Okay, say it with me now: we are so back!!! After a year, “The Great British Bake Off” returns to us. I am back for my fourth and final season of recapping the highs and lows, the stiff peaks and soggy bottoms, of this beloved show.
This year’s series opened with an extended “Jurassic Park” themed sequence, the best part of which was Prue in drag. Now, “Jurassic Park” is a bit more topical than last year’s “Barbie” introduction, but I have a sneaking suspicion the show blew their entire budget on the animatronic Paul-a-saurus Rex (yes, that’s not what the episode called it, but my version is better) that promptly ate Noel. After that moment of extreme weirdness, the show moved on to its regularly scheduled programming as though nothing had happened. For that, I am grateful.
This year’s crop of bakers march into the tent, and we get the usual flurry of opening confessionals. Variations on “I can’t believe I’m here,” and “Oh my god, it’s the tent.” We do get one gem, though, from the baker whose name I will later learn is Tom. “I think Paul Hollywood is a daddy,” he says. “Bit of a hunky man.” We are off to a flying start!
The signature challenge is a Swiss roll. Now, this seems, on its face, to be reasonable. The first signature challenge in 2014 was a Swiss roll, and they’ve cropped up now and again across Bake Off. However, this is not 2014. Obama is no longer the president, and Bake Off challenges are no longer reasonable. This Swiss roll must include an inlay design (made by piping and freezing colored batter before spreading the sponge mix on top) and at least two fillings. Clearly, the challenge-setting team has yet to be fired despite my three years of complaints. It’s like they don’t read these recaps or something.
Anyway, the bakers can’t hear my gripes any better than the challenge-setters can, and they start the challenge. Iain’s Swiss roll is based on Queen’s University in Belfast, his alma mater, with an absurdly complicated inlay design. We learn in the cutaway that Iain enjoys baking bespoke loaves of bread, including one with a painting of Paul on the top that is deemed “Paul Holly-bread.” We next meet Pui Man. Originally from Hong Kong, she is making a lemon and matcha Swiss roll. A dangerous move, as Paul notoriously hates matcha. Pui Man also reveals that she doesn’t like sweet things, which, to me, would be an indication that Bake Off might not be the show for her. But who am I to judge?
Pui Man is not alone in using lemons—it’s very much the flavor of choice for the challenge. Jasmine’s using lemon, as is Leighton, who explains that his Swiss roll is inspired by the Amalfi Coast. Aaron is using lemon, blueberry and elderflower for an inexplicably honey-less beehive-themed signature. Lesley is doing lemon and blueberry as well. Those bucking the lemon trend include Hassan (chocolate and caramel), Nataliia (passion fruit, mango and cream cheese) and Nadia (cherry and almond). My favorite flavor choices come from Toby, who has gone for rhubarb and custard, and Jessika, who has picked the intriguing combination of coconut, grapefruit, white chocolate and ground pepper.
Someone must always suffer a disaster during the first challenge, and it is Hassan who falls victim to it this time. His caramel is far too warm when he assembles his roll, and the whole thing melts into what is essentially a pile of cracked sponge and sludge. During judging, he is informed that his bake “looks like it’s been dropped out of a tree.”
Other bakers fare better during judging. Nataliia, Tom and Iain have both produced gorgeous Swiss rolls. Pui Man is told that there’s too much matcha and not enough lemon. However, this is Paul, so what he probably means is that he wanted no matcha and all lemon. Aaron has great flavors, as does Jessika. Nadia and Leighton struggle with flavor and texture, respectively, but it’s still all to play for in the technical.
Now, remember what I said about ridiculous challenges? We may have reached a new height of ridiculousness in this technical. The bakers have to taste a fondant fancy, then recreate it, with NO RECIPE and RED HERRING INGREDIENTS. This. Is. So. Stupid. This isn’t “Bake Off: The Professionals”! What are we doing?!?!?!
Spoilers: Literally every single baker puts ground almonds in their sponge because IT WAS THERE and they weren’t supposed to because it was a red herring. So everyone does badly. Tom is in 12th (“like cardboard”), Pui Man is in 11th (she put rose extract in instead of raspberry and almond) and Hassan is in 10th (bad sponge). At the top we have Nataliia in third, Jessika in second and Toby in first, but Paul tells all the bakers not to clap.
I give this technical challenge a 0/10, and hopefully, the fact that it went so badly will mean we never see anything else like it ever again.
Moving on to the showstopper! And because it’s Bake Off, the showstopper for week one this year is something quite similar to the showstopper of the 2018 final—a landscape cake. We have designs ranging from simple (Leighton’s Swansea in Victoria sandwich form) to insane (Nataliia making the entirety of Ukraine out of chocolate cherry cake). The most intriguing flavors come from Jasmine, who is recreating the Scottish highlands using a pistachio, blackberry and cardamom flavored cake, and Jessika’s Lake Bunyonyi spiced apple sponge. The apples come from her late neighbor, who always wanted Jessika to apply for Bake Off.
Other international destinations being recreated in cake include Hong Kong’s Lion Rock Mountain from Pui Man, a Japanese bamboo forest from Hassan, a Barcelona-inspired cake from Aaron and a Mauritius beach getaway cake from Nadia. But now I want to return to Nataliia’s Ukraine cake. Nataliia is the first Ukrainian in the tent, and it’s clear that this bake means a lot to her. It’s full of symbolism, with a heart where Kyiv is. Nataliia makes it clear that she wants the beauty of Ukraine and the love she has for her country to shine through in her showstopper.
Jeremy Corbyn must have hated this episode.
Who said that? Not me, I assure you.
Moving on!
The cakes begin to be assembled, and I immediately notice a problem—not one baker appears to be using dowels. Doweling is used to keep large cake structures together, since cake is not the most stable of substances. Clearly, a collapse is imminent. Leighton’s cake is starting to resemble the Leaning Tower of Pisa. But it is Iain who suffers an epic collapse. His cake, inspired by the Irish beach where he first got a sunburn, collapses. He has a moment of panic, then reverts to the age-old Bake Off tradition of chucking it in the fridge and hoping things improve. Miraculously, they do. His cake is firm enough to carve, and the fact that it collapsed kind of adds to the organic rock structure aesthetic of it all.
In the last minute of the challenge, Toby’s jelly sea falls off his cake, but everything else passes relatively drama-free. During judging, Nadia’s coconut cake is deemed delicious but overbaked, and her jelly has too much agar-agar in it. Aaron’s looks unfinished and lacks citrus flair. Lesley’s cake is the first real winner—it looks great, it’s baked well, and her Black Forest flavors are spot-on. Pui Man’s cake divides the judges, with Prue deeming it delicious (though dense) and Paul complaining that there’s too much coffee liqueur. Jasmine’s cake isn’t really giving landscape—it’s more Highlands-themed rather than Highlands-shaped–but the flavors are good. Leighton is near the bottom of the heap with his overbaked and dense Victoria sandwiches, Toby is also critiqued for overbaking and Jessika’s cake gets such good comments that she very nearly bursts into tears. Nataliia’s showstopper is absolutely magical. Prue calls it “a very special cake” and Paul is awed by the chocolate flavor.
Next up is Hassan, who needs a knockout showstopper to stay in the competition. His Japanese garden is deemed too simplistic, and while his cake tastes good, the cream has no flavor. It might not be enough. We close out judging with Tom, who has produced a very neat Icelandic waterfall cake. “You’re a good baker, Tom,” Paul says. That’s the most complimentary Paul gets, to be honest.
In the judging pavilion, the showstopper is deemed to have been a strong challenge overall. Nataliia, Jessika and Tom are in line for Star Baker, while Leighton, Hassan and Toby are in the danger zone. In the end, it is Nataliia’s Ukraine cake that wins the day, and she takes home a well-deserved Star Baker. And Hassan is going home. He had a disaster in the signature and just never found his groove after that. It’s a shame, but someone does have to go home first.
Next time: biscuits! What ridiculous challenges will the bakers face? How many lemons will we be confronted with? And will anyone else refer to Paul as “hunky”? Join me next week to find out.
