’m sure that Phoebe Waller-Bridge is a talented actress; however, the character she portrays, Helena, must have been deliberately written to be as obnoxious as possible. The filmmakers tried so hard to make a self-sufficient, sassy and emancipated female character (rightly so, given the lack of them in past Indy movies). But they missed the most important thing: making her likable. Helena makes quips that sound like she was written by a Republican pundit to make fun of “woke leftists,” criticizes Indy for looting artifacts from graves despite doing the exact same thing herself and makes no attempt to conceal her utter disdain for Indy. As if to drive the point home that she’s supposed to replace Indy as the hero, she has her own knockoff Short Round, a Moroccan orphan named Teddy. Teddy does some plot-relevant things, but I cannot for the life of me remember what exactly these things are, as he lacks any defining character traits whatsoever.

 

Villains:

In “Raiders” and “Last Crusade,” Indy is pursued by the entire might of the Third Reich. In “Temple of Doom,” he takes on hundreds of bloodthirsty cultists. In “Crystal Skull,” he squares up against the powerful Soviet army. In “Dial of Destiny,” Indy fights … like, five or six guys max??? To say the villains here are “underwhelming” is an understatement. The mastermind, Voller, is decent enough on his own. Mads Mikkelsen portrays his cold, inhuman nature well, and his backstory as a neo-Nazi scooped up by NASA is interesting. But his clutch of subordinates is comically bumbling to the extent that they sabotage their own plan—by shooting office workers in broad daylight. (In their defense, office workers are probably the only people they could beat in a fight). Yet this tiny terror cell is just about an equal opponent for Indiana Jones at this point. Another one of the movie’s endless reminders of Indy’s obsolescence. 

 

Oh, I almost forgot to discuss the greatest bait-and-switch of all time. Agent Mason, played by Shaunette Renée Wilson, is a CIA agent who works for the bad guys. When she is first introduced, the audience assumes she’s a big deal. She’s a Black woman working for the CIA during the Civil Rights era, a position inherently filled with such contradiction and nuance and is begging to be further explored. Plus, they gave her an Afro, gold hoop earrings, a leather jacket and bell bottoms, making her into the most dripped-out character in the entire franchise, with an aura that even rivals Colonel Doctor Irina Spalko. With this much unique flavor, you would expect her to do something important, right? No, she gets shot by Voller and dies instantly! Imagine what would have happened if she ended up joining the heroes, or revealed a little bit of her backstory and motivations or did anything relevant to the plot. But no, Disney whacked off what could have been the most interesting character in this entire movie.

 

Locations:

Locations? What locations? Haven’t you heard? CGI is the future! Just like every other big-budget Hollywood movie, everything is cloaked in a layer of hyperrealistic CGI. So much was spent on CGI that at the time of release, it was the 13th-most expensive film ever made. So there are fewer sets for our actors to play around in. The club in Morocco is only used for a 15-second-long gag, showcasing how useless Indy’s whip is. And then there’s the tomb of Archimedes in Greece, a mere shadow of the famous tombs in prior installments, where there are only a few puzzles to solve and a brief fight scene where they dive in and out through underwater tunnels.

 

Action scenes:

The opening train fight is pretty impressive, in my opinion, despite the omnipresent, unworldly purple sky that looks like it came from Roku City. The de-aging technology they used on Harrison Ford doesn’t look too bad, but they didn’t bother to de-age his voice for some reason, resulting in a jarring clash as a 38-year-old speaks with an 80-year old’s voice. Nevertheless, this is a fine action scene, just as exciting as all of the previous movies. Unfortunately, this is the high point of the movie. The chase scene where Indy rides through a marching band, a Vietnam protest and the New York subway—all on horseback—sounds fun on paper and has some entertaining gags. But the constant use of greenscreen for literally everything makes it feel distinctly artificial, like a video game cutscene. The chase through the streets of Tangiers is literally the same car chase you’ve seen in a dozen other movies. And then there’s the plane chase into the portal, which, again, you’ve seen before at some point. And that brings us to …

 

MacGuffin (and ending rant)

The titular Dial turns out to be an Antikythera mechanism, which leads the user through time portals, and Voller is using it to travel to 1939 because he thinks he could have won the war. While many fans think this concept is ridiculous on its surface, it’s not as out of place as they’re suggesting, given the ancient aliens and vengeful spirits from previous installments. What is nonsensical, though, is the way in which it all unfolds. 

 

As the villains make for the portal in their vintage WWII plane, with Indy and Helena in tow, Indy comes to a shocking realization. The world has changed since the Dial was invented. The plane isn’t heading for 1939 like they think it is! “You forgot about continental drift!” he exclaims over and over again. “CONTINENTAL DRIFT!” he shouts, but the villains ignore him, of course. But Indy is proven right, as much to Voller’s horror, they end up in Ancient Greece, 214 B.C.! They did, in fact, forget about continental drift! 

 

OR DID THEY??? Because it turns out that the Dial was programmed to only send people to this particular place and time. Continental drift had absolutely nothing to do with it! So why was it given so much emphasis, then? Is it like a “House M.D.” episode where they think they’ve got the disease, but then at the last minute it turns out to be wrong? It’s totally meaningless and irrelevant to the plot. For this reason, shouting “CONTINENTAL DRIFT” has become an in-joke among my friends. But that stupidity is nothing compared to what follows.

 

Voller’s plane is shot down by a ballista and crashes (a ridiculously tame death by Indiana Jones villain standards), and Archimedes himself shows up for a bit. Indy, Helena and the Short Round clone are safe, and they have another working plane with which to return through the portal. End of the movie, right? Right? Except Indy is DONE with all of this shit. Everyone he loves is gone. The world of the 1960s is too alien for him. He wants to stay here, in 214 B.C., and just die already. He tells Helena and Long Square—I mean, Teddy—to leave without him, as he’s just given up. 

 

What? Indiana Jones, the man who has overcome any obstacle and defeated any enemy, the man who literally TIED HIMSELF TO A SUBMARINE to chase down the Ark of the Covenant, has GIVEN UP??? Sad, but perhaps unavoidable, I guess. Indy is 80, after all, and maybe he does deserve some form of retirement, becoming part of the history that he loves.

 

And then, what does Helena do next? She punches Indy out. 

 

I kid you not. She PUNCHES INDY OUT and drags him through the time portal.

 

In that moment, Indy loses all agency, all momentum whatsoever. He is no longer the primary protagonist. He is no longer in control of events. His own franchise has now been handed over to Helena—who has been built up over the course of the film to be an audience hate sink.

 

I think this is also an unintentional metaphor for the state of this franchise. The writers want to leave it behind, but also want to force it into the future. 

 

You may think I’m being too negative. You may think I’m blinded by nostalgia. You may think I’m exaggerating the movie’s flaws. Perhaps I am, unconsciously. But the fact is, this movie lost up to $134.2 million at the box office. As I wrote in my first article for The Hoot, “Dial of Destiny” didn’t deserve to bomb. But it certainly wasn’t enough to lure back the audiences who once flocked to Indy’s movies. And it can’t shine a light to everything that came before it, even if they were occasionally clunky or offensive. It is truly the most underwhelming finale possible to one of the most iconic and timeless movie franchises of all time.

 

Photo credit: Printerval