Brandeis doesn’t have a football team, gymnastics team or marching band. There are no massive Game Days where the entire student body gathers in a stadium to watch men jump on each other. Depending on your personal relationship with sports, this is a non-issue. However, as a former marching band member, I have to say that game days are fun because of everything that isn’t football. The cheerleaders put on displays of strength, flexibility and athletic ability that are equal to that of the football team. The marching band puts on a show that captures the audience and plays fun songs during the game. There is greasy food and rowdy fans. Brandeis will never have this for football; none of us could be bothered. But I have some suggestions for sports we could gather around.
You might be thinking to yourself; we already have some atypical sports available at Brandeis. There is Quadball, the real-life version of Quidditch. With a team that has gotten really far in the past few years and a recognizable name, this is a contender. Yet, Quadball remains an intramural sport that has few games on Brandeis’ campus. Water Battleship, which features teams in canoes attempting to pour buckets of water into each other’s boats until they sink, is offered to students as well. Sadly, this is once again an intramural sport that doesn’t compete against other schools. Last and, maybe, not least, Pickleball is offered as another intramural sport. I don’t actually have an opinion on a sport that is essentially easier tennis. They have the same problem as all of the rest: there are few to no games against other schools to go to on campus.
Instead, I propose we bring one of three (or all three, if whoever makes sports at Brandeis is feeling generous) lesser-known sports to be our central sport. We could finally be a school with cheerleaders and a marching band; all we need is a team for them to cheer on.
My first suggestion of sports to bring to campus is slap fighting. This sport is very simple: opponents take turns slapping each other in the face as hard as possible until one is knocked out. Another part of this sport is the lack of reaction from competitors. You can watch men and women get smacked in the face with as much force as is humanly possible and have zero reaction. The small problem with slap fighting is that there is a 40% chance that participants will end each match with a concussion. If the high rate of concussions and possibility of brain damage is a hard line, I have a better idea.
Two words. Four syllables. Marble racing. If you are a fan of the late-night show “Last Week Tonight,” you might be familiar with this high-octane sport. Marble racing is, once again, exactly what’s on the tin. Teams of marbles race against each other on increasingly complex tracks, with the bottom four teams eliminated completely, unable to compete in next year’s races. If you are a fan of NASCAR or F1, you would love marble racing. The team style makes it perfect for starting small at Brandeis, just until the other schools realize what they’re missing out on. If you’re thinking, I fear we’ve gone too far in the other direction from slap fighting, I’ve got one more suggestion for you.
Chess boxing: where competitors alternate between rounds of blitz chess (speed chess where each player gets ten minutes or less) and boxing. The winner is decided when someone gets either a checkmate or a knockout. This sport is perfect for the average Brandeisian; you don’t need to be the smartest and the strongest, just one or the other. There is also the added benefit of protective gear (which slap fighting is lacking). This is also the oldest and most prevalent sport I have offered you today, starting all the way back in the 1970s. Just imagine sitting in a massive area watching two people aggressively playing chess, then stand up and punch the daylights out of each other.
Please, Brandeis administrators who can make this happen, I have a moderate interest in seeing Brandeis become a leader in sports innovation. This is the real way to put our school on the cutting edge. Who can say no to possible concussions, fun marbles or chess with violence?
